They say you attract what you "put out to the universe". Admittedly, I have huge commitment issues that likely stem from my fear of abandonment. At least, that's what my inner child told me. That would explain why I only attract men who have the same issues but manage to beat me to the punch with goodbye.
I've tried internet dating sites, friends of friends, church, the market, hardware stores and classes. I don't have to tell you how those have panned out. However, I have some good news.
I met someone!
I really think I've found my soulmate. He's very attentive, always there when I call, would never cheat on me with another woman and works out at least an hour a day to stay in shape for me. Now, he has made some really bad choices in the past, but who hasn't? He's recently found God and our faith has brought us even closer together.
His name is Rocco but he also goes by Federal inmate H-548744415.
He's currently serving a life sentence for multiple offenses so I don't have to worry about us breaking up when he gets out. He ain't goin' anywhere.
And he'll never cheat on me. Well, not with another woman at least. Federal prisons don't allow conjugal visits but that's okay. He talks dirty to me on the phone, telling me all the things that he wants to do to me and when I get off the phone, I just do them to myself. I don't have to inhale that after sex cigarette smoke or bother with cuddling.
He never complains about my cooking, big booty or Toddlers & Tiaras addiction. He's just about perfect in every way.
And isn't he dreamy??
Uhhhhhh..... What can I say?? I'm happy for ya?Happy for Him? Come on now, come to your senses, He's wearing orange. Couldn't find a nice con in those black and white stipes? He prolly does have time to write some really nice letters. Now if you can just set Bernie up with a friend at the pound ya'll can double date on the phone.
ReplyDeleteThis post was laugh out loud funny.
ReplyDeleteyou had me going there for the first few paragraphs...
ReplyDeleteLMAO
Has he got a cellmate for me? Come on, hook a sister up.
ReplyDeleteHey Chrissy! Mmmm, he's a keeper. In fact, he's already being kept! Bon chance with yer nouveau beau, babe! Indigo
ReplyDeleteBwhahahahahahahhahaha!
ReplyDeleteBwhahahahahahahahahah!
Bwhahahahahahahahahha!
I know I've shared this with you againa and again for the past year, but you KILL ME!!!
You're sense of humor is truly BRILLIANT!
I could not stop laughing at this.
And listen, congrats on finding Rocco. He sounds like a dream boat! Can you give him my email? Maybe we could share.
HAHAHHAAHHAHAHA!
X
OHMYGOD. Chrissy! You are SO BAD!!! He sounds *almost* perfect! But, I gotta tell ya...even his HANDS look kind of scary to me!!
ReplyDeleteCould you look into someone at a nice minimum-security facility as kind of a back-up??
That would be nice...
Oh Chrissy
ReplyDeleteI think you have lost it.......and found it......and lost it...oh never mind!
lmao, good luck with that. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou gotta take love where you find it, and who knows, maybe on your monthly visits you'll meet a nice guard to keep you company until Rocco is released. We all know he is innocent! You kill me lady, keep 'em coming!
ReplyDeleteMight say you have a "captive" audience.
ReplyDeleteChrissy ... you are not gonna believe this. I know Rocco. I recognized him immediately from the photo. It's Aldo's younger brother from another mother. He's a keeper. So is this post. You are a (prison) riot!
ReplyDelete@Simply Southern,
ReplyDeleteI like a man who isn't afraid to wear color!
@Ann Martin Photography BLOG,
Thanks, Ann!
@insomniac ellen,
Do you think I'm kidding??
@Julie,
Okay, I'll work on it.
@IndigoWrath,
He's already being kept. Why didn't I think of that?
@Ron,
Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. Get your own prisoner.
http://www.writeaprisoner.com/
@Kathryn,
I don't want anyone who might actually get OUT. I want to keep him right where I can find him.
@R. Jacob,
I know..
@Stacie's Madness,
Thanks, babe!
@Carol,
Thank you for understanding. Hey, that's a good plan.
@Timoteo,
Good one!
@Joel Momberg,
He IS Aldo's younger brother! Too funny.