Boob Envy

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I had the dubious distinction of being the tallest student in my 5th grade glass at 5 feet 9 inches tall. Needless to say, I was what they call "an early bloomer". While all the other little girls were ruminating over their latest Barbie, I was arguing with my mother over whether to use the sticky sanitary napkins or the belted ones at "that time of the month".

Since I was the first girl in my gaggle of friends to become a young woman, I took solace in the fact that I would have boobies before them. My sister, two years older than me, already had enviable buzooms. And my mother, in her all Double D glory was anxious to take her little girl shopping for her first bra.

I pictured spectacled Audrey, who had a penchant for singing "Zippity Doo Da", looking at me in all her four-eyed envy. And cute little Jennifer who would suddenly wonder why all the boys wanted to push me on the swings instead of her. Oh, the power I would yield at Anderson School!

Yeah, well, that didn't happen. By some cruel twist of fate, I inherited my father's boobs instead of my mother's. I waited patiently, year and year, hoping that my breasts would catch up to the progress my legs and increasingly widening ass had made.

My sister loved to give me birthday cards every year that mocked my barely A cup. Most despised was the card with a picture of a roll of toilet paper on it and this nasty little taunt on the front, "Why don't you rub this on your chest so it will grow?"

Couldn't wait for the punch line when I opened it, "It seems to have worked on your butt!"

And so, my boob envy was born. Over the years, I resigned myself to sneaking peeks at the girls spilling out of their tank tops or teeny bikinis. I never chastised a boyfriend for staring as long as he pointed them out to me. Do I have latent homosexual tendencies? Maybe. You be the judge.

I'm happy to report that I no longer need to ogle girls with enviable ta-tas because I'm now a member of the inner circle.

I've gained about 25 pounds in the last 10 years and it seems like 20 of them have shown up above my waist. You won't hear me complaining, though. I find every opportunity to walk past construction sites so the girls can jiggle and say hello to the workers. Of course, I feign disgust when they hoot and holler because what kind of girl will they think I am if I don't?

If I'm talking to a man and I notice him furtively glance down at the girls, it takes every ounce of me to not say, "Aren't they magnificent? Do you want to touch them? It's okay."

Yes, my boob envy years are over. What a great feeling to put this chapter behind me.

Speaking of behinds, walking in front of me this morning was this girl with the most exquisite ass.....


  1. Cool post! I kinda loved it, even though my story was the opposite-- developed young, and was the object of a lot of premature attention I was unprepared for! Not to mention the school bus gropers, etc., etc. Oh. I shouldn't have mentioned that... Still, I guess everyone hated some aspects of their adolescence.

  2. HA! I'll bet you were one of those coltish girls...with the legs a mile long? I'm glad "the girls" have caught up with the rest of you to your satisfaction...and I'll bet your sister's are hanging a LOT lower than yours now!!

  3. @Leah,
    Thanks! I would have killed for school bus gropers. I guess the grass is always greener.

    Yep. 34" inseam here. And yes, my sister even commented on how perky the girls are. :-)

  4. I knew that was you behind me!

  5. I love this. I've always been a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I haven't yet grown out of my boob envy though =(. Good for you though!

  6. Then again, those with smaller chests won't have their tits hanging down to their knees in their later years. See, God evens it out.

  7. OMG haha! You have this 'in your face' sense of humour which is rib tickling!

    Keep writing :D

  8. Great posting, fantastic tits.

    Not often I get to combine those two in a single comment.

  9. It has always been tough to convince a woman that it is the total package that attracts a man to a woman. No matter how she looks, one must hear her laugh and talk before one can know that he likes her. my thoughts on that, maybe mine alone.

  10. This is cool. Haha. When I was younger, I always envy girls with big boobs, well, until now I guess. LOL. But I already know how to be contented on what God has given me.

    Feel free to visit my blog, I am just starting. Thanks...

  11. Love it!

    I too had boob envy until a few years ago. Mine developed by the same phenomena - weight gain. As a child I tried to form the Itty Bitty Titty Club, but none of my friends wanted to be affiliated. That was also my choice for a URL, but sadly it was taken.

  12. I've always had big bosoms. I have to say I didn't appreciate them when I was young, I was shy, but I love 'em now!

  13. I know what you mean, Chrissy...

    Except..I've alway wish for a smaller penis!


    GRRRREAT post, girl!


  14. Mine have never been huge, but have gotten bigger with weight gain. Just make sure not to lose too much weight because THAT is where I lose my weught 1st! I started growing in 3rd grade. Totally sucked. Me & 1 other girl would walk with shoulders hinched so no one would pick on us, but it didn't matter.
    And, yes, they do tend to sag when you get older & they are a healthy size...sigh.

  15. My Double D girls have A-cup envy. It ain't easy on either end of the covet. And I LOVED the birthday card from your sister. Sinkin' Heeelarious.

  16. I like you suffer from boobenvy, although I am still waiting for mine to grow. I think it should be soon I'm now 31 and I think by 32 they should be here! I'm hoping anyways! Thanks for making me laugh today, I needed to.

  17. "Aren't they magnificent? Do you want to touch them? It's okay." - LOL! Nice post, great blog.

  18. @f8hasit,
    Yes! I thought that was you...

    @Willow Marie,
    I'm sure that if I ever lose the weight, I'll regress back.

    VERY good point!


    Not often I GET a comment like this. :-)

  19. @R Jacob,
    You're rare amongst your gender. :-)

    Ditto back at ya!

    @i N a,
    Good for you being contended. I'll come and check out your blog!

    @Travel Girl,
    Really? Is that URL taken? You know I have to go check it out now..


  20. @Akelamalu,
    Good for you! I'm jealous...

    LOL! Yes, that's the talk on the street.

    Not likely I'll lose THAT much. They never used to grow when I gained weight. Are you tall?

    @Wine and Words,
    I see the toilet paper worked for you, then?

    First of all, love the name! That's funny, I used to say that well into my 30's, too. Hey, it might happen!

    Thanks! ;-)

  21. Very funny! If I see you on the street, I promise to stare.



  22. "By some cruel twist of fate, I inherited my father's boobs instead of my mother's"

    That was definitely my favorite line. Hilarious!

    Well i was blessed with a nice-sized chest(according to my peers), but id rather them be smaller! I guess people always want what theyre not born with eh?!

  23. @Chelsea,
    Glad you're amused by my misfortune. :-)

    Isn't that the truth? The grass is always greener.

  24. Self image is bizarre.

    I was painfully shy when I was younger. Highlights included National Health specs (I have no idea what the American equivalent would be - think Buddy Holly but thinner frames and 0oz coolness) and a mother who handmade clothes (Denim trousers do NOT equal Jeans). Still, I wasn't bad looking, if I say so myself. But I hated how when I bent over to touch my toes I used to get this little crease at the waist (I was about 147 lbs and 6'). Now I'm about 230 lbs, bald (as I cut off anything white), wrinkly and quite at ease with myself. I even think I'm good looking, without any caveats about it having to be poor light with me smiling and the women being desperate.

    Why didn't I feel like this when I knew what my toes looked like first hand? (Vile, with a very long and crooked 2nd toes and nails like talons, in case you were wondering)

  25. Youth is wasted on the young. Think of what we could have accomplished with this confidence when we were young. If, of course, your mother bought you real jeans.

  26. I just found your blog, and I love your sense of humor. My prayers go out to your father.Hang in there and I will look forward to reading more from you.

  27. @Michael Schwehr,
    Hi there! Thanks for the kind words. Welcome! :-)

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