As My World Turns, Part 2

Monday, August 24, 2009

Okay, so it hasn't gotten any better. In fact, it's gotten much worse. In case you weren't around for Part 1, click here to get up speed on the nightmare that is my life. Alright, nightmare might be a little harsh but you'll see what I mean.

The condensed version is that my neighbors are getting a divorce and the husband is way too friendly. The house has been transferred over into his name and he made certain that I was aware of the fact that they are now sleeping in separate rooms. He finds a reason to call me at least once a day and I can't set foot outside without the reverberating, "Christine!" yell coming over the fence.

The other day he called me and started the conversation with, "Hi Christine. I just wanted to let you know I was looking over at your house from my third floor window..."

I expected the next line to be, And I saw you getting out of the shower. He wanted to tell me that my gutters needed cleaning. Um, thanks?

I have a beautiful yard that I never enjoy and even my front steps have become off limits for me and Bernie. I love my house but I would move tomorrow to get away from this man. I've reached the breaking point that I was at in 2007 when I had to tell him to leave me alone. My sister thinks it would be "mean" to tell him again and that I should find a nice, subtle way to convey my annoyance so I've written this letter for your review:

Dear Jim,

Though we've had this discussion before, I feel that it is once again time to tell you how I feel about your constant phone calls and knocks at my door.

*No, I don't care if my gutters need cleaning and I would appreciate it if you would stop inspecting my house.

*No, I don't want any of the watermelon you are cutting up.

*No, I don't need anything from Costco.

*No, I don't need you to take a look at my computer and make sure that it's running at optimal speed.

*No, I'm not home yet and I don't care if my garbage can is nowhere to be found.

*No, I don't need any coupons for the Vitamin Shoppe.

*No, Bernie does not need you to come over when I'm not home to take her out.

*No, I don't have any extra U-Verse remotes that you can use. Yes, I only have one TV. Yes, one. No, I don't want another TV.

*No, I don't care if I forgot to close my dining room window before I turned my air conditioning on.

*No, I'm not off today. I was just up late and that's why my bedroom light was on.

*Yes, I'm home from work already which is why my front door is open. My car is in the garage.

*No, I haven't lost weight, cut my hair, done something different..


The following are the circumstances under which you may call me:

*My house is being burglarized. Please call 911 first.

*My house is burning down. Use the key I'm quite certain you have, to get Bernie out and then call 911.

If you set foot uninvited on my property again, I will set off a warning shot to remind you. In other words, leave me the f#!@# alone!

Thank you.



What do you think? It's nice, right?

38 comments

  1. Perfect! That should send the appropriate message to your creeper.

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  2. "Use the key I'm quite certain you have"(giggle). He sounds like a lonely stalker and I think it is good that you are being very clear about your boundaries...firmness required. Would Bernie bite, if needed?

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  3. Ah, the newly divorced(almost divorced) middle-aged male. I know the species well. Do you want me to add him to my hit list?

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  4. BRAVA, Chrissy...it's perfect!

    You tell him, girl!

    OMG...I remember reading your previous post about this guy and I can't believe he's still doing this - what a creep. This would drive me crazy too, because I don't like my personal space invaded.

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  5. I needed to have my gutters cleaned last year. I did a Google search for "gutter cleaning". It took me to a porn video website.

    Maybe he thought you really need to have your 'gutters' cleaned.
    (winkwink)

    There's a house down the street for sale. You want I should go check it out for you?
    :-)

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  6. The last sentence reminds me of the line from Chicago. "I took the gun off the wall and fired three warning shots......into his head!"

    That's not what you meant by warning shots is it?

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  7. holy cow, I'd say that's a nightmare or he is at least.
    wow.

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  8. All this playing hard to get........

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  9. Ew,creepy (unless he's cute and rich), but I don't get the impression that he is. So...ew, creepy.

    As far as the letter, I think it is perfect. To the point and I think it took alot of restraint that you only used f**k once.

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  10. I wonder if he jiggles his ding-dong when he thinks of you. He probably does.

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  11. @Travel Girl,
    Thanks for your feedback.

    @Lorna,
    As long as you offer Bernie a cookie, you can rob me of house and home.

    @KC,
    Aw, that's so sweet. What a pal you are!

    @Ron,
    Yes! Can you believe it? It's really not even funny anymore. I plan my outside time around when he isn't home.

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  12. Leave your bedroom shades pulled back and let him get an eye full...he's just frustrated and yes, needs to jiggle his ding-dong...

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  13. @Nancy,
    Did you really get to a porn site? Send me that address, would you? Oh, I would love to move down the street from you!Does it have A/C??

    @Christina,
    That's too funny. No, but thanks for the idea.

    @Matthew,
    You stop! That made me chuckle.

    @Stacie,
    One word. Yup.

    @

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  14. @Theresa,
    No. He looks like Chris Eliott. Thank you! I was proud I only said it once and that I didn't even call him an a##hole.

    @Funny Girl,
    That's good! Better for court.

    @Carlos,
    You had to go there, didn't you?

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  15. Timoteo,
    I swear you guys are just as bad as him! Do you know I've never opened any of my blinds on that side of the house? In three years.

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  16. Chrissy I love it.....please send it off to him ASAP so he will leave you the f**k alone so you can enjoy your yard without him staring at you hahahah. Sorry but it's funny you have a stalker how sweet love.

    good luck with your stalker keep us posted.....see if you where a stripper it would be worse.

    love
    jbxoxo

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  17. I fell in here by accident and stayed to read up on your wonderfully thoughtful neighbor. I have the solution for your problem and it is OBVIOUS. Take a 2 x 4 and just nail it across the gate. Your intention would be SO obvious that if he breaks the gate open, you will have NO DOUBT that he's a bit off his rocker. But PUT THE 2 X 4 BACK UP and call the police if he comes through it again. (save the 2 x 4 to show them)

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  18. @jb,
    Stop....It is NOT funny! You're right. Can you imagine??

    @dana,
    thanks for staying and helping me find a solution. So for the front yard, what do you think...electric fence?

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  19. Tell him you're going vegan again and your farts will be back to weapon-of-mass-destruction-caliber. Or ask him if he knows of any home remedies for syphilis. Clearly I'm a big, wussy fan of "It's not you, it's me..."

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  20. Freaky! I have 2 houses right across the street from me for sale. Move in soon. I hate those neighbors!
    You could act like you have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend. That may freak him out enough to move his whole family away, but he also may be creepy enough to like that stuff (most men do...UGH!)
    If you do send a letter, make copies & keep track of everything he does. You may have to go to court.
    Good luck, sweetie!

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  21. I think that letter will definitely do the trick. Maybe you should print it on bright yellow paper just in case.

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  22. This guy is absolutely freaking me out! This is complete obsession, pure and simple. I think he's obviously one of those people that you simply cannot be subtle (or even remotely nice) to w/o his getting the wrong idea.
    We're gonna have to take him down.
    I'll be right over.

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  23. Freaky stalker type, eh? No doubt he thinks he's very hot, and you'd be grateful for his attention. Yikes-- why are so many men like this? And can't he at least wait till the so-called body is cold???

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  24. @Jules,
    Good plan but if I tell him I'm going vegan again, he'll bring over all kinds of vegan things for me to try. Again.

    @Collette,
    I didn't think to document. Great idea!

    @Kim,
    Right! Then maybe his wife will see the yellow paper.

    @Kathryn,
    No, I need to shove it in his face. C'mon over, girlfriend!

    @Leah,
    I can't imagine that he really thinks he has a chance. He looks like Chris Elliot. That's not hot.

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  25. It's always difficult letting someone know how you feel without giving them THAT actual information.

    Jim, I just thought it worth mentioning that I don't find you attractive. Your attentions are making me so uncomfortable, that I time my time in the garden (yard? I'm not fluent in American) to avoid you.

    And the 2x4 is a must. Sends a stronger signal than fitting a bolt to your side. Plus any off cuts can be left by your front door to punctuate any conversation.

    So the above would be:

    Jim[wham] I just thought it worth mentioning that I don't find you attractive[wham] Your attentions are making me so uncomfortable[wham] that I time my time in the garden to avoid you[wham wham whammity wham bleed]

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  26. Oh my god, he sounds so creepy lol.

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  27. [wakes up and checks name] Chris Elliot? Hey! What's wrong with bald, bearded men? Think very carefully before answering or you'll have TWO baldy stalkers...

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  28. @Yes, Alexis. He is.

    @Grey,
    Now...now...I didn't say all bald, bearded men. If Sean Connery was stalking me, I would leave my door unlocked.

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  29. I was a little disturbed to google Mr. Elliot and find a passable clone. Perhaps I have a future career as a double! [sulks] But not of Sean Connery...

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  30. You told him in 2007 and he didn't get the point? This letter is too nice. Shoot him in the knee next time he comes over. Obviously you were too subtle before.

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  31. Stop Grey! You are not Chris Elliot's clone.

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  32. Nitebyrd,

    He got the point for about 4 months. I like your thinking. How long to get a gun permit?

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  33. A sign by the street notifying the neighborhood that he is a creep with arrow pointing------>>>>>>>> might do the trick. Or someone big and burly to knock on his door and reason with him!

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  34. R. Jacob,
    Both very good ideas! Hey, they list sex offenders in your neighborhood, why not creeps, too?

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  35. I think it's time you had a nice little chat with the police about this. Seriously. They'll have suggestions and it'll be on record that you were concerned enough to talk to them. The restraint order can come later.

    Seriously.

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  36. @Beloved Parrot,
    He has actually left me alone in the last month but believe me, I have the police option in my back pocket ready to go.

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C'mon, you know you want to say it..

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