Coffee, Tea or Pee?

Monday, May 10, 2010

I reached into my refrigerator to get something to drink.

Let's see...I've got V-8, orange juice, cranberry juice, beer, urine...

Yep, that's what's in the jug. Urine.

You remember how my doctor diagnosed me as "F-A-T" and that I'm completely rebelling against that diagnosis because I've never been "F-A-T" in my life? Well, I went to an endocrinologist a few weeks back and had some bloodwork done. Her conclusion?

I'm "F-A-T".


A few of my levels were a bit questionable so she wanted me to do a 24-hour urine sampling. When she first told me about it, I naively assumed that I would be given a bunch of those tiny little urine cups. You know, the ones they make you place behind the hidden door in restrooms at the doctor's office?

Not so.

I went to the lab to pick up my supplies and was presented with this humongous jug and a little pee catching contraption that you see in hospital patient's rooms. I'm pretty dense because the jug was completely collapsed and I felt stupid asking them what to do. So when I got back to my office, I called my sister, Lisa, and had her come down to explain it to me.

"This is easy", she said as she picked up the jug, "this should expand to hold all the urine."

"Now that", she pointed to the urine catching thing as I was reaching for it, "Don't. Don't put it on your..."

Too late, I was already wearing it as a hat.

"Chrissy! Are you going to take this seriously or not?"

How could she not appreciate the versatility? Why, it was like two hats in one!

"I am. Thank you for explaining it". I took my pseudo-hat off.

I had to keep my "sample" refrigerated and since I didn't think anyone would appreciate a jug-o-urine next to their peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the fridge at work, I took a vacation day.

It got me to thinking. About 15 years ago, I was experiencing all kinds of health problems. I was on 4 asthma medications, had recurrent sinus infections and just generally felt like crap all the time. Conventional medicine didn't seem to be helping me so I looked for "alternative" ways to cure myself.

One thing that I read about was drinking your own urine. Contrary to popular belief, urine isn't toxic since it's not a by-product of the body's waste system but of blood filtration. Worried about the taste? Don't be. Tastes like chicken.

Of course, I'm kidding. I have no idea what it tastes like and I don't really care to find out. I have read that it helps you to stay slim but in my case, it would most likely be because I would throw up each time I attempted a swig.

If my weight loss dreams hinge on starting this practice, I'll instead sign up for and live chubbily ever after.


  1. You are so stunning even that hat looks amazing on you. Great post. You always make me laugh!

  2. Thank you for giving me a big smile on my face just before going to bed. I wonder what I am going to see in my dream tonight. Good night.

    Cinnamon's mum

  3. You make any accessory look really nice. That'll be on the Paris runways this fall.

    As for me, I think I'll stick to the ole 10 gallon hat.

  4. @Christine,
    Thanks! I'm tempted to wear it out and see what happens.

    @Cinnamon's Mum,
    Sweet dreams! :-)

    @Simply Suthern,
    Thank you. I think I can add stick on flowers to change the look!

  5. Can I get one of those hats in my size?

  6. Bwhahahahahahahhahahaha!

    Oh, I LOVE YOU, GIRL!!! Your humor always touches my funny bone in such a brilliant way!

    LOVE the hat. You look like a little leprechaun!

    And listen, speaking of urine, do you remember years and years ago when people were getting those urine injections for weight loss? So, it must work!

    Thanks for the Monday morning laugh!


  7. HIlarious! Great hat, so unique. Did you really drink your pee?

  8. I went to the Endocrinologist and they said FAT and you have THYROID....Did you blow into the bottle to inflate it or just fill it and it pop and goes as you go I assume the warmth expanded it? Damn too....all the beverage in your frig...No wonder that Pee Jug looked full!
    I would consider drinking piss if it made me loose weight!

  9. Charming! BTW, I had a friend who treated his Hep C "naturally" which include urine injections. It did not cure him.

  10. @Sara,
    They're one size fits all. Want mine? It's only slightly used. EWWW!!!!

    You should wear this to work!

    Urine injections for weight loss? I don't remember that. But it was the 80's. I don't remember much.

    Oh God no. Although, I was so sick that I was really tempted to.

    It expanded. I couldn't believe how much it filled but you're right, I do drink a lot. I would rather drink than eat.

    Yeah, the things we do to lose weight!

    @Dreamfarm Girl,
    Gee, what a surprise that it didn't cure him. Is he blue from colloidal silver, too?

  11. I'm getting used to wearing your hat lately ... unfortunately my version doesn't fit my head (that's the one on top, of course).

    Funny stuff Chrissy

  12. LOL I would have done the same thing.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate


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