I hate to burst your Chrissy fantasy bubble but I rarely sleep in the nude. Unless, of course, it's 500 degrees and my air conditioning is broken.
No, I'm just not that 90's Cosmo girl anymore. You know, the one that read articles like, "Ten Ways to Make Your Man Crazy in Bed" and then broke up with my boyfriend who wondered how I had learned what a reverse cowgirl was since our last date. "Look, honey, it's here in Cosmo. I swear!"
No, I don't show up at his door wearing a garter belt and stockings under my trench coat anymore and I lost my G-spot somewhere back in 1998. Sometimes I miss that playful tart but I guess I just haven't had enough opportunities as of late to find her again.
You may recall my love-hate-love relationship with Facebook in the last 6 months. I ventured on in August and found a man I had dated in 2004. In a nutshell, it didn't work out back then. Fast forward to 2009 and another go around, this time long distance;he in California and me in Ohio.
We talked for about 4 months and made a few tentative travel plans that never quite came to fruition. As luck would have it, his holiday plans changed and he was going to be in Cleveland for a few days. I wanted everything to be perfect because it had been so long since we had seen each other. I cleaned the house, bathed the dog and trimmed the tree. I dyed, plucked and shaved places that haven't seen the light of day since July. Of 2008.
My friend, Lucy, gave me gold satin sheets for Christmas to "spice up" my long overdue rendezvous with the man I call, My Favorite. I always wanted satin sheets but they seemed too extravagant of an indulgence. As one might expect, they feel fabulous against your skin and require nudity to create enough traction to keep you from sliding out of bed.
Everything seemed perfect. I'm not really sure what happened. Well, I could give you my version but it probably wouldn't be the same as his and it wouldn't be fair to him anyway.
But I decided to keep those satin sheets on. That lasted about two days. My pillows ended up on the floor by morning and my sheets almost suffocated poor Bernie when they slid off in the middle of the night.
Back to my old tank top and flannel sheets. However, I did find an interesting article at Cosmopolitan.com that will keep me company tonight, "Your Hands-On Guide to Solo Sex".
Sounds like the world needs a flannel/satin composite. Shall we call it sannel or flateen?
ReplyDeleteSooo many disappointments in the post. You don't sleep nude? *pop* goes one fantasy. And you didn't get in on? Shame.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder to go solo right now :)
ReplyDeleteSecretia
I hope the soap didn't break the deal!!
ReplyDelete@Straight Guy,
ReplyDeleteI like it! Get on that, would ya?
@Cogitator,
Oh, no worries, I got some first.
@Secretia,
I knew you would appreciate that.
@Lee,
Yes, it's all your fault. :-)
I thought satin sheets were only popular in the 80's along with the flannel short housecoat. No? Yes?
ReplyDeleteOMG...I just about DIED when I read this!!
ReplyDeleteYou're right...we ARE on the same wave-length!!!
However, your bed sheets are much more interesting and FUN than mine!
"Your Hands-On Guide to Solo Sex"
Oh, and BTW....I wrote that article.
Bwhahahahahahahha!
X
Facebook didn't do it for me either. Good thing you can un friend someone.
ReplyDeleteI did catch up with some far ranging family, though.
Is that hands-on guide just for women? ;-)
Satin sheets are so overrated. Unless you like a slip and slide ride. A Chrissy fantasy, who has been peeking?
ReplyDeleteHere is hoping for an AC breakdown!
ReplyDeleteYes. It's true. My Chrissy fantasy bubble burst. What a mess. Some of us were better off not knowing.
ReplyDeleteThis is the same reason I've stopped wearing silk boxers. You slip all over the darned place!
ReplyDeleteChrissy: "No, I don't show up at his door wearing a garter belt and stockings under my trench coat anymore and I lost my G-spot somewhere back in 1998.Sometimes I miss that playful tart but I guess I just haven't had enough opportunities as of late to find her again."
ReplyDeleteOne man gets his penis cut off, and the Amber Alert is sounded and every cop in a 50 mile radius sets to finding it. A woman loses her G-spot and men didn't even know what that was, let alone that it could be misplaced. And then men continued about their day. It's a sad story.
Toolbit out.
Satin sheets, my first post divorce purchase. Who can sleep on those things? And having sex, forget it, I slid off so often he gave up!
ReplyDelete@WannabeVirginia W,
ReplyDeleteReally? I'm always a day late and a dollar short. Now you're probably going to tell me people don't say that anymore.
@Ron,
Hysterical, right?!?
@GregoryJ,
No, it's for all the lonely hearts club members.
@R.Jacob,
Sorry, that probably won't happen until at least July.
@Dan,
I know. TMI.
@Judge Fudge,
Good in theory only.
@Toolbit,
So profound.
@Carol,
I know, aren't they fun?
I keep imagining he and you sliding off the bed and hitting your head on the wall. VERY "I Love Lucy"-esque. Too funny.
ReplyDeleteNow, sliding off the bed alone, after solo-time. THAT would be funny.
Laugh I couldn't keep my flannelette pyjamas dry!Satin sheets you ARE exotic pet!Bad enough rampant sex,let alone skidding around the bedroom!A bit Laurel and Hardy for this old Englishman!Still I admire your courage!
ReplyDeleteOh, poor Bernie! I wonder how long she was trapped under there!
ReplyDeleteNah...I've never had any desire for satin sheets. I want the ones with the 5000 thread-count, like Oprah has. At least, that's what she said they were when I slept over last week.
It's a sign, baby....put the sheets away and dump the chump.
@That Gal Kiki,
ReplyDeleteI did keep ramming my head into the headboard.
@Simon,
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
@Kathryn,
I know. And she's so mellow, she just lays there silently suffocating.
Give Ms. O my best the next time you see her!
At least you got some sexy sheets. You can have 'em ready for the next "visitor" buy some Pro-Grip, just in case. ;)
ReplyDeleteHow have I not replied to this already? Ah yes, I think I got a bit giddy. Yes, that was it. Tank tops and flannel. Sorry, what was I saying?
ReplyDelete