Monday Morning Millie

Monday, February 20, 2012

"J....L....P.....M??.....Oh, shit, I can't read this line at all."

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

"I can do that, too!"

Original Post Date, March 29, 2010

I’m a brand loyalist.

I only buy Diet Coke, won’t eat a salad without Wishbone Balsamic and Basil Vinaigrette dressing and I replace my white leather Keds with white leather Keds. I thank L’Oreal for my long lashes, Bare Minerals for my “flawless” complexion and Pantene for my shiny locks.

When I worked out religiously in the past, I always bought Nike apparel and shoes. They’re one of the few vendors that make a pant long enough for my 34" inseam and the athletic shoes fit me like a glove.

WHY I decided to go out and buy a pair of Avia shoes is beyond me. I suppose it was the pretty "sale" sign that clouded my judgement. Well, I wore them around the house and hated them. Back they went and I brought home a nice new pair of Nike running shoes.

I know what you’re thinking. Running shoes, Chrissy? Isn’t that a little ambitious?

Well, yes it is, my friends, but this is my fantasy, so shut it.

I headed to the gym last night, sporting an extra spring in my step, courtesy of Nike. I went much later than usual so it was easy to snag a treadmill since there weren’t many people there. As I stretched, I sized up my gym mates.

Two treadmills to the right was a large man wearing one of those silver sauna sweat suits. I’ve seen them in magazines but I’ve never actually seen anyone wear one in person. I would imagine that the fabric is nylon, as they tout the benefits of “sweating your way to a slimmer you”.

Sure, if you don’t pass out and die first. So far, Mr. Silverman looked like he was going to make it as he walked at a regular pace.

To my left, facing the opposite wall was a very large woman wearing white. White calf length pants, white shoes and a white top over her white sports bra. And she was jogging. I thought to myself, If she can do it, so can I!

Scattered around the room were some senior citizens up past their bedtime and some younger guys who were probably the ones who drove Grandma and Grandpa to the Y.

They limit you to 30 minutes on each piece of equipment so I started walking at a faster pace than normal to warm up because I wanted to start alternately jogging and walking tonight.

Since it was dark out, when I looked ahead, all I could see was the reflective image of myself in the mosaic of condensation and cracked glass that the fitness room’s windows provided. It was likely my shadowy silhouette that lulled me into thinking I actually looked pretty good when I started to jog. My new sports bra was keeping the girls in place and my yoga pants gave my legs a really lean look.

I glanced to my right, Keep going, Mr. Silverman, and all this could be yours someday.

I was feeling pretty impressed with myself when a tiny slip of a thing sauntered up to the treadmill between me and Mr. Silverman. She was probably about 25 years old, 5'3, cute as a button and skinny, even though she was wearing two layers of clothing. She started out walking so I, of course, had to continue jogging to show her up.

Game on, honey!

I realized I had pushed my limits when I felt the first bit of vomit coming up my throat so I opted to slow down to a brisk walk. As I gasped to catch my breath, Miss Tiny started to jog. I glanced over and disgustedly noticed that her ass was keeping pace with the rest of her body unlike mine that bounced uncontrollably wondering what the hell was happening.

Once again, I got the bright idea to start jogging. I increased the speed and hoped there was no one on the machines behind me to witness this.

Let's do this, chicky!

I looked at Miss Tiny's reflection in the window because it seemed rude to stare right at her. I saw her reflection unzip her hoodie and remove it to reveal a long sleeved tee. I had to look. It was like staring at the sun. I knew I should look away, but I couldn't. She had barely a glisten on her face while I worried that I might have splashed some sweat her way when I turned my head.

How do you not sweat?? It doesn't matter. I'll just keep going.

Five pathetic minutes later, I slowed to a walk again and Miss Tiny removed her long sleeved tee to reveal her perfectly petite body running like a gazelle in a racerback bra top. You heard that right.

It's a bra.

It's a top.


Game over.

I did it!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I finally moved.

Sort of....

A little background for some of my newer readers. I lost both of my parents in the last year and a half and they left their home to my sister and I. We weren't really ready to sell it so I decided to buy out Lisa, move into it and rent mine out. It's got more space and since mine is pretty updated already, I figured it would be easier to rent and then sell when the market turns.

Mom died last March and it's been a long emotional road to get here. The first thing was clearing out their house and deciding what to keep, sell or donate. I did it all myself because Lisa just couldn't bring herself to even set foot in the house. I rolled up the oriental rugs, refinished the floors and painted the walls so it no longer looks like 1970 when you walk in. I'll have to take some pictures to show you once I'm settled.

Friday, the 17th was scheduled as my moving day but I guess I waited too long to set up the transfer of my TV and internet because I'm now sitting in the office of my otherwise empty house, writing this post because I won't have internet until February 29!! Originally, they gave me a mid March date for installation but since I threatened to go to another provider, they were suddenly able to find me a sooner date.

I'm sure I'll be much more productive with unpacking since I won't have any distractions but it was so weird to be there last night without a TV or computer. I was ready to go to sleep at 7:30!

Instead of hiring movers, Manly Man helped me. Remember Manly Man? I met him in 2009 when he was separated but he (OF COURSE) went back to his wife. He's a firefighter and as many firefighters do, he has a side business as a handy man so I've used him for jobs around the house in the last few years and my sister, Lisa, has too.

There's still an attraction between us but, alas....he's just my Eldon and I'm his Murphy Brown. The best I can do is take furtive pictures of him on my camera phone and later fantasize about him.

Here he is carrying me into the house so he can have his way with me. What do you mean, that's not what you see? Close your eyes and try again.

Here he is, naked, and reaching for something in the pantry.

I better go finish fantasizing  unpacking now.


Monday Morning Dino

Monday, February 13, 2012

Read amazing stories about people with these titles.

Okay, this one requires some background. I left a pile of clean laundry on the chair and when I came home, Dino was wearing my underwear. It was completely wrapped around him and I have no idea how he did this. Unless he had some help....

"Where were you Vinny?? I told you she would be home soon. I can't get these things off myself!"

"I don't know what you're talking about. Millie, do you know what he's talking about?"

Focus group wanted

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Hi Guys!

In September, I told you all about my new project, It's been a slow start getting my focus directed on it but I've been working with this awesome guy, Timothy at Operation Enterprise. He worked through the web design with me and is now helping me to focus on SEO web content.

As you may recall, I started the website because of my obsession with dieting. In my quest for the perfect bod, I LOVE looking at before and after pictures of people and reading about how they did it.

So I set the site up as a place for people to post their stories and photos to share with others. I also write articles for it and have added a community forum where people can support each other during their journey.

I see my web traffic increasing but people aren't becoming engaged. They come, they read a few articles, they go. We're currently working on re-doing the profile registration so that people can sign up even if they're just getting started or maybe are too shy to post their pics.

This is where I reach out to you, my dear readers, to help me determine what people might be looking for to make them feel like they're part of a "community" or just make them want to come back more than once.

I'm not looking to become a Facebook for weight loss. Well, not right away....That requires deep pockets of which my pockets have deep holes.

But I truly believe the concept is great. I know it's something that I always looked for and was never able to find. Here are some general questions for you:

Would you be willing to post your pics and info?

If so, to what degree? Just pounds lost or before and after stats? Too much info?

How active are you in other forums? What draws you in and keeps you coming back? The information or the relationships you develop in that "community"?

Would you be interested in having your own personal blog on a community site where you could post your progress?

I would LOVE any and all feedback you're willing to share. I'll tell you lieu of payment, I would give you future stock shares in the company. Can you say IPO?

Monday Morning Millie

Monday, February 6, 2012

"Scarlett and her drapery dress got nuthin' on me and my ballerina tutu babushka."

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

"I knew it!"

Original Post Date, April 23, 2010

So you know how I've been lamenting over the fact that I've gained 30+ pounds in the last year, right?

And how my sister insists that it's perimenopause?

And how I'm sure that I'm NOT perimenopausal but that there must be something beyond my control physiologically that's causing this?

Well, I was finally able to get into an endocrinologist this week to see what might be going on. She asked me a series of questions:

1. Are you fatigued often? Yep.

2. Do you have trouble sleeping? Nope. Just waking up.

3. Any excess body hair? Well, I'm Armenian so this must be a trick question.

She ordered bloodwork to test my hormones, pituitary gland and thyroid. Thanks to McAfee, our computers have been down for 24 hours but I was able to get a copy of my test results to look over.

Now, keep in mind, I work in administration at a hospital. I'm not a doctor and I don't pretend to be one. However, I do have access to Google so I'm able to self diagnose virtually every disease I've ever had.

Here are some examples:

Symptoms - July, 2008

Pressure like chest pain radiating to my left arm

Clammy sweating

Rapid heartbeat and palpitations

Inability to catch my breath.

Self diagnosis: HEART ATTACK

Actual diagnosis by Emergency room physician: PANIC ATTACK

Symptoms - January, 2009




Muscle aches

Pain when urinating

Self-diagnosis: HIV

Actual diagnosis: BLADDER INFECTION

Symptoms - September, 2009

New growth on neck, dark and asymmetrical in shape

Raised texture to the touch

Found after spending a great deal of time outdoors in the summer

Self diagnosis: SKIN CANCER


Okay, so maybe I haven't been 100% accurate, but this time I'm feeling pretty confident.

I've evaluated my hormone levels. I've also looked at the normal versus overactive percentile ranges for pituitary activity and come to a conclusion.

Self diagnosis: I'M PREGNANT.

Behold and rejoice the Second Coming!

Or...maybe I just have gas. I'll let you know what the doc says today.

Stripper Chick Wisdom

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Check out these healthy living mags with free shipping.

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.

"Let's all take a lesson from Demi, ladies over 40. Do your self esteem a favor. Only date older men with macular degeneration.

And hide their car keys."

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