And the prize goes to...

Friday, August 14, 2009

I’m sure you’ve probably heard the news by now. Archie is marrying Veronica and kicking Betty to the curb. And it only took him 67 years to make up his mind.

To be honest, I never understood what either one of those hotties saw in that klutzy carrot top.

When I was younger, I used to imagine what it would be like to be a student at Riverdale High. I secretly pined for Reggie Mantle with his slick black hair and good looks. He was dreamy.

I wanted to be beautiful blue-black haired Veronica, asserting my sexual prowess on all the boys as I strutted around in my designer clothing.

That stupid girl next door Betty made me sick. Look at me. I'm so sugary sweet and I can even repair cars. It seemed almost inevitable that Archie would settle down with loyal, practical, tambourine playing Betty but I guess it wasn't meant to be. He proposed to lovely Veronica instead.

But you know what, Betty, don't feel too bad. There really is no "happy ever after."

Archie and Veronica will wed, buy a home and start their life together. Archie will feel emasculated that Veronica's trust fund brings more money to their household than his job so he will take a position with Veronica's father at Lodge Industries.

Archie will start working so much that Veronica begins to feel neglected and can no longer fill that void with shopping. She'll turn to old friend, Chuck Clayton, who is now the art teacher at Riverdale High since he got laid off from his graphic design job.

They get caught having sex in Chuck's classroom after hours by Mr. Svenson, Riverdale High's custodian, who blackmails them and demands $100,000 to keep quiet. "You vill give me za money."

Archie discovers the wire transfer and confronts Veronica. She tells him about Chuck and he agrees to try to salvage things by going to counseling. Veronica thinks it will bring them close again if they have a baby so she gets pregnant.

After the baby is born, Archie is so disgusted by how much weight Veronica has gained that he starts having an affair with Midge, who has divorced Moose.

Midge tells Archie that she wants to try to work it out with Moose now that he's kicked his steroid habit. The next night, Archie is pulled over for speeding and is wearing a cheerleading uniform and a wig.

"Sir, I need to see your license and registration, please. Where were you headed this evening?"

"To see my boyfriend, Jughead."

See, Betty? Dry those tears, girlfriend.


  1. When happy endings get poisoned. Love your work.

  2. Say what you will, Midge was friggin' hot.

  3. Thanks, Matthew. Hey, I'm just throwing in a little food for thought for Betty.

  4. Chris,
    I agree. I would do her.

  5. Dear Veronica....

    OMG...this is brilliant!

    You and I are like two peas in a pod because I too wanted to be Veronica (wearing Chanel) and thought that Reggie was so much more the "muffin" than Archie.

  6. OMG - I would have sworn that Archie was gay and would eventually end up with Jughead.

  7. Totally funny post! I'm still laughing. Veronica rocks. I always wished my parents had named me Veronica. My original name for my blog was Veronica Warning.

    Jughead is gay? That explains sooo much.

  8. Ron,

    OMG! You're so funny! She did have FABULOUS clothes, didn't she?

  9. Travel Girl,

    I think everyone did but poor blind Betty.

  10. Theresa,

    Really? That was the name of your blog? How funny. Yes, it's a cool name.

    I don't know. Maybe Jughead was just bi-curious.

  11. Fantastic post! Yes, I'd heard the news....still quite can't believe it. Engagements get called off all the time, tho...they haven't officially tied the knot yet, have they?
    Honey, you shud've written this comic book...your version is MUCH more interesting. An adult version, perhaps??

  12. Kathryn,
    No, they haven't tied the knot yet and I would guess that they won't, especially after all the uproar. You would think they were Ross and Rachel or something!

  13. Carlos,
    Hey, maybe I'm onto something..

  14. I heard that Veronica could really take a big one... internet rumors...

  15. Organic Meatbag,

    Well,that couldn't be Archie. Hey, just had my mom sign a permission slip for me so I can come and read your blog.

  16. Did you make it over? Or was your hall pass confiscated? Hahahaha!


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