Wednesday, July 1, 2009

It's been raining pretty non-stop here for the last few days. Bernie is horrified of the thunder so, lucky for me, it tends to start thundering when I've been asleep for two or three hours. I'm usually in the middle of a dream where David Beckham has left that skinny ass wife of his for me. I'm lying on the bed as he's walking toward me, staring into my eyes....

...and then Bernie is jumping on the side of my bed because there's been a clap of thunder.

In my haste to get some sleep before the storm started again last night, I knocked over the glass that sits on the pedestal sink in my bathroom. I should have learned long ago to only buy plastic because I inevitably break anything that's glass in my house.

I picked up the the large pieces as I shooed Bernie out so she wouldn't step in any glass. Im already paying for the vet's new car, I don't need to pay for the addition on her home.

I was pretty sure I had picked up all the pieces so I did one last sweep with a wet tissue. Well, I hadn't gotten it all until the last sliver slid under my nail and lodged there. It went something like this.

"Holy shit!!! Oh my God, oh my God, Oh my God! Holy shit! Bernie get out. OUT! Oh my God!!!"

It was bleeding so bad that I could barely see the piece of glass and when I tried to pull it out with my fingers, i just lodged it further in. I tried not to bleed all over the bathroom as I searched for my tweezers. I found them but I'm less than adept at using them left handed and I had to rinse my finger each time so I could see where the sliver was.

I finally managed to get the glass out and wrap a tissue around my finger. I kept replacing it as I bled through each one. I contemplated what to do as panic quickly set in.

I was too tired to drive to the emergency room and I had dated the best of friend of a paramedic so I knew that if I called 911, I would have to straighten up the house and put makeup on. Then there was the cop my friend tried to set me up with who never called me again. He would probably show up, too. No, I didn't need an episode of "This is Your Life" playing out in my living room.

My finger finally clotted and I applied some Jesus salve, also known as Doctor Burt's Res-Q Ointment. I swear, this smelly green stuff can cure anything.

I thought I was home free until this morning when I went to pick up the overflowing wastebasket in my bathroom. I sliced the opposite hand with the broken glass that was perched on the top.

Do I try to clot it or do I call 911? Well, I'm already dressed and I am having a good hair day...


  1. At this point, it's too bad you're not dating Dr. Burt. But then again, I don't know your stance on untamed beards.

  2. Isn't "Clap of Thunder" what they're calling David Beckham in London these days?

    I never knew preparing for the 911 team would be so challenging...thanks for enlightening me!

  3. Oh dear god, Chrissy!

    Remind me NEVER to serve you a drink in a glass.

    *I have some cute little Dixie Cups with Care Bears on them.

    Glad you're having a good hair day, though!


  4. damn girl, you need to be more careful...and get back to that dream.

    thanks to you, I shall dream of him as well...*drool*

  5. That Beckham is nothing but trouble!

  6. And yet, with glas cuts and clots on both hands you were able to type out a blog to keep your fans happy... rock.
    Amelia said she has some cute bandaids for you if you need them. She then said you were a 'calamity". On which I agreed with "on more levels than you know".

    Hope you are able to get back to that dream tonight. It's not supposed to rain.

  7. MVD,
    Who needs a stance on beards when the guy is worth millions?

  8. Chris,
    I don't actually read anything about him. I just look at the pictures.

  9. Ron,
    I should invest in some Dixie cups myself! I showed my sister my finger and she just shook her head.

  10. Stacie,
    Isn't be beautiful? As long as he doesn't speak. That just ruins it. Kind of like Carmen Elektra.

  11. Anna,
    I could use a little trouble about now.

  12. Nancy,
    I can't stop laughing about Amelia's comment! You need to get her out of that montessori school. She's getting too smart for her own good.

  13. Oweee! Hate glass. It does tend to make whatever it slices or dices bleed ALOT. I wonder why that is? Anyways, I hope you are all better now.

    Don't waste time on fireman (they have a God complex) or cops (you'll just end up with a cheater). Instead, go try to pick up the pharmacist (only if he's cute). Just sayin'.

  14. Theresa,

    I know. Glass is evil like that.

    I think your fireman, cop analogy is true. I dated a cop a few years ago. I love your pharmacist suggestion!


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