Fine! I did it.

Okay, so I got the results of all my tests back from the endocrinologist. Her conclusion was the same as my primary care doctor's.

I'm F-A-T.

And apparently, it's all my fault. You know how I hate to take responsibility for anything so I'm going to blame this on my mother.

For those of you who were following my Stripalicious Challenge, you know that I fell off that wagon and haven't posted in a month. I guess it's time for me to suck it up, realize that I have the snail's pace metabolism of a 40-something year old woman and step up my game to try to get this weight off.

It's ironic because 20 years ago, I went for a consultation to have a boob job and now that I actually have them, they are a HUGE pain in my ass. I like to dress conservatively in my job and it's become a challenge because none of my jackets or blouses button. I've gone from looking like a polished professional to looking like Daisy Duke.


No, you can't click on this to enlarge it, Perv.

I guess I should take SOME responsibility for it. I've always been an emotional eater but no one would ever guess it. I remember years ago, a close friend of mine who was about 60 pounds overweight was shocked that I could eat a whole bag of Chips Ahoy cookies in one sitting.


I was shocked that she couldn't. I mean, c'mon, 1000 chips in every bag!

I suppose I was lucky that I never gained weight by eating all that crap. Although, if I had, maybe I would have learned to deal with the emotional reasons why I do it.

Son of a bitch!

You know what this means, don't you?

Yup.

I need to "look inside"and figure out why I find comfort in a half gallon of Ruggles M&M Cookie Dough Ice Cream with hot fudge and whipped cream. (deep sigh...)

It's probably because I've given up on finding comfort with a man. A string of bad break ups have made me too afraid to even try anymore.

GASP!

I think we're making progress!

Oh, I'm sorry. Our time is up for this week. See you next time.

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

"Lessons in Cougar Love"

Original Post Date, December 14, 2009



Every time I see Demi Moore with Ashton Kutcher, I shudder a little at what she must have to do to keep herself looking young and fresh. Well, well preserved, at least.

Now he might be really in love with her for who she is and it won't matter when things start heading south but if that's so, I'm guessing that he's the exception to the rule.

For those young hotties who are thinking of tasting the sweet nectar of an older woman, let me spell it out for you so there are no surprises.

~ We prefer the missionary position because it makes our faces look younger when everything falls backward. Being on top is not an option unless the power is out and/or you are legally blind.

~ When we're cuddling afterward and you feel a sudden rush of heat coming from us, no, we're not ready to do it again. We're just having a hot flash.

~ We really don't think it's "so hot" to be completely hair free down there. We just don't want you to see our gray pubes.

Arise, go forth and conquer!

C Cleveland

LEBRON'S LEAVING!!

No, not that one.

Last year, a jaguar was born at the Akron Zoo and was the only male in the litter.

A local contest winner chose the name LeBron for the cub, after Akron's famous native son.

Sadly, LeBron the Jaguar is heading to a new permanent home in Melbourne, Florida this July. Everyone will have the chance to say goodbye on June 5, which will be LeBron Appreciation Day at the zoo.

Anyone wearing Cleveland Cavs apparel will get 50% off zoo admission. For more information about the Akron Zoo, click HERE.



No word yet on that other LeBron.

Oh, the PRESSURE!

Young girls have it really hard these days. There's so much peer pressure to wear the right clothes and be thin. It must be really challenging to deal with all that along with the normal teenage angst.

Do you know who else has it really hard?

ME.

Yeah, that's right.

ME.

When I was a young girl, I thought I would marry in my 20's, have all my babies by 30, cook my family dinner every night and sew all my own sensible clothes.

Tell me these don't hide a multitude of sins.





I would be PTA President and packing a few extra pounds like the other moms. Life would be good.

Well, needless to say, things didn't exactly turn out the way I had planned. Now, this isn't me lamenting about lost opportunities.

This is me lamenting about the phrase "40 is the new 30".

Just when you think you've reached the point in your life when it's okay to start looking your age. That it's okay to embrace those little laugh lines, buy a bigger sized dress and stop wearing long pants to cover your varicose veins.

Then these bitches have to spoil it for us.


"This is the result of me wearing day cream and eye cream."

Put some clothes on Cindy Crawford. (43 years old) You have children, for God's sake!


"How fabulous am I? Thanks, Jenny Craig!"

Yeah, yeah, Valerie Bertinelli. (50 years old) Personally, I liked you better when you were a little chubby. You know, like me.




"I'm just the girl next door. Nothing special about me."

At least I can take solace in the fact that you can't keep a man, either, Jennifer Aniston (41 years old).

I don't need that kind of pressure. Personally, I'm ready to start looking like this.


I've already got the pearls. R.I.P, Aunt Bee.

Stripper Chick Wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.

"The older you get, the worse your body smells.

Well...not mine, of course."

Are you kidding me?

I guess I've never heard Jesse James speak before. For such a big guy, he sure does sound like a pussy, doesn't he?

And no, I don't just mean his words, but his actual voice. Odd...

Quality Time

I took a day off last week and Bernie and I were able to spend some Mommy & Me time together.

Hey, shut it! I don't have kids, okay?

The first day we slept in...



Then we went for a walk in the park and I carved my name at the top of the others...







Off to our favorite store...



where we bought this cool magnet...



Then we came home and Bernie waited patiently while I whitened my teeth...



And she waited...



And waited....



I thought that to reward her, we would head down to the beach but then the sky turned to this...



And this super duper bummed me out because I just got this gaw-geous peronalized tote! And you know how much I love my Tote Bags.



I had it all packed and ready to go. Treats for Bern...



And some books for me. One for light reading...



And one that was all horror...



Oh well, all in all it was a great day.

Tsk...Tsk...

Lindsay, dear Lindsay...I'm disappointed in you, yet again....



Why oh WHY would you hire a lawyer that dresses like this??



See? Even she doesn't know why.

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry. I thought this was timely given that the new series starts tomorrow.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

"Top Ten Reasons I'll Never Be The Bachelorette"

Original Post Date, December 11, 2009


The Bachelorette team is in town looking for the next Bachelorette for the ABC reality show. These are the reason why I'll never make the cut.


1. Hell would freeze over before I would wear a bathing suit on national TV.

2. All the contestants would withdraw after they met my family.

3. I gave all my evening gowns to the Goodwill.

4. I would feel the need to emasculate the weak.

5. No hot blonde girls to pick from.

6. I'm too smart.

7. Hot tubs give me the willies.

8. When a potential mate's mother asks me,"So what do you like about our Ronnie"? I would have to respond, "He passed the background check."

9. I couldn't be away from my dog that long.

And the #1 reason that I'll never be The Bachelorette:

Hi-def TV

C Cleveland

The City of Cleveland is comprised of a number of neighborhoods. Today, we're going to focus on one of Cleveland's oldest neighborhoods, Tremont.



Sitting on a bluff overlooking the Cuyahoga River and the industrial Flats, Tremont was originally settled by Eastern Europeans, Appalachians, Greeks, Polish and African-Americans.


Today, this small neighborhood is experiencing a revival as the old traditions blend with a new eclectic mix of young professionals and families.







Tremont boasts a number of award winning restaurants and was the original home of Lola, chef Michael Symon's first restaurant. Michael put the Cleveland culinary scene on the map, garnering awards for his talent and even competing on the television show, The Iron Chef in 2005.


Michael Symon


Lolita is Michael Symon's second restaurant and occupies the space that Lola outgrew before moving downtown.

While the shops, galleries, bars and coffeehouses are attractions on their own, my favorite feature of the Tremont area is the gorgeous architecture. There are only about 5,000 residences and they vary in price from $29,000 for a "fixer-upper" to $300,000+ for a brand new townhouse.





If you're in the mood for some spiritual awakening, there are 26 churches in Tremont.

That's right, this small neighborhood


has more churches than Starbucks.

Catholic? Yep.

Pentecostal? We got that.

Russian Orthodox? Uh huh.

Korean Catholic? Oh yeah.

And the list goes on and on..









Around town:















For more information on Tremont, click HERE. Be sure to include this unique neighborhood in your next trip to Cleveland.

**This is the shadow of Mystery Man, my tour guide of Tremont who refused to have his picture taken.



No, he wasn't a midget, the sun was right overhead.

Thanks for showing me around town, Mystery Man.