Do you know who else has it really hard?
ME.
Yeah, that's right.
ME.
When I was a young girl, I thought I would marry in my 20's, have all my babies by 30, cook my family dinner every night and sew all my own sensible clothes.
Tell me these don't hide a multitude of sins.
I would be PTA President and packing a few extra pounds like the other moms. Life would be good.
Well, needless to say, things didn't exactly turn out the way I had planned. Now, this isn't me lamenting about lost opportunities.
This is me lamenting about the phrase "40 is the new 30".
Just when you think you've reached the point in your life when it's okay to start looking your age. That it's okay to embrace those little laugh lines, buy a bigger sized dress and stop wearing long pants to cover your varicose veins.
Then these bitches have to spoil it for us.
"This is the result of me wearing day cream and eye cream."
Put some clothes on Cindy Crawford. (43 years old) You have children, for God's sake!
"How fabulous am I? Thanks, Jenny Craig!"
Yeah, yeah, Valerie Bertinelli. (50 years old) Personally, I liked you better when you were a little chubby. You know, like me.
"I'm just the girl next door. Nothing special about me."
At least I can take solace in the fact that you can't keep a man, either, Jennifer Aniston (41 years old).
I don't need that kind of pressure. Personally, I'm ready to start looking like this.
I've already got the pearls. R.I.P, Aunt Bee.
Oh, honey! Don't you DARE let these gals make you feel bad about yourself! If YOU had 8 hours to spend at the gym, you'd look like they did as well! And you do realize the multitude of sins one can cover up when schmeared with 3 cans of shaving cream? (Okay, so maybe it's cool whip, but still...)
ReplyDeleteIf you put yourself in a room with a hundred non-celebrities...you'd come out on top, trust me.
Girl, you may have the birthdate of a 40 year old, but you in no way have the life or the personality of one. You are one of my favorite blogs. Don't let that pressure get to you, with the divorce rate, nipped and tucked women, it isn't all the it's cracked up to be.
ReplyDeletePeace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
OMG...this is the second post I've read today that had Jennifer Aniston in it!!!
ReplyDeleteOk, can I just tell you how faaaaaaaabulous I think you are??
"This is the result of me wearing day cream and eye cream."
Bwhahahahahahahaahaha!
Listen, none of these women. And I mean NONE of these women have the personality, humor, depth, and BEAUTY that you contain.
And remember, girl....
...those are just PHOTOS. And a multitude of sins can be BRUSHED away in a photo.
X
Hey Chrissy! Here babe, have a hug. We love Chrissy as nature intended, and not airbrushed for mass neanderthal/neurotic consumption. Of course, I'd compare directly, but the bikini/cream-smeared photos of you (despatched under plain cover) seem to have gone missing in the mail. Hey, maybe tomorrow. Don't let the bitches get you down! You can borrow one of my ties anytime x Indigo
ReplyDeleteI was going to say something wonderful about you, but I got distracted by the whip cream in my eyes!
ReplyDeletebaby
@Kathyrn,
ReplyDeleteThanks,Sweetie. It still pisses me off, though.
@Redbonegirl97,
I appreciate that, Tiffany. I actually have the birthdate of a soon to be 44 year old.
@Ron,
Thanks, Ron. I needed that. Lova ya! xoxo
@IndigoWrath,
HA! Can I borrow the tie from your last blog post?
Powerpoint? Really?? :-)
Thanks for the hug. Back atcha!
@R. Jacob,
Whatever. I'll get there. I'm back on the P90x wagon! Baby
We all loved her and her kerosene pickles but you aint no Aunt Bea. You're smokin hot and funny. Dont change a thing.
ReplyDeleteWhen you do the yoga, I want to be there to watch you do your upward and downward dog! A chair and a six pack!
ReplyDeleteg'day
baby
Okay, I ended up over here from Park and Vivienne because the name of your blog intrigued me. So glad I did cause I was just telling a youngster the other night about all my various parts deciding to move south once I turned 33 (last year, but whatever) and this post made me laugh out loud about it all. Okay, I want to cut Jennifer Anniston and Valerie B., but I still laughed.
ReplyDeleteWell how do you think I feel? Those guys got to see Jennifer what's-her-face totally naked.
ReplyDeleteHey Chrissy! You want to borrow my DuChamp mauve/orange/turquoise tie? But of course. Just mail me your address and it's yours by return of post. Send photos. I'll send flowers. And chocolates. And treats for Bernie! Indigo
ReplyDelete@Simply Suthern,
ReplyDeleteOh, okayyyyy...
@R. Jacob,
Nice.
@Candance,
Oh, honey. Embrace your age. What I wouldn't do for that body that I hated but that in retrospect seems perfect!
@C. Andres Alderete,
Oh, please. You know they don't even see her. They're looking at each other.
@IndigoWrath,
I know! I'll wear it for my "after" photo!