Do you take this dog...?

I'm off for the next three days and I started making a list today of all the things I need to do around the house.

1. Clean out the garage

2. Clean out the basement

3. Take clothes to the Goodwill

4. Organize linen closet

5. Clean out kitchen cupboards

As you can see, I'm raring to clean out the clutter in my house. I just can't take it anymore. I can't believe how much STUFF I have!

And I don't intend to have a garage sale to get rid of any of it. We all know how those end up. Lots of wasted time and energy to make 50 bucks. I could probably make more money in 30 minutes on my knees at a truck stop. And then I would have the afternoon free to shop.

I decided to start doing an inventory of my kitchen tonight and clutter aside, I've come to a conclusion.

I need to get married.

No..no...not because I'm looking to spend the rest of my life with my one and only.

I just have too much mismatched junk. When I first moved out many moons ago, I got all sorts of furniture, linens, dishes and serveware from well meaning friends and family members. It didn't matter that my burgundy tiled bathroom had turquoise and white striped towels or that my drinking glasses were part of the Cedar Point and Cleveland Indians commemorative collections. The only thing that mattered was that they were all mine.

Since then, my taste has become a little more sophisticated but I'm always jealous when I'm shopping for a wedding gift and perusing the couples' registry. There's so much symmetry and flow to the colors and pieces parts of their future. I would love to have place settings that match when people come over.

Okay, people don't really come over but maybe they would if my shit matched.

So I thought about this. People get married for green cards all the time. Why not do it to get cool stuff for your house?

But who to marry? Manly man? Hmmm...he's already married. There really isn't anyone that I would want to be fake married to right now.

Oh, wait, except for Bernie. Now there might be some ramifications because Ohio doesn't allow gay marriages. Oh and they probably don't allow you to marry your dog, either, even though lots of people marry bitches.

I read about a woman in Ghana who married her dog. Literally. She decided that she was tired of all the "skirt chasers and cheaters". The whole thing was a little disturbing and made me decide that it might just be way too weird.

So Bernie and I have decided to have a commitment ceremony instead. We invite you to visit our registry.

**Attention all you with daughters. THIS is what happens when your daughter isn't married by 30.