And now, Contestant #1 who likes hunting and Barbie dolls

Friday, September 11, 2009

When I first heard of the TLC show, Toddlers and Tiaras, my first memory was of JonBenet Ramsey and how this poor young girl's death catapulted child pageants into the headlines. The thought of these innocent children parading around on stage like little Lolitas was both ridiculous and upsetting and I was shocked that their journey was being documented for entertainment fodder. I mean, who would watch a show like this?

Then one night, I was flipping channels and saw what appeared to be a tiny prostitute wearing falsh eyelashes and a flapper dress. I was disgusted but I couldn't look away because I was so fascinated. Fast forward to a fresh faced little girl playing with her dolls and it took me a second to register that it was the same girl.

I understand wanting to instill confidence in young girls. I really do. But I certainly don't think that this is the way to do it. Most of the mothers will claim that their daughters just love to perform but you can see the faraway stars from dreams never met in their eyes instead.

There are two types of mothers who enter their children in pageants.

Mom #1

Usually a single mother

Always overweight and fond of form fitting tops to accentuate her curves

Lives in a tiny home in a small southern town

Thinks her plain Jane out of wedlock kin is the most beautiful thing on the planet

Willing to spend upwards of $500+ on one pageant dress but has not seen a dentist in years

Willing to hire pageant coaches, makeup artists and hairdressers to ensure victory which may or may not include a fabric sash, a shiny trophy and a rhinestone crown.

Mom #2

Wealthy, married woman whose husband no longer pays attention to them. He is likely having an affair with his secretary while she likely has cobwebs growing between her legs. She takes out her pent up sexual frustration on her young daughter, "Try it again! One-two-three-shake your hips...two-two-three-shake your butt."

Lives in a large, overdecorated home in a southern town. One room is dedicated to the fabric sashes, shiny trophies and rhinestone crowns.

Thinks her plain Jane "trying to save my marriage" daughter is the best thing since sliced bread.

Willing to spend hundreds on dresses, makeup, hairpieces, coaches, tanning salons and beauty treatments to ensure trophy room looks better than neighbor's daughter's trophy room.

There are different competitions throughout the course of the pageant and they're each broken down by age group from infants through 13 year olds. I was certain that as with any reputable pageant, that the judges have worked in the pageant industry and/or are some sort of beauty experts. Not so. Most of them either look like the fat mothers or creepy pedophiles like this guy.

Would you want him "judging" your 6 year old in a swimsuit?

What does TLC stand for? The Learning Channel. And what have we learned?

That the competition is tough and we need to get our game on if we're gonna win a trophy. Yee ha!!


  1. very sad but true. Beauty pageants, are so out of date in todays world. Why do they exist, I do not know.
    I feel even more sorry for the dogs. They must be embarrassed to be seen by other dogs.

  2. I took have been caught up in this show. It is unbelievable to me. It makes me wonder what these Mothers have to do to convince their children that this is "FUN". My stepdaughters wont even wear a skort, they just wanna play. It is the epitomy of living through your children and its sad.....

  3. I use to work as a freelance makeup artist for various photographers while still in Florida, and MANY of the clients who booked photography sessions where the mothers of these young pageant girls. It was sad to see how quite often it was the MOTHER pressuring their daughters into enter these pagents and WINNING. It was like they were living their own dreams vicariously through their daughters.

    *I can't take my eyes off the little girl in the purple dress in the second photo down, looking at the winner with DAGGERS.

  4. Hey, you need to get Bernie in one of those dog pageant things!

    Great post, Chrissy. A little sad, but well done.

  5. @R.Jacob,
    I've often thought the same thing. We're so not evolved.

    Oh c'mon, you know those dogs love it.

    Yes, so sad. I remember one little girl who looked like she was going to cry and she said, "I'm happy on the inside". That said it all.

    Oh, wow, you have first hand experience! I know, isn't the look on her face hysterical?

    Thanks. We're interviewing pageant coaches right now.

  6. It's hard not to get angry at those mothers (which you nailed perfectly). And it's equally sad to see them compensating for a life they hate through the lives of their own innocent kids.

    the dogs however, they're open game.

  7. These mothers are seriously out of their minds. They are ruining the girls self-confidence. I can't imagine a 4 y/o being told they are too fat. To this day, they still don't know who killed Jon Benet.
    Bernie would be a shoo-in in every category.

  8. I thought about putting my daughter's into modeling before...with the vague idea that it might build their self esteems and help them through the tramas of teenagedom.

    But after thinking of my babies being oogled just for their looks...made me feel sad that I thought about it in the first place.

    'she takes out her pent up sexual frustration...'
    I've thought that a million times. These moms should be at home getting screwed by their husband and maybe they'd leave their precious daughters alone.

  9. @CK,
    It's awful. And the ones who say they like it only say they like it for their mother's sake.

    The dogs, on the other hand, love it. You can see the joy in their faces.


    Okay, so it's not just me? I can't believe they spray tan them to "look more healthy". She's 4!

    Thanks for the vote of confidence for Bern!

    I started in modeling when I was 13 and it killed my self-esteem. I was 5'9, 127 pounds and "too fat". Then I had the creepy photographer who asked me to take my top off at 14. Don't do it!

    Maybe a fun little charm school but avoid the modeling industry.

  10. ...And the fake teeth. Don't forget the fake teeth. They call them "flippers". UGH.

  11. I hate to admit it, but I've watched a whole episode of Toddlers and Tiaras. I'm hanging my head in shame. What's really sad is when they talk to the girls at their home and they're showing off all their sashes and crowns and the girls are saying, "This is for 2nd place, I should have won, but I wasn't good enough that day." That doesn't sound like a confidence builder to me.

    And that dog wearing the leopard skin undies looks sexier than me. WTF?!

  12. Every one of these kids has been taught hate, envy and the notion that pretty replaces brains.

  13. @Kathryn,
    Another fan, I see! Yes, the flippers. God forbid your baby teeth look small.

    Oh, I'm addicted to all it's vulgarity. I can't get enough.

    I know! Blonde bitch..

    Exactly. Everyone knows that's only true until you hit 40.


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