One Ringy Dingy

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I needed to call Home Depot a few days ago. I reached for the phone to call information and I thought, Why waste the money to call 411 when I can just look it up in a phone book?

I went into the kitchen to get one and I pulled out the first one in a pile of phone books that were in the drawer.

Here we go. White pages in front, yellow in the back. I checked the white pages first. Home Depot.

Guess I'll check the yellow pages in the back.

Hardware Store....nope

Home Improvement....nope

What the heck? What else could it be under?

Paint? nope

Lumber? nope

Okay, I wasn't going to find it there so I pulled out the next phone book.

This one was yellow pages in the front, white in the back.

Again, I checked the white first.


I flipped it shut to check out the title. Maybe I was looking at a residential book. Nope. "Greater Cleveland Business Listings."

I opened it again but this time to the yellow pages in the front.

Hardware store....nope

Home improvement....yes! Home Depot! But there was only one listed and this one was 35 minutes away. My Home Depot is 3 miles up the road.

I flipped it shut again to see if I was looking at a westside book. I live on the eastside. Nope. "Greater-Cleveland-Business-Listings."

Well, it wasn't in there so I pulled out the next book. "Heights area and Surrounding Communities." That's me! I'm Heights Area and Surrounding Communities. Jackpot!

This one was all white pages. Easy enough.

H....Hanson....Herman....Heisley....wait a minute! These were all proper names. I closed the book to check the cover.

"Heights Area and Surrounding Communities
Residential Listings

Son of a bitch!

I threw the phone book on the floor and pulled the next one out, titled "The Real Yellow Pages." Well, it's about damn time.

I was feeling confident so I started with the yellow pages instead of the alphabetical white ones this time. I had luck with Home Improvement before so that was where I began.

H....H-A.....H-E.....H-O....Home Improvement. Home Depot! And there were lots of them.

Mmmmm....not my store....not my store....closer, but no.....nope.....where's that?....nope.

Son of a bitch!

It had to be in there somewhere. These were "The REAL Yellow Pages!"

H.....H-A....Hardware....Home Depot! There were a few more listed so mine must be here.

Mmmmmm....nope, not that still open?.....nope....

Son of a bitch!

I took ALL of the phone books out and threw them on the floor.

I couldn't take it anymore. What happened to TWO phone books? One residential and one business? Why can't I find a goddamn phone number??

I broke down.

"Information? What number, please?"

"Oh God, I can't remember. Let me call you back."


  1. You would think that out of one of those books, you would get the number. Nowadays, I usually check for phone numbers online! Of course if they don't have to somewhere, I wouldn't want you to throw the Maybe just going down there would've been the easier choice.

  2. I got your back. I'm throwing away all 800 pounds of phone books in my house!

  3. I refuse to allow them in- although great for cleaning windows I'm told.

    Since I don't do that either, I just throw them back at the truck.

  4. I remember when I was with my ex and he would take me out shooting (shotgun), we would always try to bring tin cans and phone books. Phone books always look so cool when they "explode" into a million trillion gazillion pieces. And it's so pretty when all those pieces gently float back down.

    I think this would help with your phone book frustration. I highly recommend it.

  5. Hysterical. I love how you're working so hard to remember the alphabet...see? We knew in 1st grade that it would come in handy. The bigger issue is: WHY so many phone books? And WHY no listing for Home Depot? Don't you have a Lowe's? (Not to be confused with Loew's Movie Theatres...Oops. That could be another potential problem....)

  6. 3 miles up the road.... so in the time it took you to find their number, you could almost have walked there and asked it yourself.

    Funny isn't it - the internet's replaced most things, yet we still keep these dumb old heavy paperbacks sitting around.

  7. I use phone books to stand on to get my nice scotch glasses out of the cupboard so I can drink at night when i'm blogging ........hey where's my lap dance my birthday has come and gone lady!!!!!!!

    Love You lots
    still waiting with a five dollar bill in my teeth...oh wait!!!no a 2 dollar american instead with the exchange and all.....lolololllllol.

  8. @Collette, I usually do look up numbers online but I had turned the computer off and it's upstairs and I was downstairs. You know, it was a whole thing. :-)

    @#167 Dad, Why?? Why so many phone books??

    @Zoe Right, I think ours are delivered by senior citizens. Seems cruel to throw a 500 page book at someone's Poppy.

    @Theresa, That's a fabulous idea! Do they really explode like that? How cool. I'm sure there's a YouTube video out there.

  9. @Kathryn, I learned my alphabet alright! Everyone tells me I should go to Lowe's but I don't have one close to me. If I have to take two freeways to get there, it's too far.

    @Matthew, YES. In hindsight, I should have just got in my car and went up the road.

    @jb, Wow, that's a whole new use for them! Must you shove the exchange rate in my face?? Maybe I could incorporate phone books into my routine?

  10. :-)
    That's funny. I just threw (recycled) all my phone books away. I had a stack about the size of yours in my office closet. Maybe a tad larger. I had some that dated back to 1996. Go figure? WHY in God's name wouldn't I throw those away when the new phone book arrived?

    Hope you got your number. Internet baby, just look it up on the internet.

  11. Nancy, I had some old ones, too. I just kept getting them and throwing them in a drawer.

    I know. I learned my lesson.

  12. Oh dear god, Chrissy...can I just tell you how much I HATE using a phone book?

    My reactions ALWAYS end up being like yours.


    I have two in my apartment, and I can't even remember when the last time a used them.

    I'm sorry, but back when I was a kid, phone books were so much more user-friendly. I don't like having to call information, but I find it's worth 75 cents instead of losing my mind.

  13. Very ironic - i just recieved two sets of Yellow Pages books. One large one and one small one i assume for local. I to live 3 miles from a Home Depot (neighbors???)....and i venture to bet it's not in those damn pages. Just goes to show the power of the internet and cell phones.

    You can't break in a baseball glove though with a laptop!

  14. Ron, I agree. I don't remember if being so hard to find a number. And I'm not just confused. I'm not THAT old!

  15. Waltsense, Spooky. Maybe advertisers are banning the yellow/white pages. It is stupid expensive.

    You're right! You cannot break in a baseball glove with a laptop. :-)

  16.'s a pain, I hear ya. I probably just would have googled it. :D

  17. I know, Stacie. I have no choice now. I tossed them all!

  18. Right there with books have turned into a baffling ordeal...


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