Did I hear a bell??

Friday, August 7, 2009

I went vegan for a few months and even though I found it much easier to follow than I had anticipated, I was bored. There weren't many sources of protein other than beans and I inadvertently almost committed suicide by inhaling the noxious fumes that came out of my ass on a daily basis.

So I started eating fish and chicken a few weeks ago. Oh, and ice cream. Lots of ice cream. Needless to say, I've gained a little weight back but I've hesitated to introduce meat back into my diet. Until today, that is.

I've had a very productive 3 days off and since I'm tired of eating a pint of ice cream every night for dinner, I decided to treat myself to a steak.

A few years ago, I met this really great guy that I dated for about 4 months. We'll call him Sparky, since he was an electrician. Sparky and I didn't have a lot in common. He was into NASCAR, sports, working out and tanning, none of which I had any interest in. But we had fun together and there was a very strong physical attraction.

Eventually, we admitted that what we had would never turn into anything more so we decided to become "friends with benefits".

The code phrase was "Are you in the mood for Outback tonight?"

We would go have a nice, thick steak and then come home for a little boom-boom. I was like Pavlov's dog everytime I saw an Outback commercial or heard someone say G'day.

I haven't seen Sparky in about 6 months and I actually got a little nostalgic at the butcher counter today at the thought of eating steak without him.

Can I just tell you, eating that steak was like a religious experience for me? I had forgotten how much I missed it and how good it could be. I even got a little "tingly tingly" down there.

That got me thinking that maybe I was worshipping the wrong meat all that time. Maybe I was actually turned on by the beef and not Sparky?

I wonder if it's legal to marry a cow?

If so, I'll have to add this to the registry.


  1. OMG, girl...you make me LAUGH!!!

    Loved the cow photo!

    So glad you enjoyed your BEEF.

    I'll tell ya, I'm not a huge meat eater myself, but when I do eat it I crave a burger. A nice juicy, BIG burger. And it's just as you said, it's like a religious experience. I sit there with my eyes closed and can't even speak, except for little audible moans.


  2. Ron, Don't you love it when you find that just right photo? I love a good burger, too, but I can't eat the bun so it's not as much fun.

    I think that's what I sounded like, too.

  3. STOP! It is WAY too early in the morning for me to be laughing this hard....(I also think I peed just a little) and there's probably some cow down the lane cringing 'cause somehow she knows the joke's on her.
    This. Was. Hilarious.
    Loved, loved, loved it. Your code phrase for hoochie-koochie? Classic. I'll never hear it again w/o thinking of you.....and Sparky, of course.

  4. I actually laughed out loud with your first paragraph. Fart jokes. They get me every time. I'm a simple man.

  5. Hahahaha!! Too funny!! Coffee almost came out of my nose!!

    I dont know about the steak thing, since I havent had red meat since I was 10 years old. I do kind of wonder what eating a steak would be like but I never crave it or anything. Guess I should post my story about why I am meat free. People would probably get a kick outta that one.

    Enjoy your BEEF!!!!

  6. Steak makes me tingly down there and it has nothing to do with sex.

  7. I'm glad to hear you've given up on the vile weed, and have gone back to meat.

  8. "...thick steak and then come home for a little boom boom." You're hilarious!

    When you wanted to marry the dog, I was very supportive and actually thought it wasn't such a bad idea. But a cow? They kinda stink and they chew their own cud and they just stand their doing nothing except staring at you with this dumb expression on their face. Crap, I just described a typical male. What the hell, marry the cow...meat is meat.

  9. @Kathryn, I'm so touched that I made you pee. THANK you.

    @Carlos, I always keep my demographic in mind.

    @JW.BW., Yes, do tell! Sorry about your coffee.

    @Yellow Trash, Somehow this doesn't surprise me.

  10. @Judge, I was thinking it would be in moderation only but I may need to rethink that.

    @Theresa, You're too funny! We should just put bells around guys necks, too, so we can always find them. You know, in case they wander away from the couch or the toilet.

  11. Cows are revered animals in India. They are allowed to roam the streets freely. I don't know if you can marry them, though. lol.
    A bell for men is a great idea! That way I will know when mine is sneaking over to bother me & I can run & hide! hee hee Some of us wish we didn't have them to bother us & some wish they did. Life just isn't fair, is it? Don't get me wrong, I love my dh to pieces, but we've been together almost 17 years, so...In any case, a mechanical friend is always a good thing...lol

  12. You make me laugh so much!! Thanks for the kackles!!

  13. G'day Chrissy!
    """"sound of bell ringing"""""

  14. Man, even in the pretend world, hearing you say "baby" sounds good!

  15. I feel like Pavlov's dog.
    Cue the heavy panting!

  16. Being a meat cutter by trade I understand the steak thing. The bean thing almost make me piss my pants

  17. @Tee,
    Thank you. The meat thing is so misunderstood.

    The bean thing is only funny in retrospect.


C'mon, you know you want to say it..

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