It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

To say that I’ve had a challenging couple of years would be an understatement. I’ve experienced a roller coaster of emotions as this ‘resistant to change’ gal has had her whole world turned upside down.

We all have different ways of dealing with stress in our lives. Some people drink, some smoke or do drugs. My drug of choice happens to be food. And it was never a problem until I started gaining weight when I was about 42. The weight gain was insidious; 5 pounds here, another 10 there. On my 5’9 frame, it was barely noticeable.

I started on meds for anxiety and depression last year and subsequently gained another 40 pounds. Was it all from the meds? Heck no! I’m pretty sure that nightly pitchers of cocktails and gallons of ice cream contributed as well.

Looking back, I realize that I lived a lot of my life for my parents. Even before they were both ill. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I have any regrets or that I would have done anything differently. I’ve just been struggling for the last 9 months to figure out who I am and what I want.

I couldn’t tell you if I’ve grieved “properly”. I don’t know that there’s really a right or wrong way and I know it’s different for everyone. I’ve just been trying to move forward while struggling to make peace with a lot of the past.

It’s no secret that I’m really unhappy with my weight right now and I’ve been busting my butt to make some changes. When I went on a dating website a month ago, I knew I wasn’t in an emotionally healthy place for a relationship and was instead looking for a distraction through the holidays.

Then I met Macy’s guy. You know how it is when you instantly click with someone and you feel like you’ve known them forever? It doesn’t just happen with romance. I’ve met women who have become my kindred souls seemingly without effort.

Macy’s guy and I had common ground on so many things and we were never at a loss for conversation. We saw each other a few times a week and shared a lot as we talked for an hour every night. I even made the bold move to invite him to a get together with all of my closest friends and he readily accepted. The last time they met anyone I was dating was 5 years ago.

He seemed to be everything that I didn’t think I wanted and it seemed crazy because it was all so sudden and yet it kinda made sense, too. I vacillated between running like hell and jumping in feet first.

Last weekend, I hadn’t heard from him much and I was finally able to get him on the phone Monday night when he told me that he “didn’t want to pursue this any further”.

I didn’t understand and so I asked him, “Why?” His response was that he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to sound shallow.

My heart sunk and I thought of the struggles with my weight that I had shared with him. He was dumping me because of the way I look. I would have preferred that he had called me a bitch or told me that my moral compass was askew or that my pot roast was lousy but the way I LOOK??

This was unchartered territory for me and my knee jerk reaction was to defend myself and tell him how hard I had been working out. Then, almost as soon as I heard myself saying it, I retracted it realizing that I didn’t have to justify myself to someone who didn’t accept me as I was.

But you know what? I get it. I mean, I’m as shallow as he is, only I’ll reject someone immediately. I don’t string ‘em along and then change my mind. I guess he wasn’t the person that I thought (hoped) he was but the blow to my ego was devastating.

Have you watched any of the news coverage about the death of North Korean leader, Kim Jong-il, where they show the people of North Korea out in the streets wailing in sadness over the loss of him?


That’s how I was Monday night.

I took the dogs for a long walk and I sobbed all the way. I can’t believe no one called the police. I made sure to go down different streets where no one knew me!

I was so distraught but not over the loss of Macy’s guy. I guess I was crying over the loss of my youth, my hotness and everything that has to do with how I look. I had officially entered middle age and it sucked.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?

Oh yes.

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to.

Secondhand Sunday

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

"Spanx me"

Original Post Date, July 2, 2010

“Maybe you should think about wearing a girdle.”

Ahhhh…Saturdays with Mom.

This is what my mother thinks I look like.

I believe my mother has a condition called reverse other people’s bodies dysmorphia. She sees me as way fatter than I am. Yes...yes! I've gained a lot of weight but I'm 5'9 so 40 pounds on me isn't the same as 40 pounds on someone who's 5'2. And besides, 25 of those pounds are in my boobs.

What is the big freakin' deal??

Then I came home and tried on one of my skirts from last summer. It didn't zip all the way up and I heard my mother's voice, "Maybe you should think about wearing a girdle." I don't even like wearing control top pantyhose but we're in a different time than when our mother's wore girdles. Today, girdles have fancy names like Spanx and they're trendy to wear. Heck, even Queen Oprah sings their praises.

So I went to to see what the hype was all about. Oh, look! They have a new line of slimming swimwear. Okay, Spanx marketers. If you want to convince me that this bathing suit is going to make me look slimmer, don't show me a skinny bitch without an ounce of body fat wearing one.

"Look at me! I haven't eaten since May."

Show me THIS woman wearing the body slimming bathing suit if you want me to shell out $107.

I looked through all the nonsensically named bodysuits, shapers, panties and slips and finally decided on the "Higher Power" body shaper.

It has a high waist to eliminate the "muffin top" and longer legs to slim those cottage cheesey thighs. Wait a minute...$36?!?!?!

Well, I found one for a fraction of the cost on eBay and bought it. Yes, it's probably stolen since there was no packaging but I don't care. Didn't you hear the part about it being a fraction of the cost?

Let me tell you, ladies, (and curious gents) I HATE this stupid thing. First of all, it took me 5 minutes to get it on over my butt. My face was bright red by the time I did and I had to sit down and rest. The high waist doesn't stay high unless you're as thin as skinny bitch. The top rolled down by the time I got to work and created a larger bulge than ever existed before.

There's a handy dandy hole in the crotch for, I'm guessing here, relieving yourself. But it would be impossible to do without dribbling all over it. And besides, it just feels freaky walking around work in what are essentially crotchless panties.

Are they handy for a quickie? Oh, sure. But for as good as they might look under your clothing, they're less than flattering by themselves so it's not likely I would even get any takers.

Sorry, Oprah, I usually like every book, wine, car, hair product and musical artist that you suggest but I have to give you a big thumbs down on this one.

Well, whadya know??

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Alas, after a little over two weeks, I reached my disgust threshold and took my profile down from the dating website. I love the things that men do to entice you.

Pictures of their cars

Picture of them cuddling dogs

Pictures of their houses

And my favorite going out of business line

"Hurry! I’m only on here for two more days before my membership expires." I think this was the guy who under "my favorite things to do", wrote SEX.

Hey, we didn't need Chess King and we don't need you!

Needless to say, I didn't fall for any of them. Instead, I fell for a picture of a handsome guy sitting on his living couch, smiling. Remember Macy’s guy? The one I fell in love with when he told me his father gets VIP seats to the Macy’s parade and then subsequently was annoyed with when he stopped calling after a week?

Well, he finally did call again and we went out for drinks.

Which led to dinner.

And more drinks.

And dessert.

And then FOUR HOURS LATER, we were both completely smitten with each other.

Which led to another date. And another. And another. I’ll keep you posted!

Monday Morning Vinny

Monday, December 5, 2011

I had quite a scare with Vinny this week. I noticed that he wasn't peeing in his litter box but I was smelling pee all over the rest of the house and finding it in little tiny spots.

I thought he might have a urinary tract infection so I asked a few cat owner friends and they suggested calling my vet just to be safe.

The vet was concerned that Vinny might have a blockage because that tends to happen in male cats more than females. If it's not treated quickly, they could die within a few days.

I took him in for an exam and the x-rays revealed that he has an unusually small bladder. There were no stones present but it was very inflamed in a condition called FIC or Feline Idiopathic Cystitis.

The actual cause is unknown but it can develop in cats when you only feed them a dry diet because cats need to get water from their food. They won't seek out water the way dogs will so Vinny has started on a prescription canned food diet and the vet suggested adding some chicken broth because the salt will encourage more water drinking.

She also suggested a pet fountain. You know how some cats and dogs like to drink out of a hose or a running faucet in the sink? The fountain provides the same concept. I found this one by Animal Planet.

The good news is that Vinny is peeing normally again.

The bad new is that it's on my living room rug.

The vet said that he might still associate the litter box with discomfort so I need to lock him in a room with the litter box so he'll start using it again.

Anything for my Vin Vin!

Free at last!!

Friday, December 2, 2011

I know a lot of you may have seen this already but I just had to share. Get out the tissues.

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