And now, Contestant #1 who likes hunting and Barbie dolls

When I first heard of the TLC show, Toddlers and Tiaras, my first memory was of JonBenet Ramsey and how this poor young girl's death catapulted child pageants into the headlines. The thought of these innocent children parading around on stage like little Lolitas was both ridiculous and upsetting and I was shocked that their journey was being documented for entertainment fodder. I mean, who would watch a show like this?

Then one night, I was flipping channels and saw what appeared to be a tiny prostitute wearing falsh eyelashes and a flapper dress. I was disgusted but I couldn't look away because I was so fascinated. Fast forward to a fresh faced little girl playing with her dolls and it took me a second to register that it was the same girl.






I understand wanting to instill confidence in young girls. I really do. But I certainly don't think that this is the way to do it. Most of the mothers will claim that their daughters just love to perform but you can see the faraway stars from dreams never met in their eyes instead.

There are two types of mothers who enter their children in pageants.

Mom #1

Usually a single mother

Always overweight and fond of form fitting tops to accentuate her curves

Lives in a tiny home in a small southern town

Thinks her plain Jane out of wedlock kin is the most beautiful thing on the planet

Willing to spend upwards of $500+ on one pageant dress but has not seen a dentist in years

Willing to hire pageant coaches, makeup artists and hairdressers to ensure victory which may or may not include a fabric sash, a shiny trophy and a rhinestone crown.


Mom #2

Wealthy, married woman whose husband no longer pays attention to them. He is likely having an affair with his secretary while she likely has cobwebs growing between her legs. She takes out her pent up sexual frustration on her young daughter, "Try it again! One-two-three-shake your hips...two-two-three-shake your butt."

Lives in a large, overdecorated home in a southern town. One room is dedicated to the fabric sashes, shiny trophies and rhinestone crowns.

Thinks her plain Jane "trying to save my marriage" daughter is the best thing since sliced bread.

Willing to spend hundreds on dresses, makeup, hairpieces, coaches, tanning salons and beauty treatments to ensure trophy room looks better than neighbor's daughter's trophy room.


There are different competitions throughout the course of the pageant and they're each broken down by age group from infants through 13 year olds. I was certain that as with any reputable pageant, that the judges have worked in the pageant industry and/or are some sort of beauty experts. Not so. Most of them either look like the fat mothers or creepy pedophiles like this guy.





Would you want him "judging" your 6 year old in a swimsuit?

What does TLC stand for? The Learning Channel. And what have we learned?


That the competition is tough and we need to get our game on if we're gonna win a trophy. Yee ha!!