Wish us luck!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Today we go spend the whole day at the vet so they can figure out why we get so tired and pant so much and drink so much water and have such a big belly.

They won't even let us eat before we go. What if we starve to death?

Hey! Free Chocolate!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Since you know I'm all about free food, I had to pass this along. And yes, chocolate is food.

To offer some Sweeeeet recession relief, the Mars Candy Company is giving away free chocolate! Under the Mars Real Chocolate Relief Act, every Friday from now until September is "Free Chocolate Friday."

The first 500,000 visitors to this site on Fridays from 10AM - Noon will get a coupon for a free chocolate bar.

And yes, it's only a candy bar. But you do realize Snickers bars are included in this, right??

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I've decided to make Sundays my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I thought I would re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

Click Here

Happy Sunday!

Fountain of Youth?

Saturday, June 27, 2009

I watched an interesting segment on 20/20 last night about a girl who is 16 years old and has never aged mentally past 9 months. Physically, she's the size of a toddler and is unable to walk. She has two older sisters and one younger. In a succession of family photos, you see the sisters age while she stays exactly the same.

She's likely the only person like this in the world and geneticists are studying her to try to find out why she's such an anomaly. Could she hold the secret to the coveted Fountain of Youth?

A few months back, I read about a woman in her 30's who had an extraordinary memory. She never forgot anything. She knew exactly what event happened on a particular day, who was there and what the weather was. Initially I thought, how fantastic would that be? I could ace every test, never miss a birthday and avoid the social embarassment of forgetting someone's name. Then I thought about it again.

And this little girl last night made me revisit it. Sure, it would be fantastic to remember essentially everything and everyone that you've ever crossed paths with. And how wonderful to never age. But along with remembering the minutiae of life that would make you a great cocktail party conversationalist, what about all the pain? We know that time heals all wounds so can you imagine never being able to forget the pain over the death of a loved one or the sting of a breakup?

Don't get me wrong, I would love to have a cellulite free body and the energy of a 5 year old, but the last 42 years have brought me a clarity and understanding that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Not even the Fountain of Youth.

10 More things you never wanted to know about me

Thursday, June 25, 2009

1. I wanted to be Nancy Drew growing up
2. I love flea markets
3. I'm a big baseball fan
4. I hate my feet
5. I love fireworks
6. I always pick up a penny when I see one on the ground
7. Apples are my favorite fruit
8. I'm not a cat person. At all
9. Christmas is my favorite holiday
10. I can sleep anytime, anywhere

Don't judge me

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I had a double date last weekend and I’ve been feeling a little guilty about it ever since. I’m not sure that you would call it a double date, really, because it was just these two guys and me. I picked them up at the grocery store on one of those singles nights. We spent a nice quiet evening at my house.

Well, it started out quiet, at least. The next thing you know, there’s whipped cream flying and chocolate syrup everywhere. I had to take a nap before I started on the second one.

I slowly took his top off and gave him a teasing lick. I think I actually said, “Come to Mama” and I’m not embarassed. Once I got started, I was consumed with reckless abandon and all decorum went out the window.

I just couldn’t resist. You know how long it’s been for me. And besides, I’m a secure woman of the new millennium. I can do whatever I want with my body!

I usually don’t kiss and tell, but as long as you promise to keep it a secret, I’ll give you their names.

Ben and Jerry

What did you think I was talking about?

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I've decided to make Sundays my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I thought I would re-post a "vintage" entry.

I think this one is appropriate for Father's Day.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

Click Here

Happy Sunday!

My vegan update

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Okay, I'm in my 5th week of vegan living. I would like to say that I feel better than I've felt my whole life but I don't, really. I feel good but I've had a lot of....ummmm....gastrointestinal issues.

When you go from never eating a salad in 10 years to eating two a day in addition to all the other fruits and vegetables and beans...well, your body is bound to have an adjustment period. C'mon, you know the little jingle.

Beans beans

They're good for your heart

The more you eat

The more you
....yep, that's what I mean..

I've always had an open door policy at work and people tend to wander in and out of my office during the course of a day. Since my windows are painted shut, I now have an "open the door and wave it" policy.

I do have to reiterate what I said initially, though, that this is the easiest thing I've ever done. Still no sugar cravings or wild hunger pangs. And I've lost 10 pounds! Jake would be proud.

I felt like I was going through rehab as my body rid itself of all the junk and toxins. It came out in the obvious way but it also came out through skin rashes, nasal drainage and aches and pains. I never knew what each day would bring.

At first, I was buying things that said "vegan" but weren't necessary low in fat and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't losing weight. I've learned to stick to fresh foods instead of canned or processed and it's been much better for my weight loss.

I think it's supposed to be a 4-6 week program so I'm about ready to start adding in some fish and then chicken. What I'm really craving is a nice, thick, juicy steak. I'll work my way up to that one.

Oh, and I haven't cheated one time! Yes, me, who couldn't even give up chocolate for Lent. Who'd a thunk it?

So long...again, Manly Man..

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Hope you and your wife work things out.

Do boys make passes at girls who wear glasses?

Monday, June 15, 2009

I think it’s important to test the market occasionally to measure the viability of what you’re trying to sell. I’m selling me, myself and I so I thought I would try the same unscientific experiment that I utilized in February.

I discovered this dating website that lets you post a picture of yourself and have the site users “rate” you. Back in February, I decided to post a picture of myself after I cut 8 inches off my hair. You can see the results here.

I don’t really pay much attention to how the women voted because hey, women are bitches.

This time around, I wanted to see if boys really do make passes at girls who wear glasses. As you can see from the figures below, I didn’t fare a whole lot different than when I wasn’t wearing glasses.


Average (77 votes) 6.31

18-25 (18 votes) 5.61

26-32 (15 votes) 5.53

33-40 (15 votes) 7.33

41+ (29 votes) 6.62


Average (6 votes) 5.33

18-25 (2 votes) 6.5

26-32 (0 votes)

33-40 (2 votes) 4.5

41+ (2 votes) 5

However, to take it one step further, the first time around, my inbox was inundated with introductory emails from men interested in getting to know me. Okay, inundated might be an exaggeration but there were a whole bunch.

Interestingly enough, this time I only got 5 emails in the same weekend time frame. So, let’s analyze this. They obviously think my “attractiveness” factor was the same as Chrissy sans glasses, so why the disparity?

Do I look more intelligent? Is it that men want to be in relationships with women they don’t have to talk to and that I look like I might jump into a discussion of quantum physics or worse yet, ask him what he’s feeling?

Do I look less intelligent? Does my spectacled face bring back memories of nerdy Lisa Loopner?

Maybe they're just not buying what I'm selling anymore...

Nahhhhh! It was the perfect segue, though, wasn't it?

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I've decided to make Sundays my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I thought I would re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

Click Here

Happy Sunday!

Playing dead

Saturday, June 13, 2009

My sister sent me this video from David Letterman's Stupid Pet Tricks.

Since Bernie is too chubby to even hold like that, here's her version of playing dead.

You want me to do what?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I was watching this educational video posted by JB over at It's Gonna Take More Than a Hamburger to Make Me Happy, and it got me thinking about a personal grooming experience from my past.

The year was 1988, the summer I turned 22. Of course, at the forefront of my mind was how I looked (kind of like it is now) and I always tried to find the latest, greatest beauty products. We women of Armenian descent are hairy. We pluck and bleach and shave and then shave again at the end of the day. And we don't have baby fine, blonde hair. We have coarse, dark hair.

The hottest thing on the market that year was a hand held hair removal device called an Epilady. It consisted of intertwined coils that rotated at a high speed and RIPPED your hair out by the root.

It has to go down in marketing history as one of the cleverest campaigns out there. How else could you convince grown women to shell out over $75 for a weapon that would leave you wincing in pain but "hair free for days!" $75 for that luxury? I'll give ya a hundred! Finally, something to ease my hair removal woes.

I didn't mind shaving my legs or even my underarms but my biggest pet peeve was my bikini line. I never seemed to be able to get a nice, smooth shave and I didn't like waxing, either. Epilady to the rescue!

I remember hurrying home to try out my new deluxe, gold model Epilady. You had to be sure your skin was dry and that you pulled it taut as you glided it over the area you were concentrating on.

"Wow," I thought to myself, "this isn't as painful as I thought it would be."

I ran my fingers over the section I had completed and I was really impressed with the results. And then it happened.

Now, keep in mind, the year was 1988. Women were just starting to trim down there as bikinis got smaller. I can still remember getting ready to go out on a Friday night when my friend Debbie implored her cousin, Carla, who was changing her clothes to "trim that, for God's sake." It was the 80's. We didn't look like prepubescent teens. We looked more like what this guy is wearing on his head.

So there I was, buzzing along, pulling hair out by the roots, getting a smooth bikini line. I listened to the hum of my Epilady.





You got it. Those rotating coils grabbed a hold of my errant Armenian bush and held on for dear life.

What the hell was I going to do? I tried sending my dog for help but Lassie he wasn't. He did come back with a squeaky toy that proved helpful as something to bite down on to ease the pain and muffle my screams.

I managed to make my way into another room, my Epilady dangling precariously between my legs. I found some sewing shears in the kitchen drawer and carefully snip snipped to release myself from its grip. I think I spent the rest of the night with a bag of frozen peas in my lap.

Thank God it's not the 80's anymore.

Bernie goes to the vet

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I decided to switch vets because it seemed like the last one just didn't really like animals very much. And he was very accusatory about everything. "She's gained a pound. What are YOU doing to her??"

My sister recommended a vet close to where I live so I made an appointment for last Saturday. I was disappointed when I got there to find that she was out and that someone was filling in for her. The first thing that the substitute vet said was that she was very concerned with the size of Bernie's belly. I explained to her that she had this belly when I brought her home 2 years ago and that I had been told that she was a puppy mill dog and had the distended belly from having so many babies.

Substitute vet also told me Bernie had a heart murmur that on a scale of 1-6, was pretty significant at a 4. She thought it would be best to do some x rays and an organ scan to see what was going on.

The results showed that Bernie's liver is a little enlarged and that her liver enzymes are elevated. She informed me that 99% of veterinary offices still use traditional x ray film but that this office used digital so she would feel more comfortable with the doctor evaluating the information when she got back.

The news wasn't great. She said that Bernie has an enlarged heart and an enlarged liver. They want to run some additional tests but she said that in the meantime I shouldn't walk her very far so as not to put too much strain on her heart. "We wouldn't want it to give out."

I guess I knew that by adopting an older dog, my time with her would be shorter but I'm heartbroken to think that I might lose her sooner than I'm prepared for. I suppose the good news is that there are so many advances in veterinary care today. I'm trying to be positive and weigh our options.

God bless anyone with kids. I don't know how you do it when I can't even deal with this.

Kreativ Blogger? Me??

Monday, June 8, 2009

Theresa at An Officer and a Garbage Can has nominated me for the Kreativ Blogger Award and I'm thrilled! I'm all verklept just knowing that people actually want to read what I have to say.

I would like to thank my agent, Bernie, for believing in me. I would like to thank all the men who don't ask me out on dates and/or never call me for a second date. I wouldn't have all this extra time to write if it weren't for you.(A special shout out to Manly Man) I would like to thank all the idiots in the world who not only inspire me to tell their stories but who make me feel like a smarter person.

As a recipient, I now need to nominate 7 more bloggers for this prestigious award.

1. Vent - Written by a man who I was separated from at birth, Ron finds humor in the simplest of things and can also bring a tear to your eye when he reveals his sweet soul behind the grin.

2. JB - It's Gonna Take More Than a Hamburger to Make Me Happy. JB is one of the funniest storytellers I know. You feel like you're standing in the corner giggling at what's going on in front of you.

3. Carlos - The Tired One. I didn't know there was actually anyone out there more cynical than me, but his acerbic wit has proven me wrong. If you don't like what he has to say, you can always just stare at his handsome face.

4. Mo - Fresh Eyes on London - This was chosen as a Blog of Note a few months ago and I was blown away by it. She has almost 600 followers so I'm not sure that she'll even see my note about the award but you have to check it out and take your own personal tour of London.

5. River - What can I say? It's a blog about a Beagle named River and all his beagle friends. Look closely at River's followers and you'll see that I'm the only human in there.

6. Tina - Passive and Aggressive - Tina's been on a hiatus as of late but here's hoping that she'll be back to regale us with her tales of adventure in Lubbock, TX.

7. Judge Fudge - I Don't Know You but I Probably Don't Like You - Okay, Judge, this is going to force you to post more often with your unique sense of humor. If you post it, they will come.

AND now I'm supposed to list 7 things I love:

1. Laughing at life with my friends

2. Bernie

3. My house

4. Telling stories

5. Long car rides

6. Days off

7. Sleeping in

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I've decided to make Sundays my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I thought I would re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

Click here.

Happy Sunday!

Home is where you make it

Saturday, June 6, 2009

There's a history of a great divide between Eastsiders vs. Westsiders in Cleveland. The joke is that if you want culture, you head east. If you're looking for a pink flamingo for your front lawn, west it is. I was raised east and admittedly, was a stereotypical eastside snob.

I moved west in 1991 when a 50+ hour work week and a 50 minute commute became too much to deal with. I started out by moving to the Southwest part of town where the whole east vs. west thing didn't really exist. I rented a luxury apartment with a swimming pool, fitness center and Cleveland Browns players living across the hall. That was the life.

Then another job change came along and I moved to a city just west of downtown Cleveland. It was in an old brownstone walkup, no air conditioning, radiator heat that clanked in the middle of the night and high rises that bounced the sound of nearby trains right into your living room. I cried the first night I moved in but grew to love my unique neighbors and the colorful people I would meet at the grocery store.

I lived about a mile from the Cleveland border. Our city had a different power company than they did and the electricity was constantly going out. When it did, my neighbor would come knocking on my door and we would grope our way along the walls and down three flights of blackened stairs to the street. Off in the distance, we would see the light of a bar over the border that would be our haven for the next few hours.

My last move out there was to a quiet little township that was similar to where my first apartment was but not quite as pretentious. I lived there for 7 years before I decided to move back "home" to the eastside. My parents were getting older and had numerous health issues, the job around the corner from my home was gone and most of my friends had married and moved away. I loved it there but there wasn't a whole lot left for me. However, moving out to that side of town had chipped away my preconceived notions of who people are and made me value the things that mattered instead of valuing "stuff".

Now I live in a suburb with access to my friends and family within a 5 mile radius and life is good. Here are some scenes from around town:

This ice cream truck drives by ten times a day. Everytime I hear that music, I cringe.

We have an amazing park system and I'm lucky enough to live right down the street from this one.

Here's the War Memorial. It honors those who lost their lives in battle from WWII through the Gulf War. If you look closely enough, you can see that damn ice cream truck on the left. I can't get away from him!

We have world class dining and entertainment.

My travel companion

There's nothing like the wind through your ears

Home Sweet Home

Public Service Announcement

Friday, June 5, 2009

Today is National Doughnut Day. It's always celebrated the first Friday in June and was started in 1938 by the Chicago Salvation Army to raise funds during the Great Depression and to honor the World War I "lassies".

During WWI, the Salvation Army lassies were sent to the front lines of Europe. These brave volunteers made home cooked foods, and provided a moral boost to the troops. Often, the doughnuts were cooked in oil inside the of the metal helmet of an American soldier. The American infantrymen were commonly called doughboys.

Salvation Army lassies were the only women outside of military personnel allowed to visit the front lines. Ensign Helen Purviance is considered the Salvation Army's "first doughnut girl".

Fun Doughnut Facts:

In the U.S. alone, more than 10 billion doughnuts are made every year.

The largest donut ever made was an American-style jelly doughnut weighing 1.7 tons, which was 16 feet in diameter and 16 inches high in the center.

Per capita, Canada has more doughnut shops than any other country.

The hole in the doughnut's center appeared in the first half of the 19th Century.

Adolph Levitt invented the first doughnut machine in 1920.

There's a doctor at my hospital that looks like the "gotta make the doughnuts" guy from the Dunkin Donut commercials.

Check out your local doughnut shops for FREE giveaways today.

Please help the mentally challenged

Thursday, June 4, 2009

And I'm talking about me.

I thought, How fun will it be to put some slideshows on my blog? I started with Bernie and when I went into Picasa to add additional photos.

I saw an album that looked like the pictures on my blog but there were also some there that I haven't used so I thought, I don't need this album.



EVERY SINGLE PICTURE ON MY BLOG IS GONE. Well, except for the one of me and Nancy and my orangutan baby. Weird.

Does anyone know if they can be retrieved or do I have to repost them ONE BY ONE.


As My World Turns

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I got some terrible news yesterday. My neighbors, who have been married for 27 years and have two kids, are getting a divorce. It's terrible not because of the demise of a long marriage or because it will affect the children.

It's terrible because my neighbor, Jim, has the hots for me.

It started right after I moved in. I had met the widowed woman whose house I bought and she told me, "Jim next door has been a great help to me since my husband died last year." I thought, well, that's nice. He and his wife came over to welcome me and he said, "If there's anything you need, just let me know."

Apparently, they were close to the family who lived in my home because there's a gate leading from their yard into mine. Every time I was outside or would drive up from work, it was like Jim could smell me. Or maybe the GPS device he put under my car alerted him.

"Hi Christine!" and through the gate he would come.

After I adopted Bernie in 2007, it escalated. Bernie had a huge separation anxiety problem when I brought her home and she would howl and bark all day long. I worried that my neighbors on the opposite side would call the police since the husband works nights but they were fine.

I had given Jim my cell phone number and he called and left a message one afternoon.

"Hi Christine! It's Jim. Bernie's been barking all day. It doesn't look like she's done any damage, though, everything seems to be in order."

That's right. He was looking in my windows. And then he was upset that I didn’t call him back. “Didn’t you get my message? You didn’t call me back.” It got to the point where I hated coming home after work.

"Hi Christine! You were up late last night. Have trouble sleeping?"

"Hi Christine! You look nice today. I like your hair, your skirt, your glasses, your purse. You're so beautiful. Have you lost weight....." on and on and on.

I think my breaking point was when a friend who I had dated the year before came over to fix my lawn mower. As soon as Erik pulled into the driveway, I heard Jim's back door open.

"Hi Christine! Problem with your lawn mower?" as he opened the gate and came into the yard to check out Erik. I had told Erik about Jim so he wasn't very fond of him.

They had a pissing contest trying to deduce the problem with the lawn mower.

"I think it's this."

"No, maybe you should check that."

"Noooo....I already checked that. I'm sure it's this."

After Erik left, Jim came back over and said, "Was that White Truck?" Erik drove a white truck and used to stay over the house a lot.

I finally confronted Jim a few days later when I got home from work and was slipping my bra off under my blouse as he appeared at my deck door.

“Hi Christine!”

I told him that I valued his family as neighbors but that I thought he had crossed the line with his incessant calling and dropping by to "borrow some Windex." Of course, by then, I was no longer able to rationally discuss it and did everything short of shooting a gun off and telling him to get off my dang property 'fore I call the sheriff.

He slunk away and I didn't hear from him again for about 4 or 5 months. I knew then that I hadn't overreacted because an innocent person would have apologized immediately and told me that I had misinterpreted their advances.

We've made nice since then, maintaining a cordial distance but lately the calls have started up again.

"Hi Christine! I just wanted to let you know that I got a piece of your mail."

Well, then put it in my mailbox!

"Okay, thanks Jim. I'm not home(thank God)so go ahead and drop it in the box."

I was outside working in the yard yesterday when I heard the squeak of the gate door and could sense Jim moving closer.

"Hi Christine! I just wanted to let you know that Doris and I are getting a divorce."

Immediately, I pictured a For Sale sign going up in their yard. Jim will probably try to call me after he moves but I'll change my number. Yeah, that's it. I'll change my number.

Then, a handsome, single guy will move in and we'll start dating. We’ll fall in love and have to sell one of our houses…

I snapped back to reality, "Oh, no, Jim. I'm so sorry."

"Doris will be moving out but I'll be staying here with the kids."

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!the voice screamed out in my head as I replied,"Oh, I see."

I heard myself saying, "Let me know if you need anything," as the voice in my head shouted repeatedly, Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut UP!

Okay, God, what did I do to deserve this?

Is it because I took Your name in vain? You know, it really hurt when I walked into that wooden table and broke my baby toe.

Or is it because I tempted a man to commit adultery? I was 23 and he told me he was divorced. He also told me he loved me, which I believed. C’mon, I was 23.

And yes…yes…I admit. I coveted my neighbor’s donkey.

But aren’t you a loving, forgiving God? Isn’t there some other sort of penance I can perform?

Maybe I could eat ice cream without taking my Lactaid pill first?

Or date ugly guys?

Sit through an entire hockey game?

Pay full retail price?

I know we can work this out.

Happy Birthday!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Today is my friend Nancy's birthday. She is by far one of the most generous and genuine people I've ever known. Her smile is infectious and I can only envy her optimism. Her glass is always half full while mine is always half empty with a crack in it. She's one of the funniest people I know, even if Humor Bloggers doesn't agree. In my next lifetime, I want to come back as her daughter because she's a great mom.

Nancy and I met about 11 years ago when we were both working at a local newspaper. We worked with an odd cast of characters and I can remember us sitting in the lunchroom, looking across the table at each other as if to say, "We're not like them." And from there, a friendship was born.

Nancy, I'm so proud to call you my friend.

Happy Birthday. Have a GREAT day!

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