THIS is why I'm single

Friday, February 5, 2010

Okay, I blame this on my friend Hot Chocolate, who kinda looks like this. No reason to post a pic really, except, well...look at him...


Look, Hot Chocolate, he has your hat!

Hot Chocolate and I met about eight years ago when we were both working for the same organization. He was in town from California to facilitate a training and it was my job to show him a good time. I just mean it was my job to take him to dinner to unwind after the first day. Geez, get your mind out of the gutter.

We really hit it off and have maintained a friendship ever since. It's been a while since we've been in touch so I was happy to hear from him last week. We went back and forth catching up on things and he told me that he had joined the dating website Plenty of Fish.

I told him that I had been on there, too, but that my profile was hidden now. We exchanged usernames and I logged on , planning to un-hide it for him.

You have 70 messages in your mailbox
.

Huh? How could I have messages when I didn't have a profile posted?

It turns out, yes I did. Apparently, I don't know how to hide a profile properly. I thought about just deleting the emails but I was curious to see who had responded.

"45 years old, 3 times divorced.."
Delete!

"40 years old, 5'5..."
Delete!

"48 years old, no LIARS need respond! Don't want any LIARS..."
Delete!

"36 years old, 6'3, owns own business, 6 kids..."
Delete!

You get the idea...

I could tell by a few of the responses that the person had really put a lot of time and thought into it, so for those, I sent the reply, "Thanks for the kind words but I meant to hide my profile in December. I'm not looking right now.Happy Fishing!"

I still left my profile on for another day so Hot Chocolate could see it. Big mistake.

The next day I got the longest, oddest email. Here's the nutshell version. Yes, this is the shortened version.

I've never been been dumped so adroitly. I sincerely hope I'm not writing only to point out that your profile has not been blocked yet. Unless you were only toying with me.

This was followed by lots of stream of consciousness drivel.

I've always fancied ~myself~ being a Philanderist, always giving; always in Love. Ohh, that I were so congenial! (Not sure what word he meant for philanderist. Philanthropist, maybe? Philanderer?)

But NOOO, I had to look at the world from the outside! I remember being 6 and thinking, I can't WAIT to become a grown up; because I believed that adults could control their emotions---and didn't argue! Imagine my disappointment. ~sigh~

I admit, I don't have the hooks for dating. I don't wear OSU's colors, or hang at Starbucks. I'm not an expert on Sushi. And when I DO say I know something, I come across as stubborn, or haughty; but you won't find me wrong often! Why, then I'd have to apologize. I never was comfortable with the taste of crow, no matter how it's served.

I have 1500 CD's but I can barely hold a conversation about music. Eric went to college but chose to work in the Mills (winter hiking, Ba-bayyy!). Yep, Eric goes to Las Vegas, and heads into the countryside. If you take out Browns games, the BBC, Butterflies, Science and History, I watch about an hour of Television a week. Man, do I miss George Page for Nature!

Ohh, sorry, I got off track there.... Yeah, so I was on e-Harmony. A 4 hour psychological deposition, only to discover--nothing! Never was there such a waste land! Dark and spooky...Cadavernous, I called the place. And it's not easy here, either. All well and good to send a missive here and there, but there is so much importance placed on trifling details, that almost no fish can pass the weir. Plenty OFFISH, methinks.

No kidding, this girl was kissing me at my Christmas party-- never met her before--she came with a sailing friend that was playing Beach Blanket Bingo or some such titllation in the back part of the basement with another guy that hadn't attended before. So she is amorous and somehow jealous. Weeks later I asked for her phone number, and got it after it was "OK'd". I call up and say hello, and what do I hear? "Eric..WHO?" lol.
(WHA?)

Yeah, it's been that way. I've got my dates from Hell stories. Ohh, if I could only explain it all. Have I not walked through life a step behind the guy that bruises each and every tender soul??

It's no wonder I need solace. Solace Power! That's what I get on my sailboat!
(Men always throw in a reference to the sports car or the boat) It's sometimes said that us sailors are all ill, that we get Navigational Aids. But it's not true! Sailors travel to many lands, they sail to wherever they pleases; but they always make sure to wash their hands, so they don't get no diseases!I'm still trying to account for that Dysentery in Spain...

I'm a tree hugger, too. I love to wrap my arms around a great big oak tree. I was a member of the Wilderness Society, being fond of the foudner, Bob Marshall, but I grew to resent their militancy. I'm not in it for stress, I would have chosen law school. I find my church at the top of a tall, open peak. I also like landscaping with trees and shrubs. Perhaps I told you that my garden is dominated buy a nearby pine, but Mom's place in Carolina is my personal nursery. I just love nurturing. I'd like to try that with a relationship sometime...(wow, that's dry like popcorn champagne!).

Yes, yes, you pointed out that I gave many details in my last letter (and were kind enough to say thanks, too!). I'm not long winded in person, lol, speech is a different part of the brain. I'm just bungling along at the moment, desperately trying to figure out I can draw this this gambit to a close "Stylin"! I'm quite the perfectionist in some things.

I jut love Dogs. Looks like yours could use a walk.
(Did he just call Bernie fat?)

Well, I too, am flustered as to discovering a theme in all of this. More rigamarole than 'rigged and rollin'. How can I write without italics, anyway?

Alright, I might just as well hang it all on one ill considered BLIND GUESS! I thought initially you were in Cleveland Heights, but the fireplace doesn't have the right molding; there is no mantle apparent, and the walls seem too new. The door paneling paint is excellent, and probably covers some wood less desirable than the old hardwoods used in the '30's (my own hardwood moldings are all ensconced in lead paint). And given where the Mdical offices are...I'm guessing that you live with a mile and a half of I-271.
(Is this not the most frightening thing you've ever read??)

Well, it's make it or break it time! Few would be so bold, but I want you to know that I'M THE MAN that can swing a hammer near his fingers! They might have known something different was afoot when they discovered that I'd brought home goose eggs, built an incubator from scratch, and started the house afire! Only I could stand in the street and stare down that pick-up with murderous intent! (and I went to jail--briefly-- for smacking his truck, too). (?!?!?!?!)

Ohh, really, there's no posturing in all of this, except to say that I am interested. I hope you'll consider becoming my friend, and write me back. Just a gemmy-lil' something. I'll take it from there!

Delete!

And this time I was sure to delete my profile, too.

34 comments

  1. Sick sick puppy!! And to think that he probably considersh himself perfectly sane and normal.

    *looks over shoulder for freaky stalker guy*

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  2. Our profiles, attract guys like sugar attracts the ants.

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  3. Geezo!!!

    Like honey on a dog shite.

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  4. Hey Chrissy, good grief, what an odd ball. Still, at least he took the time to write something personal; strange, screwed up and just a little bit scary, but personal. Remind me not to start internet dating. Indigo

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  5. Wow! That is scary. He is a very creepy guy.Wow! Just Wow! (((HUGS)))

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  6. god damn...what a wierdo...maybe it's actually your neighbor. his analysis seems quite astute so if he is a stalker he likely a very good one. effing SCARY!
    youknow, it's no picnic for us men either. like finding a needle in a haystack with this internet dating, and who has the time or effort 4 that? that's why i like bootycall.com

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  7. Better lock your doors and have newly-divorced neighbor Jim stand guard.

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  8. I hope he's just a drug addict and not actually that batshit crazy.

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  9. Wow.
    Andf I thought that e-mail from that Randy at eHarmony was bad. Geez.
    Do you think he sends that to everyone? With a little extra personalization in each?

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  10. Holy shit! I hope my husband lives forever so I never have to return to dating.

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  11. Gee Whiz
    and those commercials make everything seem so sweet and wonderful......shudder.....

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  12. Oh dear. You are like my blog auntie or something. Love it.
    Anyway, check out my latest - I ended up in bed with Rapunzel!
    plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com

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  13. Creepy doesn't even come close to saying it.

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  14. Geez, and I thought I was comforted thinking that Charles Manson is locked up in prison. Maybe we need to send the Feds into match.com! What a freak. Makes you wonder if you're not better off checking in the bars for the right guy. Nah. Wouldn't make a post this good! EFH

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  15. Oh dear lord, he must be off his meds.

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  16. Wow! I thought those POF emails had character limits. You sure that wasn't your neighbor Jim?

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  17. Same question as Nancy...

    ...do you think he sends that to everyone?

    I think he needs to remain SOLACE!

    HA!

    Good going, Chrissy!

    DELETE!

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  18. Could also be titled:

    This Is Why He Is Single
    or
    One Too Many Fish
    or
    Why Aint He Still In Jail

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  19. I wonder if he knew you weren't really listening.

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  20. OMG! Wonder how many copies of "Catcher In The Rye" he's got? What a demento!

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  21. Oh, Ew!

    Ew...ew....ew! (Shakes head in attempt to dislodge scary-guy's parting words...)

    Evidently, he thinks he's some kind of a poet. He also thinks he's very interesting. It got to the point where I was scrolling down...thinking, "WTF's your point, genius?"

    But....he doesn't have one! Ew!

    DELETE! DELETE! Bernie.....he's an idiot. Don't you give him a second thought....but you attack if you see any strangers, okay??

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  22. You deleted him????

    WOW...thanks, for sharing - I feel so less alone now.

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  23. Say now....I think he is just the type of candidate that we are looking to recruit for our organization. Might you still have his email address???

    Great post!

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  24. @Cogitator,
    Understatement.

    @Mom, Lover, Friend, Woman,
    Yes, I'm sure he thinks he's the pick of the litter.

    @Secretia,
    Yep. It's a curse.

    @Gillian,
    LOL!

    @Indigo Wrath,
    Just say NO.

    @Collette,
    I know!

    @Anonymous,
    Are you sure it's not YOU, Anonymous one?

    @C. Andres Alderete,
    That's not even a little funny.

    @Kim,
    You're so right!

    @f8hasit,
    Yes, Randy seems normal now. I don't know, why don't you post a profile and we'll see??

    @Ace,
    Amen, Sista.

    @R. Jacob,
    I know...fun music...happy couples.

    @plentymorefishoutofwater,
    Auntie? Couldn't I be your much older sister?

    @Travel Girl,
    Nnnnoope.

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  25. @Travel Girl,
    Woops, hit send too fast. I think this guy is LESS scary than Jim.

    @Expat from Hell,
    I think it IS time to head back to the bars.

    @Comet Girl,
    Well, I'm not giving him any of mine.

    @Judge Fudge,
    Guess not.

    Nope, he just comes over and knocks on the door.

    @Ron,
    I told Nancy to post a profile so we can see!
    Delete!

    @Simply Suthern,
    Yes, WHY is he out of jail??

    @That Gal Kiki,
    I doubt it.

    @Toni,
    Mmmm hmmm...

    @Marie,
    With a capital C.

    @Tgoette,
    LOL! I don't know but I'm not gonna ask him.

    @Kathryn,
    Funny. Could you just see Bernie trying to attack?

    @Phillipia,
    Sorry, did you want me to forward him to you?

    @kfred,
    No, but you can find him on POF under PsychoBabble.

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  26. [sulks] You didn't come and say hello to ME on POF...

    If you're female you're going to have hordes having a go, just in case you're naive and easy meat. Even if you have NO CONTENT in your profile. Some sites even offer the opportunity to send a mail to everyone who matches your search criteria (which can include everyone on the site)

    I actually like POF, some of the (female) profiles are a hoot (especially the ones who maintain a sense of humour and are articulate).

    But... You've put your finger on one of my hobby horses - there may only be a TINY fraction of a percentage of those out there who are loonies: Don't give them your details or any clues to it. Don't give them your home number. Don't have an eMail address of FirstName.LastName@hotmail.co.uk

    I have a friend who, on our first conversation, was totally freaked out when I told her what her home address was - from 3 minor bits of information. Yet when you helpfully point out safety issues there's often an immediate assumption that you must be a Good Guy and to be trusted. Bad Guys call this "grooming".

    [stops foaming at the mouth and gesticulating wildly]

    If you wouldn't walk up to a stranger on the street and give them the information, don't give it to someone online. And no-one is owed your time, attention or politeness until they've earned it.

    Shall I shut up now?

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  27. The problem is, how do you distinguish between the obvious loonies and the closet loonies?

    I'm way ahead of you, my friend, I think my online dating days are over. Back to the bars!

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  28. Chrissie, you can meet dudes in bars, the supermarket, church, at the junior college in the Auto Shop section, at Home Depot. I think they would be safer, and more fun and even more useful. If I divorce my husband of 20 years, I'm going to Home Depot's parking log and looking for beat up toyota trucks owned by a contractor. "Honey I'd love some shelves over there" I's say, and quick as a jackrabbit, he'd pull out his tape measure! Know what I mean?

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  29. You know I meant the home depot parking lot, but I'm not wide awake yet!

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C'mon, you know you want to say it..

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