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"DO YOU TAKE THIS DOG...?"
Original Post Date, August 5, 2009
I'm off for the next three days and I started making a list today of all the things I need to do around the house.
1. Clean out the garage
2. Clean out the basement
3. Take clothes to the Goodwill
4. Organize linen closet
5. Clean out kitchen cupboards
As you can see, I'm raring to clean out the clutter in my house. I just can't take it anymore. I can't believe how much STUFF I have!
And I don't intend to have a garage sale to get rid of any of it. We all know how those end up. Lots of wasted time and energy to make 50 bucks. I could probably make more money in 30 minutes on my knees at a truck stop. And then I would have the afternoon free to shop.
I decided to start doing an inventory of my kitchen tonight and clutter aside, I've come to a conclusion.
I need to get married.
No..no...not because I'm looking to spend the rest of my life with my one and only.
I just have too much mismatched junk. When I first moved out many moons ago, I got all sorts of furniture, linens, dishes and serveware from well meaning friends and family members. It didn't matter that my burgundy tiled bathroom had turquoise and white striped towels or that my drinking glasses were part of the Cedar Point and Cleveland Indians commemorative collections. The only thing that mattered was that they were all mine.
Since then, my taste has become a little more sophisticated and I'm always jealous when I'm shopping for a wedding gift and perusing the couples' registry. There's so much symmetry and flow to the colors and pieces parts of their future. I would love to have place settings that match when people come over.
Okay, people don't really come over but maybe they would if my shit matched.
So I thought about this. People get married for green cards all the time. Why not do it to get cool stuff for your house?
But who to marry? Manly man? Hmmm...he's already married. There really isn't anyone that I would want to be fake married to right now.
Oh, wait, except for Bernie. Now there might be some ramifications because Ohio doesn't allow gay marriages. Oh and they probably don't allow you to marry your dog, either, even though lots of people marry bitches.
I read about a woman in Ghana who married her dog. Literally. She decided that she was tired of all the "skirt chasers and cheaters". The whole thing was a little disturbing and made me decide that it might just be way too weird.
So Bernie and I have decided to have a commitment ceremony instead. We invite you to visit our registry.
**Attention parents. THIS is what happens when your daughter isn't married by 30.
I lived alone for years, then married a woman who had done the same. Guess what, we had three or four of everything. Mine, hers, one the wedding guests bought, one that one or other of us had in a cupboard for years because it was a Christmas gift...
ReplyDeleteThen it all broke and we bought stuff that didn't match.
Hmm.
OMG, you make me laugh!! I think a commitment ceremony is DEFINITELY the way to go!!
ReplyDeleteAlso, all that cleaning and organizing! You're making the rest of us feel like lazy slugs!
All men are hounds anyway!
ReplyDeleteSecretia
ur hilarious but i dnt necessarily agree with your opinions
ReplyDeleteanyway here is my blog check it out and follow if u like http://mo2thehammed.blogspot.com/
I keep postponing clearing out all the stuff I have that I no longer wear/use.... Maybe tomorrow....
ReplyDeletexx
My sister didn't get married until her late fifties and a full life on her own. Her husband is a widower. They had two full households to combine. I think their basement is still full of stuff they haven't sorted yet.
ReplyDeleteI heard a joke that was set at a Cleveland Indians game.
There was a small group of nuns at a game. They wore the old fashioned habits that included the wimple and veil that stood rather high on their heads.
The men behind them were annoyed having their view of the game impaired. One of the men said rather loudly, I'm moving to Idaho, there aren't very many nuns there. Another man said, I'm going to Las Vegas, there aren't many nuns there. The third man said something similar.
The old mother superior turned around to face the men. "Why don't you go to hell? There are no nuns there."
@idifficult,
ReplyDeleteDid it all break from you guys throwing it at each other? :-)
@Anything fits a naked man,
Don't feel bad. I wrote this last August. My house is a mess again.
@Secretia,
AMEN!
@Mo to the Hammed,
Thanks for stopping by. Even if you don't agree. :-)
@Anna,
Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
@Gregory J,
Yep! That sounds like a Cleveland nun. :-)
That's a good idea!!
ReplyDelete