Wake me at midnight

Friday, October 16, 2009

I've never been a morning person.


In fact, when I was in kindergarten, our class was divided into the morning group and the afternoon group. By some miracle of fate, I was in the afternoon group and was given the false hope that I could sleep until 10:00 all throughout my academic career. What a rude awakening when I entered the first grade.

And it's been a series of disappointments ever since. Expectations of being on time for class, work, church, jury duty, court, sentencing, community service...where does it stop?

I worked in retail management for about 10 years and it was perfect for my "night owl syndrome". When no one else wanted to work nights, I happily volunteered.

Lots of people experience mid-life career changes so I've been exploring a variety of different options that will afford me the flexibility I'm looking for to indulge my sleep patterns and I think I've found it.

I'm going to be a vampire.

Actually, I might already be one.

I was flipping through my 5000 cable channels last week and I came across a woman who was discussing Vampirism and the study of Vampirology.

She explained that unlike the vampires of folkore and dark movie theaters, that real vampires (yes, she said real) don't necessarily drink blood but instead have an extraordinary ability to manipulate life force energy. Vampires are not likely to be intentionally malevolent, however, their inability to recognize this can cause harm to themselves or others. She also claimed that most of us know at least one vampire.

Think about that for a minute.

Here are some of the characteristics of vampires that I think I might possess.

1) They have inverted circadian rhythms; the internal clock that regulates biological processes in a 24 hour period. They're usually known as "night owls".

2) They are unpredictable, moody, temperamental and overwhelming.

And Check.

3) Some real vampires are attracted to blood and find different means for attaining it. Well, I don't like blood, per se, but I'm always up for a Bloody Mary.


4) They're photosensitive and sunburn easily. Next to Nicole Kidman, I am THE most Caucasian person you will ever meet.


5) Their relationships tend to be disasters because of their self-centered natures. See blog.


6) They may go through jobs and lovers like Kleenex. I'll refrain from making a blow comment here.


7) They have a talent for attracting attention. Case in point, Jim. And the guy who restocks the pop bottles at work.


So it's settled then. I'll give my notice on Monday.

I wonder if they have dental?


  1. I am not a morning person either. My mom always said that no one can speak to me until after 10 am. Of course, she forgot to tell that to my kids!

  2. I am totally a vampire then, thanks for clearing that up for me.

    And, for the record, the only time I want to be up at 5am, is if I haven't been to bed yet.

  3. I was chuckling heartily until I got to #6. I read it and thought, "Shit. This blog post ain't as funny to me anymore." Sometimes that happens when it hits too close for comfort.

    Toolbit out.

  4. Hmm... I'm beginning to make a suspicion about my wife. :-)

  5. i just stumbled upon your blog, and i love your snarky sense of humor. :)

  6. Von Helsing here.

    I zeem to rrremember you zaying zat you got 'tingly, tingly' ven you ver at ze butcher's counter looking at ze steak.

    I zink your prrrognozis iz corrrect.
    YOU ARE A VOMPEER unt I vill be rrrround mit mine garrrlik unt mine toools very zoon!

  7. Well you're sure gonna make a pretty vampire.

  8. So it's changing to ishouldabeenabloodsucker ?

  9. Ahhhhhhh! You've explained so MUCH! What a simply fabulous post!!!! And vampires are usually beautiful ppl as well, at least that's
    what I see in the movies (above photo excluded), so you'd def fit right in!
    Love the line "Their relationships tend to be disasters because of their self-centered natures. See blog." Made me LOL, before 7am...not an easy feat!

    About the dental, though...I'd imagine the cleanings would be killer....

    Great post, as always Chrissy!

  10. That explains why I like to wear turtlenecks when I'm around you. On a subcouncious level I knew this and was just protecting my neck.


  11. That is a hell of a picture! You have more tv channels than I do, wow, that's impressive.


  12. Great blog entry. I like the night, wearing black, and avoiding sunlight. Do you think I might be Uncle Fester?

  13. Thanks for the checklist. I know now that I have raised a vampire. Eight o clock classes are killing her!

  14. I might have thought I was a vampire too - I'm not a morning person either, but I also go to bed at 9:00 p.m, so I'm not particularly a night owl - unless I'm a geriatric one.

  15. Wow, seems like you may have answered alot of your lifes questions here! How awesome is that???

    As for me, there Countess Stripula, Im quite the opposite. Tomorrow I am getting up at 430 am... By choice :-)

  16. Ok, this was a LOL funny post, and I was LMAO until I got to the part about 'we all know at least one', then I started thinking about the people who live next door. And if that wasn't enough to really creep me out, the photo sure was! Yikes, Spooky Girlfriend! I'm sure not going to be a morning person today! Anybody needs me? I'll be right here, under the bed...

  17. This was hilarious!lol

    I once went out on a date with a girl who told me, with a straight face, that she was a vampire....There was no second date.

  18. this is the bane of my daily existence: "expectations of being on time for class, work, church, jury duty, court, sentencing, community service...where does it stop?"

    i am without question part of the 'afternoon group' as well!

  19. Great blog! Good to know that I might be part vampire...should I warn my husband?

  20. OMG...the more I know you, the more I KNOW we are both VAMPIRES!

    What you shared here (1-7) is EXACTLY...and I mean EXACTLY how I am. In fact, over a year ago I wrote two posts about my love and self-indentification with vampires.

    Great post, girl! I freakin' loved it!

    And remember something....

    Dracula SUCKS!


  21. *sneaking up behind you with a wooden stake and a mallet...You turn suddenly and I turn the other way, whistling and pretending I am watching the clouds*

  22. Oh good grief, now I have to hunt you AND iDifficult down before sunrise...

    With a respectful nod to Marillion and to my best friends:

    Dressed in black, no turning back
    We blanked out on the Great White Way
    Fingers in desire's crack
    We'd bridge and tunnel into day
    Abandoned to the salt of skin
    Abandoned to the highway
    Sand running in the hourglass
    Heat of leather and mirages

    So how do we now come to be afraid of sunlight?


  23. I'm so pale, I could use Milk Of Magnesia as foundation.

  24. Well, it seems like a good gig, but is there money in it?

  25. Love your style of witing. You are a true talent. Did your learn this or were you born with it? I wish I had it!

    Vampires rock!

  26. My favorite part of living is not using the alarm on the weekends. Yes. I need a life.

  27. @Lee the Hot Flash Queen,
    See? I knew I liked you.

    Still up at 5AM, I love it!

    I know, sorry. Truth hurts.

    Don't tell her you know!

    @The Crazy Baby Mama,
    Well, welcome! Snarky...I'll take it!

  28. @The Fat Man,
    LOL!! That's too funny!

    @The Peach Tart,
    Aw, thank you. :-)

    Ha! Yes, something like that.

    Thanks! Yes, the cleanings would be a bitch.

    Funny! Yes, that's probably it.

    I can't even look at that picture. It scares me too much

  29. @idifficult,
    Thanks. Uncle Fester. That's funny!

    @Fumbling confidence,
    Maybe she should attend night school?

    @Travel Girl,
    So you're probably only a vampire during daylight savings time.

    4:30? You're such a freak of nature.

    Countess Stripula! Why didn't I think of that??

  30. @Cynica Sarcastamos,
    I know! That totally freaked me out when she said that we all know one. WHA???

    For real? That's hysterical.

    @Will Hennessy,
    Welcome, my brethren.

    Thanks! No, don't tell him. That will just give him time to go buy the stake.

    Thanks! Welcome to the coven.

    @Organic Meatbag,
    THAT is hysterical!

    We'll find you first...

    That's so funny! Yup, me too.

    Crap. I never even thought of that. Details...details...

    @Funny Girl,
    Thanks. That made my day. It just comes to me.:-)

    Hey, I hear you loud and clear. That's heaven.

  31. Most of the students I tutor are vampires. I'm usually half dead by the time they leave.

  32. How did I manage to miss this post yesterday? Must have been out looking for blood... at that stupid mad slasher movie I went to with Vlad.

    Are you in the market for a vampire sidekick? I'm in need of employment at the moment and would make a great foil for your exciting adventures as a vampire. (Resume to follow.)

  33. So Michael Jackson was a vampire.

  34. @C. Andres Alderete,
    That must be very rewarding.

    Yes, you must have been looking for blood. I love mad slasher movies.
    You know, someone asked what it paid and I guess I never really thought about that. They always say, do what you love and the money will follow.

    You mean, IS a vampire.

  35. I was turned on to your blog through f8hasit. You are now one of my most favorite. LOVE your sense of humor and honesty. Makes me want to be a vampire too just so I can hang with you!

  36. @Toni,
    Nice to meet you! So glad you like my blog. You know, Nancy @f8hasit and I are best friends. You can hang with us anytime!

  37. OMGosh...you're funny! I sometimes like to pretend I'm a vampire, but now that I read this post, I'm not vampire material at all....(I'm a morning person, not a night owl - I don't do blood (it makes me faint), and I tan easily (I'm not fair skinned!) I DO like to be the center of attention, tho....and I'm certainly MOODY...hellloooo....aren't we all? I'll have to rethink my vampire pretending...hmm .....


C'mon, you know you want to say it..

Blogger Template created by Just Blog It