Know what this is?
A bowl of Halloween candy, you say.
Nope.
This is the third bowl of Halloween candy that I've bought in the last two weeks. I've eaten the other two as my fat ass will attest.
I can't help it. I just have a very compulsive personality. I always tell people that I'm addicted to sugar and they usually brush it off as no big deal.
Chrissy....c'mon, just have a piece.
Would you tell an alcoholic, C'mon...just have a sip?
No, of course you wouldn't, because you know they wouldn't be able to stop at one sip.
When I finish the last piece of candy, I go through the requisite self-loathing like any good addict. However, there's no one planning my intervention because I can still hold a job and I'm haven't started turning tricks for my next Kit Kat fix.
For all intents and purposes, I look relatively "normal".
You remember me telling you about My Favorite, right? Well, this addictive personality doesn't just rear it's ugly head with sugar. Do I need to spell it out for you?
S-E-X
Do you know how difficult it is to try to have a relationship with someone who's on the other side of the country? Oh, and that you haven't seen in 5 years? Can you say sexual tension? (Okay, I have to update this to avoid the confusion. It's not that I haven't had sex in 5 years, I haven't seen HIM in 5 years. Geez, what am I? A nun?)
Thank God for modern technology because we've been able to get very creative with our communication. In fact, I think some of the things we've done are illegal in about 5 states.
The good news is, that he'll be in town for the holidays in December.
The bad news is, that's still 2 months away.
Hey! You in the Nissan Maxima...Mama needs a Kit Kat, baby..
If you ever do decide to prostitute yourself, hold out for the Hershey factory tour in Pennsylvania.
ReplyDeleteChocolate....mmmmm....wait. 5 years, no sex? That's just insane, and no amount of chocolate or technical advances can fix that!
ReplyDeleteOh. My. God. Sis?
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, can I have one of those Butterfingers? Also, one of those grape tootsie roll pops?
ReplyDeleteThat is...unless you've already eaten ALL of them?!
HA!
I agree with Mia....
...there's a whole Hershey chocolate factory here in PA.
I think some of the things we've done are illegal in about 5 states.
Do tell!
Maybe your ass fat will look so good to him, he'll go wild with it! We can only hope, right?
ReplyDeleteI eat sugar, but avoid chocolate, it still races to my ass!
Secretia
There's gotta be a support group for sugar addicts, they have one for just about EVERYTHING now-a-days! Hey don't feel alone in the no nuggie department, I'm catching up to you, goin on 2 years for me, augh! I don't want to talk about it, just give me another f.. kitkat!
ReplyDeleteOh My! Well, just in case it's not so great once he reaches your state, make sure you have a stash next to the bed!
ReplyDelete@Mia,
ReplyDeleteSplendid idea! And just a car drive away..
@adrienzgirl,
Oh no! Let me clarify. No sex with HIM in 5 years. We've only reconnected since August and we haven't seen each other yet.
5 years. Bite your tongue!
@thagalkiki,
See comment above. :-)
@Ron,
I know. I love Mia's idea. I bought the Tootsie Pops this time because they take longer to eat.
I've only had two.... :-)
@Secretia,
Well, he liked it before..
You avoid chocolate?? I don't even know you anymore...
@Brndoutw8tress,
Oh, there's a support group but get this, they want you to STOP eating sugar. WHA???
See? You understand the sugar thing. :-)
@Lee the Hot Flash Queen,
ReplyDeleteWay ahead of you...
Internet relationships? Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, but I don't wear it any more cos I couldn't get the bloodstains out.
ReplyDeleteI've resisted the urge to even buy any candy yet because I know I'll eat the whole batch before Saturday and my ass can't take any more.
ReplyDeleteI'm buying Halloween candy, and I don't even have kids come over to my place.
ReplyDeleteEven if they did, I don't think I'm give them candy. I'd be nervously peering at them from behind a curtain as I eat a Snickers.
Butterfingers, Kit Kats, mm... Almond Joys, if that isn't provocative talk, I don't know what is!
ReplyDeleteHere at WJ's home, I have hidden my candy from myself. I apparently also have short-term memory loss and seriously have no clue where it all is!!
SEX and CANDY??? A girl after my own heart... I just ate a carmel apple lolipop which might be the second best thing ever.. After SEX of course... however, i am on a 9 month celibacy stint.. Gotta love those military deployments, atleast theres lots of candy here!!!
ReplyDeleteI'd rather go 5 years without sex than without candy.
ReplyDeleteHalloween candy? You mean you're supposed to save it for Halloween? OOPS...
ReplyDeleteI've resisted the temptation to buy candy -- 'cause I know what would happen to it and to me as a result. Some temptations aren't so easy to avoid, are they?
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog. It's terrific!
Hey Chrissy! Damn, another blog that will keep me awake all night... god bless the creative, wailing, sweaty possibilities of the internet ;> Indigo
ReplyDeletehaha this is too freakin funny! Thanks for the good laugh... and I'm so sorry for you. Is he really worth 5 years? Hmmmmm....
ReplyDeleteMy my, Chrissy!!! Does Bernie hear you talking this way?? Cover her sweet little doggie-ears, won't-cha???
ReplyDeleteNow you've got me (and the countless people before me) thinking about the different ways we can have sex without having sex.
I may just forget it's garbage night....
@Cogitator,
ReplyDeleteHave you tried OxyClean?
@The Peach Tart,
Smart woman. I don't know what the hell I was thinking.
@Judge Fudge,
LOL! I can't just picture you behind the curtain, too.
@Jules,
That's so funny! I have a terrible short term memory, too. I should try that.
@JW.BW,
Yes, but you can't eat the candy. You're my inspiration to get in shape. I used to LOVE those caramel apple pops until I pulled a filling out. Be careful!
@kys,
SO true!
@CatLadyLarew,
ReplyDeleteYes, the bags should come with directions or something. It's not our fault.
@Sherry at EX Marks the Spot,
You're way wiser than I am but I guess I'm the eternal optimist.
Thanks so much! Welcome!
@IndigoWrath,
Do you want some candy, little boy?
@rxBambi,
Glad I made ya laugh!I would say he's worth it. :-)
@Kathryn,
I know you're intrigued but a lady will never tell.
I, on the other hand, will send you an email with all the details!
I spy Baby Ruths and Butterfingers! Speaking of sex, that's a porn bowl to me - (although these days I may as well just smear them on my butt).
ReplyDeleteNext thing you know, in an effort to feed your addiction, you'll resort to turning Twix.
ReplyDeleteJeez, I crack myself up.
Candy? Me? Oh my yes, on all counts. Such a tease, she is...
ReplyDeleteright. i'm addicted to things I can't have, don't have or shouldn't have.
ReplyDeleteit really is a sick sick disease.
Wow, you haven't seen him in 5 years? I don't think I could take that. I hope he is worth it!
ReplyDeleteI love Chocolate too! Yummy!
I have something for you at my site so come and see, it will be posted on Thursday!
Love and Blessings,
AngelBaby
Hey Chrissy, Oxy Clean as a brand name is unheard of here, but the stains come out over time anyway :)
ReplyDeleteLooks like you are heading for a shagathon come December.I hope the fellas got a strong heart!
ReplyDelete@Cynica Sarcastamos,
ReplyDeletePorn bowl. I'll have to use that! Smearing it on your butt? Sounds kinky.
@Knucklehead,
LOL! You're crazy.
@Stacie's Madness,
The first step is admitting you have a problem.
@AngelBaby,
Yep, 5 years. Counting the days.
Oh, boy! I'll be right over.
@Cogitator,
They always do...
@Simon,
Shagathon. That's fantastic! Me too, he's a little older than me.
I just bought Sweet Tarts this year...I can only eat so many of them before I get dizzy and my mouth hurts...
ReplyDelete