Spanx me

Friday, July 2, 2010

“Maybe you should think about wearing a girdle.”

Ahhhh…Saturdays with Mom.

This is what my mother thinks I look like.

I believe my mother has a condition called reverse other people’s bodies dysmorphia. She sees me as way fatter than I am. Yes...yes! I've gained a lot of weight but I'm 5'9 so 40 pounds on me isn't the same as 40 pounds on someone who's 5'2. And besides, 25 of those pounds are in my boobs.

What is the big freakin' deal??

Then I came home and tried on one of my skirts from last summer. It didn't zip all the way up and I heard my mother's voice, "Maybe you should think about wearing a girdle." I don't even like wearing control top pantyhose but we're in a different time than when our mother's wore girdles. Today, girdles have fancy names like Spanx and they're trendy to wear. Heck, even Queen Oprah sings their praises.

So I went to to see what the hype was all about. Oh, look! They have a new line of slimming swimwear. Okay, Spanx marketers. If you want to convince me that this bathing suit is going to make me look slimmer, don't show me a skinny bitch without an ounce of body fat wearing one.

"Look at me! I haven't eaten since May."

Show me THIS woman wearing the body slimming bathing suit if you want me to shell out $107.

I looked through all the nonsensically named bodysuits, shapers, panties and slips and finally decided on the "Higher Power" body shaper.

It has a high waist to eliminate the "muffin top" and longer legs to slim those cottage cheesey thighs. Wait a minute...$36?!?!?!

Well, I found one for a fraction of the cost on eBay and bought it. Yes, it's probably stolen since there was no packaging but I don't care. Didn't you hear the part about it being a fraction of the cost?

Let me tell you, ladies, (and curious gents) I HATE this stupid thing. First of all, it took me 5 minutes to get it on over my butt. My face was bright red by the time I did and I had to sit down and rest. The high waist doesn't stay high unless you're as thin as skinny bitch. The top rolled down by the time I got to work and created a larger bulge than ever existed before.

There's a handy dandy hole in the crotch for, I'm guessing here, relieving yourself. But it would be impossible to do without dribbling all over it. And besides, it just feels freaky walking around work in what are essentially crotchless panties.

Are they handy for a quickie? Oh, sure. But for as good as they might look under your clothing, they're less than flattering by themselves so it's not likely I would even get any takers.

Sorry, Oprah, I usually like every book, wine, car, hair product and musical artist that you suggest but I have to give you a big thumbs down on this one.


  1. I tried on one of those bathing suits a few weeks ago, and I swear it enhanced all my fat rolls.

    It took me a half hour to get it off, and by that time I had welts all over my body from the areas that it had been 'sucking in' for me.

    No thanks!

  2. Chrissy, none of the pairs I own are crotchless! Gross. I have a hard time getting them on and have to put them on before my bra in the hopes that my bra (size 36G) will keep the damn thing from rolling down. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. How my sister wears these every day, even in summer is beyond me.

    This was a funny post ;)

  3. "I believe my mother has a condition called reverse other people’s bodies dysmorphia."


    I almost died when you said that this thing is crotchless. How funny.

    Even though men's undies are made with a sliding door to relieve ourselves, I NEVER use it. It takes too damn long to PULL it all through.



  4. FINALLY! Someone who doesn't rave about what a freakin' MIRACLE Spanx are. And they are godawful expensive.

    Maybe they're great for people who, ya know, don't really need them but seem to feel that they need them... but I'd always wondered if they really were "all that"...

  5. @cashier,
    I know! We're better off just lettin' it all hang out.

    They're not crotchless? Is someone playing a joke on me? Clearly, your sister is insane.

    It takes that long to pull it through. Well, I think congratulations are in order!

    I had no idea they would be so expensive! You're right. I can only see them fitting right on someone with no bulges.

  6. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, for finally telling the world the TRUTH - SPANX (FOR GIRLS WHO REALLY NEED IT) SUCKS BIG TIME!!!!

    I bought a pair, believing the hype that my cellulite would disappear - well, it only bunched it up making it appear more "small curd cheesy"...yuck!

    I've been playing catch-up on my reading this week, sorry to be late in commenting.


  7. @SaciTxn,
    You're welcome. The truth HAD TO be told! :-)

  8. "And besides, 25 of those pounds are in my boobs."

    ROFLMAO. Excellent. I need to weigh mine and subtract that from my overall weight.

    Gross Weight - Boob Weight = Net Weight.

    Excellent. :op

  9. I too have purchased spans...and yes, mine have the hole-in-the-crotch as well.....I had fears I would sneeze or laugh to hard and pee on the floor! I never quite understand why they use models who do not have body fat to model items for people with body fat....hmmmm?

    I was wearing the spans under a dress, and someone came up and put their arm around my waist and immediately knew I was wearing a girdle...or I had wrapped a compression bandage around my torso. They kind of shuddered when they quickly removed their hand!

    great post....


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