Do you smell that?

Monday, September 28, 2009

I stopped wearing perfume a few years ago. It wasn't really a conscious decision. I ran out of a fragrance I had been wearing and the prospect of picking out something new was too overwhelming. You know I'm incapable of making decisions. And a whole bottle of perfume is a big commitment. You know I have trouble with commitment.

The last fragrance I wore was chosen by a man I was seeing. We had gone out a few times when he said to me, "I have to ask you something."

"Okay, go ahead."

"I don't want you to get mad."

"Well, gee, when you preface it like that, I guess I'll do my best."

"I would like to take you perfume shopping."

"Oh. So you don't like my perfume?"

"Um..honestly, sweetheart, no, I really don't."

"Oh. Okay. Well, what is it about it that don't you like?"

"Well, you kinda smell like an old lady."

"Oh. Like Bengay and urine?"

" cheap and overwhelming."

"Oh gosh, well, when you put it like that, how could I be mad?"

And honestly, I wasn't. It amused me more than anything else.

So I've been thinking about my whole dating life or lack thereof. Maybe it's not as black and white as boy meets girl. There might be something to the olfactory angle. Just maybe I should be thinking of it in a more primal way like animals do. Let's analyze this.

Animals rely on pheromones to attract the opposite sex and signal mating readiness. Researchers studying animals have shown how pheromones work, tracing complex neurological paths to stimulate parts of the brain that are deeply rooted in instinct.

A male hamster smeared with vaginal secretions from a female hamster will attract male suitors. Queen bees ensure their royal status by excreting chemicals that sterilize the other female bees around them. A female boar, after one whiff of a particular secretion from a male boar, will immediately assume the mating position. It usually takes me two lemon drop martinis.

I remember back in the late 80's, a pheromone perfume was introduced to the market that claimed to attract the opposite sex. Of course, when I was in my 20's, it didn't take much to attract the opposite sex. Guys wanted the hot girls in Jordache jeans and girls were eager to expose their boobies to boys wearing pink T-shirts under Armani-like jackets a la Don Johnson in Miami Vice.

The existence of pheromones as sexual attractants in humans is debatable. Some theorize that they don't exist at all or that they exist in the young but weaken with age.

I think we've all come to the realization that I'm a sucker for a pretty face. And that these pretty boys don't serve me well in my quest for a long term relationship. So I'm going to do my own clinical trial on the pheromone phenomenon. I will act as both investigator and participant.

Phase One: I'll place another personal ad online but this time, I'll seek out the successful and stable; yet sheepish and insecure, regular guy. The one who has a 4 bedroom house in a subdivided neighborhood in the hopes that he'll meet Miss Right and fill those bedrooms with the pitter patter of little feet. He's the one who's worked his way up the corporate ladder and defied the theory that only attractive people get ahead.

Phase Two: When we meet, I'll hug him hello and casually spray him with pheromone cologne. By the end of the night, I'm hoping to feel enough tingly tinglies for me to want to see him again.

Phase Three: The protocol will mandate one spray and one lemon drop martini each time we go out. Bowling and/or a night of Dungeons and Dragons optional.

Conclusive evidence of the existence of pheromones as sexual attractants will be proven when I order a second lemon drop martini.

Be sure to stay tuned for the published results of this study.


  1. Now this hypothesis sounds interesting. Tuned in I am to see the outcome of your study.
    By the way gifting a perfume to someone has always been a bit problematic for me. Not that I worry he/she might not smell it well. Rather I feel it may make them think I am saying "You bloody smell like pig .. go take this and bathe in it"

  2. Bowling? Dungeons and Dragons? Why not combine the two and go bowling in a little elf girl outfit?

    You'd get his attention, I'd say.

  3. That's priceless, the remark about needing 2 leon drop martinis.

    I am so in there.

  4. @Amit,
    Well that sort of what he was saying to me. Only I didn't smell like a pig, just near death, I suppose.

    Smashing idea! Now why didn't I think of that?

    Needless to say, I don't drink much anymore.

  5. I will be waiting to hear these test results!

  6. A possible solution to your "whole bottle" problem. - you could go to a large department store or drugstore and ask for those teensy weensy bottles that come in a small card? That way you can try them out without the commitment. Some places are really stingy though - best to go armed with a good blagging story.

  7. It does not bode well for a lasting relationship when a date offers to make you smell better.

  8. are too damn funny, Chrissy!

    But do you know what's really weird? Back when they first came out with the cologne Pheromone, I was so hesitant to try it because I thought, "This is bullshit." But I ended up getting a free bottle from being in the industry and one day I put it on just to see what kind of reaction I would get. I swear to god...all day long people kept stopping me and asking, "What kind of cologne are you wearing. You smell fabulous?"

    Now the only trouble was is that I couldn't stand the smell of the fragrance, therefore ended up being very unattracted to myself!?!*

  9. Ooooo, this is gona be interesting!!! Know, how you accounted for what you will do if the guy thinks you are macing him or something? How are you going to explain if you get caught planting the love spritz???

    Now dont make fun, but the way my husband smells gives me butterflies. I really think there is something to it.

  10. Found your blog through Jessi and she was right, it's fabulous. Gotta say there is something to that smell stuff. No dog will ever leave me alone and I can recognize my man anywhere just by sniffing the air. Kind of gross but true.
    Can't wait to read more as your experiment continues. Just make sure you get some human pheromones.

  11. "A male hamster smeared with vaginal secretions from a female hamster will attract male suitors."

    I'm not even going to ask...

    Youremember that "Gee, your hair smells terrific!" shampoo? I bought some to impress a guy I was dating. It worked. He smelled it. But all he said was "Gee, your hair smells."

  12. I've always thought that they should make a perfume that smells like bacon.

    Or maybe not.

    Who knows, just don't stink. That's my motto.

    Not that you stink, Chrissy.

    But then, how would I know?

    I'm going to assume that you don't. Cause you're a good person, and good people usually smell good too.

    Thus endeth the pointless rambling comment.

    Kind of.

  13. My comment didn't hit, dammit.
    Take two:

    I do think it's weird that someone wants to decide how you should smell. Me? I like Ivory soap...and sunshine....ya know, from line-drying the sheets?

    Am I off-topic? Sorry.

    I'm sure you smell heavenly, Chrissy...just the way you are.

  14. your brutal honesty and self-reflection are engaging...and sexy as hell! and that hampster wondering about that one for awhile...

  15. I bet there's federal grant money available for your study-- go for it!

  16. @Brndoutw8ress,
    Hope I won't disappoint!

    @Donna Leluso,
    I'll tell them it's for a "case study". Maybe that will work?

    Needless to say, we aren't together.. :-)

    How funny. Maybe if you kept wearing it, you wouldn't smell it anymore?

    Hmmm...I never thought of that. I figured he would just be happy a woman was touching him.

    I believe your butterflies. You guys inspire me. :-)

    @Mountain Woman,
    Nice to meet ya! Jessi's the best!

    You know, that's funny, I was asking me sister if she remembered that perfume and she said, "Yes, didn't they use pig pheromones?"

    Well, no WONDER it didn't work!

  17. @f8hasit,
    Research, my dear. I like to present the facts.

    I do remember that shampoo! But I don't remember it smelling that terrific...

    I don't think I stink. Funny you should mention the bacon. I was just telling mountain woman that I asked my sister if she remembered this perfume from the 80's and she remembers it being with PIG pheromones.

    I hate when that happens.

    Yes, he wanted to "choose my scent". And we were just talking about him, so you know who it is..

    Why, thank you, anonymous one. What? Didn't anyone ever have a hampster?

    Oh my gosh. You're probably right! I'll get right on that.

  18. I say this as a friend: Never use the phrase "male hamster smeared with vaginal secretions" ever again.

  19. I once was bought a perfume because and i think this is an almost direct quote "I love the smell of this on women, it drives me wild"
    Yea, I tried to ignore that fact, but we broke up lol
    I do like the experiment and I await the results! Good Luck!

  20. I started to hate the way my ex smelled at the end of our twisted relationship. He hadnt changed anything, just suddenly to me he was putrid. Really! SHould pay attention to pheromones, gut reactions,etc. Would save me so much heartbreak!
    BTW, I looove Pepe! He's my favorite cartoon. You now have me regressing!

  21. @Sparky,
    Funny! So I guess that perfume could have been splashed on ANYONE, then?

    @Hopefull Phoenix,
    I totally believe you! I know, why do we ignore our intuition?

    Isn't he the best? My last dog was a small black and white mix that I named Pepe le Peu. He answered to both Pepe and Peu. What a lover he was!

  22. Two words...Clinque Happy. Buy it. Wear it. Love it. Good looking is good. Stable, lots of money is better. I remember my girlfriend bought some of that pheromone stuff and I always either couldn't smell it or when I thought I did, it smelled weird. Hm?

    Very cute post!

  23. Theresa,
    oh my gosh...when we picked out that perfume, it was between Happy and CK Summer and I went with CK but I do still love Happy. Great suggestion. I forgot all about that.

    Maybe only men can smell the pheromone one?

  24. quickly googling lemon drop martinis....


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