You want me to do what?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I was watching this educational video posted by JB over at It's Gonna Take More Than a Hamburger to Make Me Happy, and it got me thinking about a personal grooming experience from my past.

The year was 1988, the summer I turned 22. Of course, at the forefront of my mind was how I looked (kind of like it is now) and I always tried to find the latest, greatest beauty products. We women of Armenian descent are hairy. We pluck and bleach and shave and then shave again at the end of the day. And we don't have baby fine, blonde hair. We have coarse, dark hair.

The hottest thing on the market that year was a hand held hair removal device called an Epilady. It consisted of intertwined coils that rotated at a high speed and RIPPED your hair out by the root.

It has to go down in marketing history as one of the cleverest campaigns out there. How else could you convince grown women to shell out over $75 for a weapon that would leave you wincing in pain but "hair free for days!" $75 for that luxury? I'll give ya a hundred! Finally, something to ease my hair removal woes.

I didn't mind shaving my legs or even my underarms but my biggest pet peeve was my bikini line. I never seemed to be able to get a nice, smooth shave and I didn't like waxing, either. Epilady to the rescue!

I remember hurrying home to try out my new deluxe, gold model Epilady. You had to be sure your skin was dry and that you pulled it taut as you glided it over the area you were concentrating on.

"Wow," I thought to myself, "this isn't as painful as I thought it would be."

I ran my fingers over the section I had completed and I was really impressed with the results. And then it happened.

Now, keep in mind, the year was 1988. Women were just starting to trim down there as bikinis got smaller. I can still remember getting ready to go out on a Friday night when my friend Debbie implored her cousin, Carla, who was changing her clothes to "trim that, for God's sake." It was the 80's. We didn't look like prepubescent teens. We looked more like what this guy is wearing on his head.

So there I was, buzzing along, pulling hair out by the roots, getting a smooth bikini line. I listened to the hum of my Epilady.





You got it. Those rotating coils grabbed a hold of my errant Armenian bush and held on for dear life.

What the hell was I going to do? I tried sending my dog for help but Lassie he wasn't. He did come back with a squeaky toy that proved helpful as something to bite down on to ease the pain and muffle my screams.

I managed to make my way into another room, my Epilady dangling precariously between my legs. I found some sewing shears in the kitchen drawer and carefully snip snipped to release myself from its grip. I think I spent the rest of the night with a bag of frozen peas in my lap.

Thank God it's not the 80's anymore.


  1. Thanks for the visual....

    As youi know, Chrissy, I like to buy greeting cards. Many I don't ever give away because they are too damn funny. One of my favorites I bought up in Toronto.
    It's a sketch of a woman laying face down on her bed, head in pillow crying. And the context reads; "Virginia cried hysterically when Frank cancelled their date. All that time wasted on hair removal."

    I never did the Epilady. I bought the rotating shower head to get rid of cellulite. I thought that if I stayed in the shower long enough it would melt all the extra away. That was back when I thought I was fat at 120lbs. How stupid was I?


  2. Ummm - Thanks for the visual. I'll be honest, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! That damn Epilady has grabbed us all at one point or another...

  3. I enjoy your "confessional" blogs. They're dirty but with much more class than mine. Also, the Epilady looks like a booze strainer. Did you ever try using it for martinis?

  4. The things you women go through. Some day I'm going to publish a tome entitled "101 Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not a Women".

    Epilady will come it at number 88.

  5. This was hilarious! I'm sorry you had to go through it but at least you got a good story out of it.

    The lengths we go to in order to remove hair.

  6.'re KILLING me with this post!

    "a bag of frozen peas!!!"

    I remember when Epilady first came out and while I was in a department store one day (silly me), I actually tried to remove the hair on the top of my hands - HOLY SHIT...I SCREAMED!

    I can't even imagine what it would feel like been the legs!?!

  7. Errant Armenian bush" is a great term. Did you ever try shampooing with weed killer?

  8. Nancy,
    That's a great card! Way too funny to send. I know, is it funny how you look back and wonder, what the hell was I thinking?

  9. Travel Girl,
    I know you know what I'm talking about which is why it was so funny to you.

  10. Thanks, Carlos. Yes, I class the place up with my bush talk.
    Never used it as a strainer but now I wish I would have kept it. Damn.

  11. Chris,
    Let me know when you need more entries. I got plenty.

  12. Kim,
    Thanks for stopping by. Glad you were amused. Why can't we just be European and let it gggrrroooowwww??

  13. Ron,
    Multiply that feeling on your hands by about a million.

  14. MVD,
    Are you saying I have a common, unsightly and troublesome bush?

  15. Tooo funny...peeing in my panties, again! I never had the courage to by an Epilady...but being Scot/Irish there's not a lot of body hair. Please tell me you don't have a story about The Sponge...I do!

  16. After seeing the wig that dog was wearing, all I can say is thank God I was too young to have sex in the 1980's!

  17. Funny Girl,
    Not a lot of hair? I'm so jealous.

    Nope, no sponge stories here. Do tell! Were they all "sponge worthy?"

  18. Judge,
    It wasn't just sex, it was an adventure.

  19. the best part is any mention of greek or armenian people. -ian + -akis = hair

  20. I rarely LOL...but I did this time. So funny!

  21. Yes, DukAKIS. You know exactly what I'm sayin'.

  22. Andy,
    These things only happen to me. I swear, you can't make this stuff up.

  23. AH the epilady! It only gave me ingrown hairs. Maybe we should just stop shaving & pretend we don't speak English!

  24. Collette,
    That's a great plan! Rosetta Stone, here I come.

  25. thanks for sharing that.
    where did you find that hairy picture with the cute face?

  26. lisleman,
    Glad you enjoyed it. Google images, I think.

  27. Vajayjay stories...gotta love 'em. And this one I surely did.

  28. Heavens, it's a long time since I laughed so hard... I'm sorry you were in pain, but this was hilarious! I guess I can call myself lucky using my 'torture machine' electric epilator. :o)

  29. @Wine and Words,
    Yes, Oprah would be proud!

    @Julie Buz,
    The worst experiences usually do make the funniest stories!


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