I'm normal. Sort of...

Monday, January 11, 2010

I know it's all been fun and games up until now but it's time to get serious. You remember how I went to the doctor last month and how I was diagnosed
with F-A-T
, right? Well, I had my follow up appointment this week and I was braced for what other news she was going to give me.

The nurse called to me in the waiting room.

"Chrissy Starr?"

I gathered my purse and walked toward the door.

"Hi Chrissy, how are you today?"

"The doctor diagnosed me with F-A-T, how do you think I am?"

"Okay....let's step on the scale and see what you weigh."

This is normally where I would decline and say, Just write down what I was the last time, but I have to admit, I was curious.

I put my purse on the chair next to the scale.

I removed my coat.

And my scarf.

And my shoes.

And my suit jacket.

And my necklace.

And my watch.

And my earrings.

I even spit out my gum.

One hundred@#%$!


I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It must be a mistake. I can't weigh that much! I tried bouncing on the scale to get another reading but it was no use. It was digital.

I hung my head and put on my earrings.

And my watch.

And my necklace.

And my suit jacket.

And my shoes.

And my scarf.

And picked up my coat and purse and headed to the exam room to wait for Dr. Banes.

"Hello, Chrissy, how are you?", Dr. Banes walked in.

"I'm great! How are you?", I feigned a happy response, hoping that would distract her from looking at the weight the nurse had written on my chart.

It was no use. She looked at my chart, looked and me and looked at the chart again.

"Well, it doesn't look like you've lost any weight from the last time you were in. I'm a little concerned. Please take a look at this". She handed me a weight chart.

I looked across for my age and then down for my height. There was a breakdown of three columns, small, medium and large frame.

There I am. What's the problem? I'm within the range.

Oh, wait. I am in the range but not for a medium framed, 5'9, 43 year old woman.

I'm in the range for a large framed, 43 year old man.

Who is 2 inches taller than me.

Son of a bitch!

"Maybe you could join Nutri System or Jenny Craig or something like that?", Dr. Banes suggested as she handed me a diet and exercise worksheet.

I smiled and nodded in agreement knowing there was no way in hell I was going to join. Let me remind you, I used to work for Jenny Craig. I would need to take out a home equity loan to be able to afford the food.

God bless, Dr. Banes. I know she means well but I don't need a diet and exercise handout or a food program. What I need is a psychiatrist.

And I don't mean one of those pretend psychologists like Dr. Frasier Crane. I mean, a psychiatrist, like Carl Jung, who said, "It is often tragic to see how blatantly a man bungles his own life and the lives of others yet remains totally incapable of seeing how much the whole tragedy originates in himself, and how he continually feeds it and keeps it going."

YES! Get me an appointment with that guy!

He looks so pleasant, doesn't he?

What? Oh. He died in 1961?

Crap! NOW what am I supposed to do?

Does anyone have a cookie?


  1. I feel your pain. Let's have some chocolate.


  2. I wonder what I am supposed to weigh? Ah, never mind those charts. The guy at the market who thinks you're super hot is the only reliable weight/height guage. Go see him, you will feel better.

  3. PS: If I were allowed to get on the doctor's scale nude, I would. :)

  4. Hey Chrissie, go easy on yourself. I read somewhere that if you overeat by a carrot a day you end up as 15 stone (210 pounds, 95 kilos) overweight by the age of 50. Or something.

    What's worse, we're programmed to overeat. So go for the excercise, make yourself sweat once every day for at least 25 minutes. You don't have to tell us how you're doing it :)

    And cut down on the food a little bit. And let it happen slowly slowly.

  5. You forgot to cut your nails. Nails are heavy

  6. Especially the toenails!
    Why can't they just leave us fluffy, broke people alone? Normal people can't afford Jillian Michaels or Marie Osmond's Nutratrim. It's too bad junk food can be cheaper & easier to eat. And, yes, as we get older, our bodies do not want to move as much. UGH!

  7. and yet you have a nutrisystem ad on your web site! I smell a conspiracy. I am calling Bernie. I will have my beagle talk to your beagle and find out the real story.

  8. What Nazi invented those fucking body weight charts anyway? I say eat a cookie and forget about it!

  9. I look at it this way, Chrissy. You are one to break boundaries. Good for you. Now find some other ones and break THEM, too! You are a great writer, by the way. EFH

  10. Oh, this was hilarious...and a little too true, for my taste.

    I almost choked when you said you spit out your gum!

    I toyed with the idea of getting the Wii fit, but heard it insults you every chance it gets and makes you feel even more insecure.

    I thought about joining a gym, but I know in my heart I'll be one of those people who never goes.

    I even thought about eating Special K for 3 meals a day to see if I can lose that 6lbs in 2 weeks they advertise...but we know how truthful advertising is.

    Let me know what we're gonna do. Meanwhile, hand me that donut.

  11. Ever since I came down with the F-A-T my friends have been reluctant to have too much physical contact with me. They don't say it, but I know they're scared they'll catch it too. That's how these epidemics get started, you know.

  12. Yeah I cracked up too! That part about which weight chart you match up too. Did you kindly remind your doctor that muscle weighs 6 times more than fat and how NO chart takes THAT into consideration? I too am going through the whole physical tests and stuff, I just scored some Thyroid hormone pills. Since low thyroid activity causes weight gain, I am hoping the cure will cause weight loss. I'll hook you up! Since I started that treatment my plan is to go on an all cookie / bacon diet. I even googled bacon perfume this morning!

  13. But it's winter! The extra layers are supposed to keep us warm, aren't they?? My favorite weight-loss story is by a hilarious and talented author, Jen Lancaster. "Such a Pretty Fat" is the third in her series of memoirs. Hysterical, true, and inspiring. Even if one never gets on one's treadmill :)

  14. Hey listen, I supposedly don't match my height/weight either. However, for me it's the opposite. I should weight MORE. I know this may sound strange, but people are always telling, "You're so skinny. You should gain some weight."

    Personally, I stopped reading that comparison chart because I think people's bodies are all different.

    You're perfect, Chrissy!

  15. Great post, this made me giggle. I feel your pain though. I'm trying to lose a bit of weight at the moment and eating soup and salads is so BORING!


  16. Died in 1961. Not a problem. Most psychiatrists are more useful listening to issues after they've died. Get a spade and dig the man up.

  17. I found you through your f8hasit buddy and my good friend Toni (Sweet Tea No Lemon) who insists that I MUST read your blog, "it is hysterical" I'm told. Well, Toni is dead on--you're a great writer with a great take on things we all go through!

    As far as the F-A-T thing, I feel like I had my years of being in shape 20 years ago--I'd rather be comfortable now. And comfortable is what I am. And a bit fluffy...

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Your blog is wonderful just as I was promised.

  18. If I knew how long I was gonna live I would eat 7 meals a day, but I don't know, so I need to watch my ass, everyone else is! It's so unfair.


  19. Whatever you do, do NOT get WiiFit. That animated trainer is the devil. Everyday she tells me I weigh more than yesterday, basically implying I'm never going to reach my goal of getting laid again, in this lifetime. I hate her. Going for ice cream now.

  20. your posts are funny ;p i'm using a nikon D90. licks and sniffs to Bernie :)

  21. F--- Jenny Craig! I think you are beautiful just the way you are. I have double butt cheeks, a muffin top, small boobs, fat knees, and weird ankles...my husband calls me beautiful...and I choose to believe that he means it, no matter the drugs he is on :) I vote you eat something very delicious and unhealthy all while holding your middle finger in the air!

  22. Don't sweat it big fella. There's a series of books by a guy named Michael Pollan about eating real food and not "edible food-like substances." Highly recommend him.

  23. love this. i can SO relate. i had a baby in july, and i weigh less than when i got pregnant, and STILL not happy. i'm not obese, just not what i want to be, guess it's always that way. grrr.

  24. I just stumbled upon your blog recently and I keep coming back for more. You are a wonderful writer.

  25. Hilarious! Great post..

    I say screw the world.. I mean until God makes a weight-limit to get into Heaven, I will eat as much as I please.. Ya feel me?! Nothing wrong with a little meat on your bones Lol.


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