Monday Morning Vinny

Monday, February 28, 2011

"Can't we just get rid of that other beagle and keep this one, instead?"

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Okay, we need to lighten the mood with a Secondhand Sunday.


Original Post Date, March 10, 2010

I reached into my refrigerator to get something to drink.

Let's see...I've got V-8, orange juice, cranberry juice, beer, urine...

Yep, that's what's in the jug. Urine.

You remember how my doctor diagnosed me as "F-A-T" and that I'm completely rebelling against that diagnosis because I've never been "F-A-T" in my life? Well, I went to an endocrinologist a few weeks back and had some bloodwork done. Her conclusion?

I'm "F-A-T".


A few of my levels were a bit questionable so she wanted me to do a 24-hour urine sampling. When she first told me about it, I naively assumed that I would be given a bunch of those tiny little urine cups. You know, the ones they make you place behind the hidden door in restrooms at the doctor's office?

Not so.

I went to the lab to pick up my supplies and was presented with this humongous jug and a little pee catching contraption that you see in hospital patient's rooms. I'm pretty dense because the jug was completely collapsed and I felt stupid asking them what to do. So when I got back to my office, I called my sister, Lisa, and had her come down to explain it to me.

"This is easy", she said as she picked up the jug, "this should expand to hold all the urine."

"Now that", she pointed to the urine catching thing as I was reaching for it, "Don't. Don't put it on your..."

Too late, I was already wearing it as a hat.

"Chrissy! Are you going to take this seriously or not?"

How could she not appreciate the versatility? Why, it was like two hats in one!

"I am. Thank you for explaining it". I took my pseudo-hat off.

I had to keep my "sample" refrigerated and since I didn't think anyone would appreciate a jug-o-urine next to their peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the fridge at work, I took a vacation day.

It got me to thinking. About 15 years ago, I was experiencing all kinds of health problems. I was on 4 asthma medications, had recurrent sinus infections and just generally felt like crap all the time. Conventional medicine didn't seem to be helping me so I looked for "alternative" ways to cure myself.

One thing that I read about was drinking your own urine. Contrary to popular belief, urine isn't toxic since it's not a by-product of the body's waste system but of blood filtration. Worried about the taste? Don't be. Tastes like chicken.

Of course, I'm kidding. I have no idea what it tastes like and I don't really care to find out. I have read that it helps you to stay slim but in my case, it would most likely be because I would throw up each time I attempted a swig.

If my weight loss dreams hinge on starting this practice, I'll instead sign up for and live chubbily ever after.

Mom ~ Saturday

Saturday, February 26, 2011

First of all, thank you all for your love, thoughts and prayers. It means a lot to me. I'm still in awe of this whole blogging world and so grateful for the relationships I've been blessed with.

Mom has always been a super tough cookie and she's proving that by still holding her own. No one expected her to live past Thursday night and that's obvious every time one of her care providers comes into her room.

"When she came in on Thursday, I though, Oh boy, she's got a whole lotta stuff going on."

"We were pretty concerned about how things would progess when she came in. She was in pretty bad shape."

They're shocked at her progress. Now, she'll never rally back to where she was because her heart was damaged and CHF (congestive heart failure) is never far away. Best case scenario would be to move her to a hospice facility where she can get 24 hour care. She'll never go back home again.

She's been on a BiPap machine which is basically a constant flow of oxygen with a breathing treatment combined. Today when I came in, she was off the machine and only using oxygen in her nose and her level was at 98%. That's probably better than my oxygen level!

I think she's afraid of being off the BiPap and having another awful recurrence so she keeps asking for it but they're only putting her on it every four hours.

I've had a horrible sore throat and laryngitis since Thursday night so I went to have a strep test this morning. Even though Mom doesn't have much time left, I don't want to be the one responsible for shortening her days. Every time I try to sleep, I cough like crazy so I'm completely exhausted physically as well as mentally.

This morning, my friend Michelle went with me to one of those drugstore "Minute Clinic" facilities and the test was negative. Thank goodness.

We ventured on to the hospital and were making the trek down the looooooong hallway to ICU when I tripped and fell.

I know. Shocker, right?

And guess what knee I fell on?

Yep, this one that never quite healed from my fall 6 months ago. This is what it looked like back then.

I was so startled by the fall that I staring laughing and swearing, "Son of a bitch...what else can go wrong?" and then just started crying. Kudos to the hospital because a lot of people came running to help. Security wanted me to to fill out an incident report and go to the ER but I explained that I didn't have time for that and all I needed was an ice pack.

He said that he would call ahead to ICU to have one ready for me but he still made Michelle wheel me over in a wheelchair.

These things only happen to me.

When I got to ICU, the nurse said that she was required to call her supervisor and that she would bring me an ice pack.

FOUR HOURS LATER....the nurse came back to say that she paged her supervisor again and that they were still looking for an ice pack. Really? The world renowned Cleveland Clinic couldn't find a freakin' ice pack??

I told her not to bother since we were getting ready to leave. Mom has trouble communicating because she's still so weak but she knew who Michelle was (Michelle was my very first friend when I was 4 years old and she grew up down the street from me) and Mom's strong enough to tell nurses and doctors how to do their jobs.

Right now, we're just grateful for every day we have. Please keep your prayers coming. You guys are the best~


Thursday, February 24, 2011

I got a call from the rehab facility today saying that they were transferring Mom to the hospital because they couldn't determine why her oxygen levels kept dropping so drastically. Even though the closest hospital is short drive down the road, I requested that they take her to another neighborhood hospital since none of us were happy with the care that she received this last time she was there.

The nurse called me back about 45 minutes later saying that because her condition had turned and become so grave, that they took her back to the other hospital. She suggested that my sister and I join her as soon as we could.

When we arrived, she was sedated and not aware of us being there. Her blood pressure was really low and they said that she had fluid in her lungs again. Her cardiologist came and never one to sugar coat anything, he told us that this "could be it".

Her blood pressure stabilized a little but when they moved her from the Emergency Department to the Intensive Care Unit, it fell again, which relayed how bad her condition was since even a move under sedation was too much for her body to take.

Lisa and I came home a little while ago since she appeared stable and comfortable and we'll head back in the morning to see her, God willing. I know she would never want to live the rest of her life in a nursing home and if she makes it through this, that would likely be her destiny. I'm torn because I selfishly want her to live but maybe it's time for her to be with Dad and I think I might even have some semblance of peace with that. I just didn't think it would be this soon after we lost him.

I'm queer

Ever since December, I can't get these songs out of my head. I just received my new eBay purchase in the mail and I've been listening to it non-stop since Tuesday.

The temp who sits outside my office said, "What ARE you listening to?" When I told her, she said,"You're queer."

I'll be hiring a new temp tomorrow.

Maybe I'm drawn to it because it has some weird coded message from the universe.

Or maybe I'm just queer.

Calgon, take me away!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

This is Calgon.

I know, no bubbles, but it works for him, don't ya think?

I'm having a hard time finding the funny lately. Four weeks ago, my 82 year old mother called me during the day while I was working on the other side of town. She was panicked that she was having trouble walking and was very short of breath. (she was diagnosed with emphysema about 4 months ago)

I told her to call 911 but she said that she wouldn't call until I got there. My sister gets annoyed with me because Mom's cried wolf many times before but I can't risk the chance that the NEXT time might be the one when something awful really happens, so I always give in.

I left work and made the 45 minute drive to her house to call 911. It turned out that she had congestive heart failure and they found a clot in her leg. In the weeks that ensued, she would take two steps forward and then three steps back.

I went to the hospital religiously every day after work and made the phone calls to concerned neighbors and friends. They transferred her to a rehab facility last Thursday at 3:00 and by 4:00, she was already arguing with her roommate.

She called me at 11:00 that night, frantic and out of breath, saying that they were abusing her and that I had to come take her home. I drove up there to calm her down and assess what was going on. She had worked herself into such a frenzy that she was hyperventilating. She's always been an anxious person but she was way over the top.

I think her behavior is a combination of her medication and her panic that she might never come home. She called me at 4AM on Monday to tell me again that I had to come and get her out. I called her nurses station and had them check on her and when I visited the next day, she didn't even remember calling me. I've told you guys how she and my sister have a pretty volatile relationship so I feel completely responsible for my mother's happiness and well being and it's starting to wear me down.

Couple this with all crap that's going on at work, and I swear, if someone looks at me wrong, I will literally stop.their.heart. Fortunately, the hospital that I work for has an employee counselor that I can talk to so that's been a great way to vent to an objective third party.

I'm so emotionally spent that I don't even have the energy to see Sparky again. And I would really like to see him. But we don't have a "let's sit around and talk about how we feel" relationship. It's more of a, "take off your pants " kinda thing. And I don't even want to do that right now.

Maybe this isn't the best time to go off my meds. :-)

Monday Mornie Bernie

Monday, February 21, 2011

"500 channels and not a damn thing on."

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


Original Post Date, August 17, 2010

You know what a stickler I am for home security. I guess it's just force of habit after 20 years of living by myself.

Holy crap...20 years...

I have three doors in my house: the front door, side door and the door off the deck. Each night, I check that each door is locked and that the deadbolt is secure. I was sure to buy a house with a second floor master so that I wouldn't have to worry about leaving my windows open at night and having someone climb in and kill me.

Of course, the last two weeks have been insanely hot so the thought of even leaving any windows open hasn't crossed my mind. My air conditioning and ceiling fans have been working overtime and may I say, they've done a spectacular job.

Take a bow, A/C and Hunter ceiling fans. clap...clap...clap...

Still, I was really distressed when Bernie and I were out walking a few days ago and one of my neighbors told me that the house across the street from her was broken into and robbed.

In the middle of the day, no less! On my street!

No need to panic, I suppose. I mean, I have all the proper security measures in place.

Home security system, with sign visible to deter potential burglars. Check!

Steel doors with deadbolts. Check!

Security latches on all windows. Even the upstairs ones. Check!

Vicious guard dog. Check!
Oh, who am I kidding? She's practically a stuffed animal.


So far, this seemed to be working pretty well but last night, there was just one little thing I forgot to do.

Take my key out of the front door.

Then, as I walked around the house in a panic this morning, I realized that all of my windows have been unlocked since the last cool day when I had them open.

Which was TWO WEEKS ago!

Did I mention that these front screens just push right out? Yes, they're in the front of the house but I'm sure it would be much easier to do under the cloak of darkness. You know, since the streetlight in front of my house is burned out.

Good Lord, it was the perfect storm!

I think someone's looking out for me, don't you?

Singing (and dancing) to the beat of his own drum

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Not sure if you guys have heard of the new YouTube sensation, Keenan Cahill. He's a 15 year old kid from Chicago who tapes himself lip-syncing the latest hits. His popularity has grown to over 2 million+ hits on some of his videos and he even landed a guest shot on Chelsea Lately.

He suffers from a rare disorder called Maroteau-Lamy Syndrome which stunted his growth at age 8 and limits his mobility. There are less than 1100 people worldwide who are afflicted with this.

I love that at an age when most kids are self-conscious and worried about what others think, Keenan is out there celebrating life and having a ball.

What a great lesson for all of us.

Stripper Chick Wisdom

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.

"Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option."

Monday Morning Chrissy

Monday, February 14, 2011

Did I or didn't I?

You decide...

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


Original Post Date, September 23, 2009

I love being a homeowner but what I don't love are household repairs. Yesterday, my toilet starting making a funny noise when I flushed it and when I took off the lid, water shot out at me.

I think it's my ballcock.

I really have no idea what it is. I just like saying ballcock.


Say it with me.


Just do it cuz I said so

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I haven't done one of these in a while and since I know you're all dying to get to know me better, I took the bait. This self-analyzing interview came to me from me new friend, Dieter Moitzi, at Confessions of a Wannabe Writer

Dieter's blog is a novel but when you read it, you think you're reading about his life. Who knows, maybe you are? Check him out and see what you think.

Here goes...don't judge me...

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
I think this one is obvious. They're my children.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
To work from home. And make a healthy living at it, too!

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
My ass. Sorry, I know this is probably supposed to be deep and philosophical but I really, really hate my ass. Always have.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Probably blow it all in a year.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Finding the humor in life.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved.

7. What is your bedtime routine?
Can't even attempt to sleep until I'm exhausted. Then I'm out cold in 5 minutes.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
A painter

10. What kinds of books do you read?
Every diet book on the market but my flavor of choice is horror.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
Looking fabulous from all my plastic surgery and living somewhere that's warm all year.

12. What’s your fear?
Botched plastic surgery

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
Hell no

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
Single and rich

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Brush my teeth

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
They would exist

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Isabella Rossellini. Say it with an Italian accent and tell me it's not the sexiest name ever.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
Forgive yes, forget no.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Now I need to tag FOUR blog amis and I'm choosing four that I think you'll all love getting to know.

Nikki@My Cyber House Rules One of THE coolest chicks I know. I mean, she lives on a BOAT. How frickin' cool is that?!

Male guy@Simply Suthern He's such a man of mystery. What does he look like? What's his name?

Brittany@Saturday's Rusted Railroad Yeah, I don't get the name, either. I love her because she loves her incontinent Rottie, Ziva, and her gay cat, Rodney. When you go check her out, look at her URL address. She makes no sense, I tell ya!

Joel@I Was Born Very Young I think he was in Devo in the 80's. If you like what you see, be sure to follow him. He really gets off on that.

And you, dear friends that I've tagged, need to pass the torch to four more friends.

And so goes the circle of life....

The benefits of friends

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Well, since the online dating thing didn't really work for me this time around...

I know, shocker, right?

Sparky and I have decided to start seeing each other again.

And by seeing each other, I mean naked.

We've been in touch on and off for a while. He lost his mother a few months before Dad died in August but I haven't really been ready to see him until now. Neither one of us has any false notion that we're rekindling a grand love affair. We always had fun together but there was something missing that could have made it more.

I suppose I've been putting him off because I was unemployed the last time we dated so I had lots of time to work out and consequently, was in the best shape of my life. I'm a little embarrassed that I've gained so much weight since then, especially since he works out daily and doesn't have an ounce of fat on him.

Somewhere along the way, I crossed the line from being Rubenesque and longing for a starving artist to paint me in the nude to being zaftig. Now, that would be great if I, say, lived in a 17th century painting...

...or was a resident of Mauritania where they revere the "healthy woman".

As I've mentioned before, with this weight gain has come ginormous boobs that didn't exist before.

It's really opened me up to a whole new type of guy.

The Boob Man.

I used to attract the Leg Man but there's been a vertical shift.

I think Sparky was always secretly a Boob Man so my strategy is to draw his focus up HERE which will keep his focus away from THERE. Hey! I know he has to go down THERE eventually but I'm talking about my big fat ass.

Which, by the way, attracts yet another type of man. The African-American. I'm not used to all the booty attention but I can't say I'm hating it.

Anyway, back to Sparky. I'm trying to capitalize on the home court advantage so I've already installed room darkening blinds and dimmers on my lamps. And if I start chickening out, I'll suggest a blindfold.

I know, I'm taking all the fun out of it.

You're right. I should cancel, right?

Okay, I'll cancel.

Should I?

Okay, I will.

Should I?

Monday Morning Vinny

Monday, February 7, 2011

Oh geez! Was I sleeping on a knock-off?

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


Original Post Date, September 11, 2009

When I first heard of the TLC show, Toddlers and Tiaras, my first memory was of JonBenet Ramsey and how this poor young girl's death catapulted child pageants into the headlines. The thought of these innocent children parading around on stage like little Lolitas was both ridiculous and upsetting and I was shocked that their journey was being documented for entertainment fodder. I mean, who would watch a show like this?

Then one night, I was flipping channels and saw what appeared to be a tiny prostitute wearing falsh eyelashes and a flapper dress. I was disgusted but I couldn't look away because I was so fascinated. Fast forward to a fresh faced little girl playing with her dolls and it took me a second to register that it was the same girl.

I understand wanting to instill confidence in young girls. I really do. But I certainly don't think that this is the way to do it. Most of the mothers will claim that their daughters just love to perform but you can see the faraway stars from dreams never met in their eyes instead.

There are two types of mothers who enter their children in pageants.

Mom #1

Usually a single mother

Always overweight and fond of form fitting tops to accentuate her curves

Lives in a tiny home in a small southern town

Thinks her plain Jane out of wedlock kin is the most beautiful thing on the planet

Willing to spend upwards of $500+ on one pageant dress but has not seen a dentist in years

Willing to hire pageant coaches, makeup artists and hairdressers to ensure victory which may or may not include a fabric sash, a shiny trophy and a rhinestone crown.

Mom #2

Wealthy, married woman whose husband no longer pays attention to them. He is likely having an affair with his secretary while she likely has cobwebs growing between her legs. She takes out her pent up sexual frustration on her young daughter, "Try it again! One-two-three-shake your hips...two-two-three-shake your butt."

Lives in a large, overdecorated home in a southern town. One room is dedicated to the fabric sashes, shiny trophies and rhinestone crowns.

Thinks her plain Jane "trying to save my marriage" daughter is the best thing since sliced bread.

Willing to spend hundreds on dresses, makeup, hairpieces, coaches, tanning salons and beauty treatments to ensure trophy room looks better than neighbor's daughter's trophy room.

There are different competitions throughout the course of the pageant and they're each broken down by age group from infants through 13 year olds. I was certain that as with any reputable pageant, that the judges have worked in the pageant industry and/or are some sort of beauty experts. Not so. Most of them either look like the fat mothers or creepy pedophiles like this guy.

Would you want him "judging" your 6 year old in a swimsuit?

What does TLC stand for? The Learning Channel. And what have we learned?

That the competition is tough and we need to get our game on if we're gonna win a trophy. Yee ha!!

I'm baaaaack

Thursday, February 3, 2011

On the way home the other night, I stopped and explained my computer woes to Assistant Manager, Jim, at my neighborhood Staples. I told him that it was SUPER UPER DUPER slow in loading pages and when it finally did and I was in the middle of doing something, an ad would pop up asking me if I wanted to "take advantage of all the money making opportunities that were available through Google!" When I would go to my task manager to close it, it would close any other page I had open, too and I would lose anything I was working on.

I asked him if I could just install Norton and see if that would remove the virus.

No, not THAT Norton!

I had always used Norton before and it never let me down. However, my employer offered me McAfee for FREE and you all know how seduced I am by FREE . Well, this time it came back to bite me in the ass.

"No, sorry," Assistant Manager Jim said, "it sounds like your system is probably too far gone already. You would need to bring it in to have us remove the virus."

Well, I wasn't about to put that kind of money into an older computer so I thanked him and spend the next few days at work shopping around for a new computer.

Don't judge me. I still got my work done. Sort of...

I debated between a laptop and desktop but when it comes down to it, I'm really a desktop gal. I HATE typing on a laptop. HATE IT.

So then I narrowed it down to Dell or HP and I found an HP that I really like. Oh boy! And it had a webcam so I could record stuff and post it for you guys. I didn't like the thought of spending a chunk of my income tax refund on it but I was excited to be getting a new computer and I had totally justified the cost in my head anyway.

Then I read over your comments (I can see them via Stat Counter at work but I can't log in to my blog) and Simply Suthern had suggested restoring to an earlier date.

I hadn't tried that! I hadn't even thought of that. I could kiss him! Don't worry, I would let you all watch...

So last night, I came home and started my computer in safe mode and went to a date last week when my computer was functioning fine.

No luck.

It still just sat and sat and sat some more and it was impossible to get it to do anything. So I turned it off and tried restarting it again.

Same thing.

Crap! I just had this feeling that if I could remove the current anti-virus and download Norton, that it would work. And if it didn't, I had only spent 40 bucks on the Norton download.

THREE HOURS LATER...I was able to remove the McAfee and start the download for the Norton. I was so happy and I had such a good feeling that this was going to work!

50% downloaded.......

65% downloaded.........

80% downloaded...........

Yes! C'mon, baby. Mommy can use the extra money on new shoes and liquor...

95% downloaded.............

C'mon. C'mon. C'mon. C'mon.

I looked at the clock and it was almost 12:30AM. I was tired but feeling pumped, too.

98% downloaded...............

I held my breath................

"How would you like to make millions with Google?"


Well, fuc# me, that didn't work.

I went to sleep and tried again the next night. And guess what?


It removed whatever the heck kind of virus was on here. Yay, Norton!

So, what's the lesson here friends?

Buyer beware? Well, that doesn't really apply.

I know! There's one thing all you free stuff whores like me need to keep in mind.

Sometimes you get what you (don't) pay for.

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