I'm a prisoner of love

I'm what you call, "unlucky in love". I haven’t really had a serious relationship in a few years and my attempt to rekindle an old flame at Christmas time fizzled. He ran away like John Edwards did from claiming Rielle Hunter’s baby and I was left scratching my head, wondering what happened.

They say you attract what you "put out to the universe". Admittedly, I have huge commitment issues that likely stem from my fear of abandonment. At least, that's what my inner child told me. That would explain why I only attract men who have the same issues but manage to beat me to the punch with goodbye.

I've tried internet dating sites, friends of friends, church, the market, hardware stores and classes. I don't have to tell you how those have panned out. However, I have some good news.

I met someone!

I really think I've found my soulmate. He's very attentive, always there when I call, would never cheat on me with another woman and works out at least an hour a day to stay in shape for me. Now, he has made some really bad choices in the past, but who hasn't? He's recently found God and our faith has brought us even closer together.

His name is Rocco but he also goes by Federal inmate H-548744415.

He's currently serving a life sentence for multiple offenses so I don't have to worry about us breaking up when he gets out. He ain't goin' anywhere.

And he'll never cheat on me. Well, not with another woman at least. Federal prisons don't allow conjugal visits but that's okay. He talks dirty to me on the phone, telling me all the things that he wants to do to me and when I get off the phone, I just do them to myself. I don't have to inhale that after sex cigarette smoke or bother with cuddling.

He never complains about my cooking, big booty or Toddlers & Tiaras addiction. He's just about perfect in every way.

And isn't he dreamy??