And the prize goes to...

I’m sure you’ve probably heard the news by now. Archie is marrying Veronica and kicking Betty to the curb. And it only took him 67 years to make up his mind.

To be honest, I never understood what either one of those hotties saw in that klutzy carrot top.



When I was younger, I used to imagine what it would be like to be a student at Riverdale High. I secretly pined for Reggie Mantle with his slick black hair and good looks. He was dreamy.



I wanted to be beautiful blue-black haired Veronica, asserting my sexual prowess on all the boys as I strutted around in my designer clothing.



That stupid girl next door Betty made me sick. Look at me. I'm so sugary sweet and I can even repair cars. It seemed almost inevitable that Archie would settle down with loyal, practical, tambourine playing Betty but I guess it wasn't meant to be. He proposed to lovely Veronica instead.

But you know what, Betty, don't feel too bad. There really is no "happy ever after."

Archie and Veronica will wed, buy a home and start their life together. Archie will feel emasculated that Veronica's trust fund brings more money to their household than his job so he will take a position with Veronica's father at Lodge Industries.

Archie will start working so much that Veronica begins to feel neglected and can no longer fill that void with shopping. She'll turn to old friend, Chuck Clayton, who is now the art teacher at Riverdale High since he got laid off from his graphic design job.



They get caught having sex in Chuck's classroom after hours by Mr. Svenson, Riverdale High's custodian, who blackmails them and demands $100,000 to keep quiet. "You vill give me za money."

Archie discovers the wire transfer and confronts Veronica. She tells him about Chuck and he agrees to try to salvage things by going to counseling. Veronica thinks it will bring them close again if they have a baby so she gets pregnant.

After the baby is born, Archie is so disgusted by how much weight Veronica has gained that he starts having an affair with Midge, who has divorced Moose.



Midge tells Archie that she wants to try to work it out with Moose now that he's kicked his steroid habit. The next night, Archie is pulled over for speeding and is wearing a cheerleading uniform and a wig.

"Sir, I need to see your license and registration, please. Where were you headed this evening?"

"To see my boyfriend, Jughead."

See, Betty? Dry those tears, girlfriend.