Do you take this dog...?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


I'm off for the next three days and I started making a list today of all the things I need to do around the house.

1. Clean out the garage

2. Clean out the basement

3. Take clothes to the Goodwill

4. Organize linen closet

5. Clean out kitchen cupboards

As you can see, I'm raring to clean out the clutter in my house. I just can't take it anymore. I can't believe how much STUFF I have!

And I don't intend to have a garage sale to get rid of any of it. We all know how those end up. Lots of wasted time and energy to make 50 bucks. I could probably make more money in 30 minutes on my knees at a truck stop. And then I would have the afternoon free to shop.

I decided to start doing an inventory of my kitchen tonight and clutter aside, I've come to a conclusion.

I need to get married.

No..no...not because I'm looking to spend the rest of my life with my one and only.

I just have too much mismatched junk. When I first moved out many moons ago, I got all sorts of furniture, linens, dishes and serveware from well meaning friends and family members. It didn't matter that my burgundy tiled bathroom had turquoise and white striped towels or that my drinking glasses were part of the Cedar Point and Cleveland Indians commemorative collections. The only thing that mattered was that they were all mine.

Since then, my taste has become a little more sophisticated but I'm always jealous when I'm shopping for a wedding gift and perusing the couples' registry. There's so much symmetry and flow to the colors and pieces parts of their future. I would love to have place settings that match when people come over.

Okay, people don't really come over but maybe they would if my shit matched.

So I thought about this. People get married for green cards all the time. Why not do it to get cool stuff for your house?

But who to marry? Manly man? Hmmm...he's already married. There really isn't anyone that I would want to be fake married to right now.

Oh, wait, except for Bernie. Now there might be some ramifications because Ohio doesn't allow gay marriages. Oh and they probably don't allow you to marry your dog, either, even though lots of people marry bitches.

I read about a woman in Ghana who married her dog. Literally. She decided that she was tired of all the "skirt chasers and cheaters". The whole thing was a little disturbing and made me decide that it might just be way too weird.

So Bernie and I have decided to have a commitment ceremony instead. We invite you to visit our registry.

**Attention all you with daughters. THIS is what happens when your daughter isn't married by 30.

41 comments

  1. I am so with you!!! I would be perfectly willing to have a ceremony just for the swag- fake or not- bring it on.

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  2. You can put me down for the crock pot. The ONLY thing bad about the "dog" husband would the consumation. Other than that, I'm down with it.

    Oh...by the way, you'd make waay more than $50.

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  3. I suspect I've been married for WAY TOO LONG and things have come full circle since my stuff matched at one time, but doesn't any longer, we used to have dinner guests, but don't any longer...god, my life sucks...

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  4. You don't have to marry. Just find a cool guy who gets you who has major swag.

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  5. Hmmm, marrying a dog ... There are sooo many things wrong with that!! ;0)

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  6. Zoe, Thank you....

    I knew it wasn't just me. It's not like I'm going on welfare or anything. My friends can afford the gifts.

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  7. Theresa, Ewwwwwwww! I was waiting to see when someone mentioned that. I actually thought the first one would be Chris.

    Hey, there are lots of sexless marriages. We wouldn't even have to get to that point.

    And thanks for the confidence in my truck stop abilities.

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  8. Travel Girl, Maybe you guys should just get divorced and remarried.

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  9. Peach Tart...Peach Tart...if I could find said man, I wouldn't be having this discussion. It's not like I love in a top city for singles or anything. Oh wait...

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  10. Eternally Distracted, So wrong and yet, so right..

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  11. Bernie is one lucky dog....Sounds like a perfect arrangement. I love the fact that you have a registry set up.

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  12. Chrissy, LOL - believe me matching stuff and dinner parties are not worth getting married again! I just need a sugar daddy on the side.

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  13. Oh, and super BONUS!! Its not like your dog comes with tons of baggage like ALL men over 25. You wont have to worry about his stupid ex leeching off of you for all of eternity and turning his children against you. Sounds like a great plan... Wish I would have thought of it!!

    JW

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  14. Listen....I'd marry Bern in a heartbeat!

    She's cuter than any dog I've ever dated.

    I wonder if it's legal to marry a gay man and female dog?

    *I need to google that.

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  15. I love that the beagle wall art made it on to the registry.

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  16. I love it! It would be interesting to see if people actually bought the stuff on the registry, especially that piece of wall art masterpiece.

    Chrissy, speaking from a formerly married woman, the stuff is nice, space is nicer. I still have old glasses from my parent's old circa-70s bar. A sugar daddy... now we're talkin'

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  17. Chrissy, and Theresa for that matter, the concept of bumping uglies with a canine would never have even occurred to me. I'm aghast that you would even imply such a thing. Geez, humping a dog.

    Parrots are another matter entirely, though.

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  18. KC, Well the commitment ceremony isn't until October so we'll see...

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  19. Travel Girl, You know,they have websites for those sorts of things.

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  20. JW.BW, Is there something you need to get off your chest? :-)

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  21. Ron, So what did the Google search reveal? You have to let me throw the bachelor party!

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  22. @Kim, I know! How funny that they even have "beagle art".

    @Scribe, There's 2 months till the ceremony, so who knows. I don't need a LOT of stuff just things that don't embarass me.

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  23. Chris, Oh, please. You're just defensive because we're onto you.

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  24. I married a dog. And consumated it. Even have a daughter to prove it!
    Unfortunately the dog I married wasn't canine...so the love wasn't unconditional.
    :-)

    Can I come to the ceremony? Oh, and yeah. $50. C'mon...humble aren't you. You'd make so much you could buy us matching Gucci.
    Love ya'

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  25. I love it! wonderful, marrying a dog..

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  26. Me and my two dogs are in a poliamist marriage. It's been good, all is working out...I have enough love for both. They are my world...I'm not ashamed.

    How is Bernie?

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  27. Is it weird that I totally want those flower arrangements?

    If marriage is a bit too much just to get matching stuff, you could always move and have a "house-warming" party. That would also help you get rid of all the clutter-nothing like moving to help you decide what's worth keeping. :)

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  28. Oh my God, Chrissy. You've given a whole new meaning to "working with what you've got". The unconditional love...the small smiles as passersby think "What an adorable couple they make!"...the fact that neither of you will ever leave the commode seat raised. It's heaven, I tell ya. Don't forget to add "hers" and "hers" towels to the list, if it's not already there.
    Wonderful, hysterical post!

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  29. I've been married almost 30 years, I have my dog trained, he's pretty loyal. I didn't have a wedding, so no registry and nothing matching then, or today. If my stuff has to match to have people visit me then I guess no one will ever visit....oh well! Guess that means I don't have to clean house!

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  30. Nancy, Ha! You DID marry a dog. But who knew? Of course you can come! Who do you think will be doing the flowers??

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  31. @humorplus, Don't you wonder why everyone isn't doing it?

    @Funny Girl, that's hysterical! Damn right, girl, no shame!

    Bernie's doing so much better on her meds! We'll go back next month for more tests. Thanks for thinking of her. :-)

    @Bran da Flake, Aren't they adorable?? Moving would be a great idea if I thought my house would actually sell. Damn housing market!

    @True Religion, Thanks. :-)

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  32. @Kathryn, I totally forgot about the Hers and Hers towels! Good call.

    @KrisGC, Well, you have kids so you have no choice on whether people come over, my dear!

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  33. Funny post. I'll have to Google the marrying you dog story you reference--or perhaps I can wait until she signs a reality television contract.

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  34. Marvellous. Thank god a certain somebody overlooked your birthday or else I may never have found my way here.

    Garage sales, marrying dogs and grazed knees at truckstops - it's what Desperate Housewives should have been....

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  35. I guess when you fight the phrase "he's in the dog house" would actually be true.

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  36. @Slamdunk, She's from Ghana so I'm not sure they have realities shows there yet. I think the honeymoom video is going to be on pay per view.

    @Matthew, Glad you found me! Hope you have as much fun reading it as I have living it.

    @Stereos and Souffles, Isn't that the truth?!:-)

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  37. Do you know Bed Bath and Beyond JUST stopped calling me last month to offer me a discount on all the items that weren't purchased for us as gifts?

    It didn't work out BB&B. Leave us alone! Or offer us a better discount than 10%.

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  38. Wouldn't it be fabulous on the cover of Bride's magazine?

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