I remember when I was younger, I could eat a large pizza one day (pepperoni lovers pan pizza, by myself), a pound of M & M’s the next and then a pan of brownies to round out the week and NOT gain a pound. Now it seems like all I have to do is walk past the ice cream freezer at the grocery store and I can feel my ass starting to expand. Curses to you, Father Time!
In the past 6 months, however, I seem to be putting on weight at a faster pace than I can ever recall and it’s probably time to get serious about dieting. I’ve always had a flat stomach and a trim waist, even when I gained a few pounds.
A few days ago, I put on a dress and turned around to see what the back of the dress looked like in my full length mirror. And then I saw it.
Back fat.
You know what I’m talking about, ladies. It’s that little roll that accumulates just below the back of your bra. What was I going to do? I couldn’t leave the house with my back fat showing. And I was running too late to try to find something else to wear.
I took my bra off, put my dress back on and looked over my shoulder at my back in the mirror. I was still a little lumpy but significantly less bumpy than when I had the line from my bra cutting across my back.
I turned around to look at the dress from the front and saw my nipples staring straight back at me saying, "You forgot about us, Einstein".
I had an idea. Since the girls are still pretty perky (don’t hate me, remember I don’t have kids) I decided to pull out my handy dandy flower petal pasties to conceal my workplace nippage.
Go ahead, I’ll give you a minute to think about that…
I have to admit, it was very strange to be sitting in a meeting concealing this naughty little secret. Years ago, I read that wearing sexy underwear was supposed to make you feel sexier. I never really got that feeling. But maybe it’s because I was at such a different place in my life then. I couldn’t yet appreciate how I felt versus how I looked. Back then, I was willing to show my sexy underwear to pretty much anyone who asked.
This was different. There I was, wearing my conservative black dress and pearls, looking through my glasses at the men sitting across from me. At that moment, I felt the overwhelming power of my femininity and when faced with a dissenting view, was tempted to fling open my dress and say, “Now do you understand what I’m saying?”
Oh, I think they would have.
I started to make a grocery list for my diet but I’ve had to revise it given this new enlightenment.
Tomatoes
Cucumbers
Chicken
Fat free salad dressing
Ice cream
Cookies
Case of flower petal pasties
Hi Chrissy! Ah yes, this all sounds spookily familiar; what doeshappen to teenage racehorse metabolisms? As someone who frequently clears away last night's pizza boxes, soda bottles and ice cream tubs with a shovel, I ask myself that all the time. When you're six feet five, it's easy for folks not to notice a few pounds here or there. Indeed, twenty can come and go without a glance. But let's just say that recently, despite still being a fine figure of a man, I'm glad that I don't wear a bra ;> Indigo
ReplyDeleteBack Fat is an real indicator that we have lost control of our bodies. it's a signal to do something!
ReplyDeleteI fortunatly do not have backfat yet! I do though have the muffintop! I blame it on these hip hugger pants, unless your stomach is a freakin washboard, the little pooch of your stomach folds over the top of this "hipster" jeans! I'm too young to wear those pants that come up so far they could double as a bra but I cant find pants that are a decent length for those of us with not-so-flat bellys!
ReplyDelete@Indigo,
ReplyDeleteI had that teenage metabolism until I was 35! I'm tall (5'9) and like you, can carry a bunch of extra weight but I think it's redistributing.
Wow, 6'5, huh?
@Secretia,
Thanks for the reminder.
@Brndoutw8ress,
I don't care how old you are, NO ONE should wear those granny jeans!
You are TOOOOO funny, girl! That last photo made me HOWL!
ReplyDeleteListen, even me (who is thin) - I too have noticed a little ROLL starting to cascade over the wasteband of my undies!
I call it my little Niagara Falls!
//Go ahead, I’ll give you a minute to think about that… //
ReplyDeleteI actually laughed out loud reading that! you got a wicked sense of humour. :D I am hooked to your writings :)
Hi Chrissy, yep I'm 6'5". I wasn't especially blessed physically, though (with a straight face) I can say that the proportions worked out ok. No freaky long legs or long body. I can get clothes without straying too far in the high street. As for being 5'9, that's tall indeed, and I hope your shopping is as easy! Indigo
ReplyDeleteHilarious, a woman after my own heart. I too have those little petals and there is a distinct pleasure in wearing them and no one knowing.
ReplyDelete@Ron,
ReplyDeleteI suppose it happens to the best of us.
@Aditya,
C'mon, you know you needed a minute.
@Indigo,
Not sure if women are getting taller, but it's much easier to find long pants than it used to be.
@Rosie,
True, right? Even more so than not wearing a bra at all.
So, they stay on? Can they make me look like I did never nursed four kids? As for the back fat, it's getting cold outside. The back fat will come in handy.
ReplyDelete@Jules,
ReplyDeleteHa! Could be, give them a try. They DO stay on but don't get the "re-usable" kind. Too much work.
Good point about the back fat. I'll keep it.
Another woman secret I just learned. Next time I am at a meeting I will be wondering...and looking...and thinking
ReplyDelete6'1!