Monday Morning Millie

Remember when I went to go get Millie and the dog warden was a jerk 'cuz he said she was old and they said that she "suddenly" started limping but then it turned out that she had a torn ACL?

Well, look at my girl go! She didn't need to have surgery but she does take her Cosequin joint supplement and she doesn't look a day over 9. (pssst....she just turned 10, but don't tell her I told you!)

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"BUT I DON'T WANNA MOVE!"


Original Post Date, November 17, 2010


I haven’t given you a weight loss update lately because I’m not exactly thrilled with my progress. I’ve only lost 13 pounds and I know it’s because I got a little slacky with my exercise. I guess it really does make a difference at this age.

Crap.

I’m one of those people who has to do something EVERY day and if I miss a day or two, I never EVER want to work out again because, let's face it. I'm inherently lazy.

Yes, yes…I like the way I feel when I’m done and yes…I like the results but I really wish it was easier.

Like in the old days.

Remember those Elaine Powers wiggly jiggly things? Maybe I could find one on eBay and just wiggle jiggle my fat away. I've already got the black shoes and shower cap.



I’m not sure why these fat burning babies ever went out of style, either. My boyfriend and I could just crank up the heat, lie on the couch and sweat our way to thinness.


I know. I know. Who am I kidding?

I can't get a boyfriend.

Doh!

Okay, so I guess I'm no less forgetful in this house than in the other!

Five Dollah!

The other day, I hear about this website called Fiverr. I guess it was launched a year ago but I just heard about it now. It’s an online marketplace for people selling products and services. I was intrigued for a few reasons.

First of all, because I love a bargain. My favorite price is FREE but 5 bucks is pretty darn good, too.

Second, I’m trying to figure out what I can offer for 5 bucks. You know I’m always looking to make some extra cash as long as it’s not illegal or immoral. Well, as long as it's not illegal. I mean, c’mon, who looks good in this??

Although the sandals do look like a comfy pair I found at Walgreen’s for around 5 bucks! Lose the socks, sweetheart.

Maybe if they let me wear this, a life of crime wouldn't seem so...so...unfashionable.

Where was I??

Oh, right, Fiverr.

So it's really interesting (ridiculous) to see what some people are offering for 5 bucks. The highest rated ones are the people who say they will increase your Facebook "likes" or post your website on their Twitter or Facebook page with their gazillion followers. The website takes a dollar of your proceeds so technically, you're doing stuff for Fourrrr instead of a Fiverr.

Here are some of my favorites:

"I will sing Happy Birthday in Welsh, wearing only a thong and wooly hat"

"I will record your phone greeting in the voice of Yoda"

"I will write your text on a plate using organic cinnamon"

"I will record an eye catching video with your message dressed as a sexy schoolgirl, naughty secretary or a hot vampire"

"I will write you message on my pecs and abs"

"I will Skype with you for ten minutes as a silly monster puppet"

"I will provide insightful advice about anything"

http://fiverr.com/extrainput/provide-insightful-advice-about-anything?autoplay=true

I will count BIG money and shout your name or site

http://fiverr.com/jerrylittlemars/count-100-dollars-and-shout-your-name-or-site

166 people have ordered this! WTF??

What would YOU do for $5.00??

Monday Morning Vinny

"Vee are alvays vatching you. Vee just pretend to sleep."

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

"QV Me"

Original Post Date, January 4, 2011

A few months back, I needed some retail therapy to soothe a bad day. It was raining and since the clocks had just “fallen back”, I didn’t feel like going back out on a cold, dark night so I turned on my computer to browse my favorite eBay store. It’s a vendor in Iowa that buys out department store inventory at the end of the season and resells it. I would tell you their name but I can’t risk that any of you might wear the same size as me.

Since most of the clothing up for auction that week was either evening gowns or bathing suits, I decided to head over to QVC. Now, before you think that I’m one of those house fraus who spends all of her money on Quacker Factory sweatshirts and Marie Osmond limited edition dolls, let me set you straight.
Oh, sure, I aspire to be a house frau, earning my money the old fashioned way...legs spread, feet up in the air.

But I’m not a frau now.

So the most I can afford are the three easy payments for the camera I bought and a semi-monthly recurring charge for WEN hair products.



I’ve seen the WEN infomercial a thousand times and I’m always sucked in, nose pressed against the television screen, studying the "before" and "afters". We all have a favorite feature and admittedly, mine has always been my hair.

I hated my boobs when they were small and I hate them even more now that they’re big. I used to like my eyes until a guy I was dating told me that I had Marty Feldman eyes. I think he meant Bette Davis eyes but I was 21 and impressionable so the eyes came off my fave list. Even today, I’m careful not to stare at people too long without blinking in case they have the urge to swat me with a fly swatter.

And I thought I had a perfectly acceptable nose until 7th grade choir, when Margie Sutter was sitting next to me and said, 'So you broke you nose, huh? What a bump you have!'

So you see, by process of elimination, my hair is my (no pun intended) crowning glory.

Lately, though, like most things on my body, it’s starting to show its age. I’ve never minded the little bit of gray I have since I started seeing it as a teenager. But the grays have started multiplying and for those who aren’t aware, the grayer is gets, the coarser it becomes. So instead of walking around with pube like hair on my head, I decided to give Chaz Dean and WEN a shot. Guthy-Renker has never let me down before.



Besides, how cool is the name Chaz?

It almost balances out the fact that their spokesperson is buck toothed Melissa Gilbert who played Laura Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie. Did I mention I couldn’t stand her when I was growing up and secretly hoped that Nellie would accidentally shoot her one day? I can almost hear Harriet now:

"Nels! Come quickly! Our sweet Nellie has shot that dreadful Ingalls girl. You know, the one with the buck teeth?"


Smile before you die, Laura

If you haven't managed to spend 30 minutes watching the WEN infomercial, let me explain to you the magic. It's not a shampoo, it's a cleansing conditioner. This means that you don't have to shampoo and condition because it's all done in one step. It's weird the first time you try it. Since is has no detergents and sulfates, it doesn't lather.

I admit, it's a little pricey, but I'm only buying one product and it lasts me 6 weeks. It averages out to $6.00/week which is less than a cup of coffee a day.

See how I'm justifying the cost?

The only thing I don't buy into, is The Saw Cut Shower Comb. They send you an instructional DVD that shows you how to wash your hair.


This is how we wash our hair, wash our hair, wash our hair...

Part of the process includes using this wide toothed comb to be sure that the product is distributed evenly throughout your hair.


Guess how much it is.

Guess.

C'mon, guess.

$5.00, you say?

Nope.

$7.00?

Nope.

FIFTEEN DOLLARS!

For a freakin' plastic comb.

Here's the one I use.


I bought it at the dollar store.

For a DOLLAR!

AND mine has multiple uses.







Have you ever seen SUCH volume?

Hey, you know what? Since you're such a good friend, I'll let you take this comb off my hands for just $9.95.


**ADDENDUM
Sorry, I didn't mean to leave you hanging. I love love love WEN! My hair is so soft but it still has body. Even my hairdresser noticed a change and I hadn't even told her about it.



Oh geez, now I sound like an infomercial!

What would you do?

If you woke up and saw this in your front yard?

One of my neighbors down the street was startled to open their front blinds to see this in their neighbor's yard. She called the police who very casually walked up to it and shook it.

It turns out it was a tarp that had rolled itself up and landed on the lawn from the heavy winds the night before. Case closed.

Stripper Chick Wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.


"Ignore the people who tell you not to play the victim.

You've had a hard life. "

Monday Morning Millie, Vinny and Dino

"Are you our new Daddy?"

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

"Do boys make passes at girls who wear glasses?"

Original Post Date, June 15, 2009



I think it’s important to test the market occasionally to measure the viability of what you’re trying to sell. I’m selling me, myself and I so I thought I would try the same unscientific experiment that I utilized in February.
I discovered this dating website that lets you post a picture of yourself and have the site users “rate” you. Back in February, I decided to post a picture of myself after I cut 8 inches off my hair. You can see the results here.
I don’t really pay much attention to how the women voted because hey, women are bitches. 
This time around, I wanted to see if boys really do make passes at girls who wear glasses. As you can see from the figures below, I didn’t fare a whole lot different than when I wasn’t wearing glasses.

MEN

Average (77 votes) 6.31

18-25 (18 votes) 5.61

26-32 (15 votes) 5.53

33-40 (15 votes) 7.33

41+ (29 votes) 6.62

WOMEN

Average (6 votes) 5.33

18-25 (2 votes) 6.5

26-32 (0 votes)

33-40 (2 votes) 4.5

41+ (2 votes) 5

However, to take it one step further, the first time around, my inbox was inundated with introductory emails from men interested in getting to know me. Okay, inundated might be an exaggeration but there were a whole bunch.
Interestingly enough, this time I only got 5 emails in the same weekend time frame. So, let’s analyze this. They obviously think my “attractiveness” factor was the same as Chrissy sans glasses, so why the disparity?

Do I look more intelligent? Is it that men want to be in relationships with women they don’t have to talk to and that I look like I might jump into a discussion of quantum physics or worse yet, ask him what he’s feeling?


Do I look less intelligent? Does my spectacled face bring back memories of nerdy Lisa Loopner?




Maybe they're just not buying what I'm selling anymore...

Nahhhhh! It was the perfect segue, though, wasn't it?

One....two....three....four.....

I either have too many leashes or not enough dogs.

Am I smarter than a 1st grader?

I think I’m getting dumber as I age. Or is it, more dumb? Either way, I just don’t feel as mentally sharp as I used to. I think I smell worse, too, but that’s another discussion.

I have always prided myself on being able to think on my feet and complete tasks with both speed and accuracy. Maybe it’s just an inevitable consequence of aging, but I feel like I’m thinking slower than before. I’m not quite to the “riding the short bus” level of slowness but I won’t be applying for “Jeopardy” any time soon, either.

 

I was off last Monday, lying on my couch in the middle of the afternoon, watching TV. There was something about people living on disability and so I googled “Disability for mental illness” thinking it might be a good career move for my decreasing intelligence.

I reviewed the eligibility categories:

Schizophrenia – I’m pretty sure I don’t have this but I do have Quadrophenia by The Who

Mental retardation - I had this once when I dated a guy that I was pretty sure had killed his last girlfriend and buried her in the backyard. It passed when we broke up.

Anxiety - Thank you, Prozac.

  

Depression -  See above.

Substance abuse disorders - I’m working on this one as I type.

I fell asleep in the middle of filling out the application and I woke to a commercial talking about improving my brain.

It was touting the benefits of a website called Lumosity. This cognitive training website was developed by neuroscientists to help improve your mental abilities. I was intrigued and bored enough to give it a look-see.

The first thing I always want to know is how much something costs. Lumosity offers a three day trial, which only after you sign up, allows you to access the pricing scale. I’ll share it with you here since I signed up. C’mon, you know I’m a sucker for FREE:

1 month $14.95

Yearly $6.70/month, billed in one installment of $80.40.

Two years $4.49/month, billed in one installment of $107.76

Or Lifetime for $299.95 which would be a good deal, if we all weren’t all going to be dead on December 21, 2012 as the Mayan calendar professes.

You start by answering some simple questions about memory, attention, speed, flexibility and problem solving. The allows Lumosity to create a personalized training program just for you. I had fun with the 3 day trial so I decided to sign up for a month.

There's a page called The Science behind Lumosity where they talk about all the scientific studies that have been done showing how cognitive training extends beyond the actual game itself into real life. I think everyone can draw their own conclusions.

I, for one, think the results have been amazing. I mean, just the other day I......wait, what was I talking about?

Monday Morning Vinny & Dino

Vinny, "Hey, wanna hear a secret?"

Dino, "Yeah...yeah...what?"

Vinny, "You're an idiot."

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

"For Sale by Owner"

Original Post Date, May 17, 2010


I've only used Craigslist a few times before to sell some larger items that are too big to list and ship on eBay. I've heard all the horror stories about the dangers of having someone come to your home to buy something but I have a foolproof plan that's worked in the past.

I always list things that "we" are selling.

We no longer need this...

We replaced this with a new one...

When they call my cell phone (never my home phone), I give them a few different times that they can come over to buy said item. I tell them that I might not be there but that my husband probably will.

If picking up the item requires them to set foot inside my house, I put a pair of men's work boots that I purchased at the Goodwill outside the door and hang a man's coat on the railing that goes upstairs.


That's right. My husband is a logger in suburban Cleveland.

I either run the shower and leave the door open so they can hear it or I play music loudly upstairs. Hubby is preoccupied and can't come down.

You may be laughing but hey, it's kept me from being robbed and/or killed so shut it! It probably helps that I'm not selling anything so valuable that anyone would go crazy over it.

After I listed my item, I started peeking around Craigslist to see what other people were selling and I found a whole lotta stuff I can live without.


1963 Ford


2003 Jeep Grand Cherokee-needs some work


Coffee mug warmer, $1.00


Antique sink, $40


Raggedy Ann & Andy mugs, $5


Dozer, John Deere, $32,000


Retro kitchen table, $250


Goofy phone, $45

And one item I might need to go buy with my husband:


Oh, yeah...

C Cleveland

And the tradition continues...

For the last 54 years, Ron and Betty Manolio of Lyndhurst,Ohio, (the city I moved back to!) have created an Easter wonderland of painted eggs in their front yard. In 1957, the first display was a simple cross fashioned out of 750 eggs.

As you can see from this year's sign, it's grown quite a bit over the years.

This year's display includes The Muppets and Mario and Luigi.

 Miss Piggy and her Kermie

Mario and Luigi

Remember "the critics" from the balcony?

A staple of the display each year is the Cross.

I know you might be thinking that these are plastic eggs but they're not! Ron makes a hole the size of a dime in the egg and Betty shakes out the contents. They wash the shells, trim the edges of the hole and paint them. They store them by color and reuse them each year. Of course, since they're real eggs, they break about 1500 a year just through handling. Since it is Cleveland, the weather doesn't always work in their favor and they've lost eggs to hail, snow and rain. This has been a stellar year of great weather so losses were at a minimum.

Thanks for the labor of love, Ron and Betty!

Pee Free!

Day four and counting...

Please be responsible!

There are a group of us Dog Mommies at work who don't have children but probably share more stories and photos of our dogs than most people share of their kids.

This is a sad event that happened to one of the Dog Mommies, Marianne, when she took her beloved Rizzo to the local dog park. I don't understand why pet owners are not more aware of what their dogs are doing at all times. Pets are not just something cute to have, they are a responsibility. If you are not going to be responsible, don't have a pet.

Do you have four of these, please?

You know I never talk about work because I don't want to get fired for what I might have to say. (Even though it would all be good...wink...wink...) Well, suffice to say that work has been CA-RA-ZY lately so all I want to do when I come home is hang with my baby, Lem, short for lemon drop martini.

Oh and the kids, too. Sometimes, I don't even want to hear people talking on the TV. I just want quiet. No one bitching or moaning or complaining. And I had forgotten how incredibly quiet this neighborhood is. My mother used to bitch about it. "There's nothing going on here. I think a man walked by with his dog today but that was it."

I, on the other hand, lived on a busy street with lots of action. People, kids, dogs, cars, sirens. You name it. After a while, it all kind of became background noise but when you remove yourself from that environment, the quiet is overwhelming. In my case,  it's overwhelmingly good. The backyard is pretty long and the houses all border the soccer fields. My elementary school used to sit back there but over the years, enrollment dwindled and they decided to tear it down.

Since it's not soccer season yet, there's not much action besides the occasional guy hitting golf balls, deer foraging for food or dogs chasing frisbees. My evenings have left me lots of time to be introspective and as I look around at many of my still unpacked boxes, I realize that I still have a ton of shit!

Remember a few years back , when I was frustrated that none of my stuff matched and so I signed up for a bridal registry at Bed Bath & Beyond to marry my dog? You know, it's funny, they still send  coupons to me and my partner, Bernie Beegehl.

Anyway, now I have even more unmatched shit since I inherited all of my mother's stuff. I finally broke down and hauled most of it to the resale shop. I had been using my grandmother's Noritake gold rimmed china and goldplated flatware for years and decided it was time for something a little more day to day. And something that didn't spark in the microwave.

Ta-dah! It was hard to take a flash picture without it looking swirly, swirly but you get the idea.

Here's my first dinner guest. I think he really appreciated the coordination.

Over here!

Most of us in the blogging community use some sort of counter to see how many people are visiting our blogs. The one that I use also gives you a breakdown of recent phrases that are used in Google searches.

Because of my blog title, people navigate to me through some interesting channels. I had so much fun with this before that I thought I would list some more.

1. Cat watching porn. Hey, it was just an image. I respect their privacy enough to not talk about it.

2. Old man stripping on a pole. One word. Why???

3. Hairy woman ass. Really? People are searching for that??

4. Kim Basinger in nylons.  Oooo...if you find this, please send me the link! You known she was my first girl crush.

5.  Gross man boobs. I think the word 'gross' here is unnecessary, don't you?

Monday Morning Vinny

For those of you who don't know our history, I adopted Vinny from my parents' neighbors about a year and a half ago. I was never a cat person but this little guy endeared himself to me every day when I would come to visit my terminally ill father. Vinny was an outdoor cat and he would show his affection by leaving dead mice that would greet me on the doorstep on my way out of the house.

A few months after Dad passed away, I was outside petting Vinny when, Andy, the owner came home. I jokingly said, "One day I'm going to steal this cat" to which he responded, "Would you, please?"

It turned out that he and his wife were having their third child and didn't want to keep Vinny anymore. I immediately said I would take him, even though I didn't know if he would get along with Bernie and I had no clue how to take care of a cat. I knew I wanted to make him an indoor cat since I lived on a main road and would have spent all of my days worrying about whether he would get hit by a car.

We struggled a bit at first with Vinny peeing in the house in places where he shouldn't. Then he was fine. Then he developed FIC, feline idiopathic cystitis, and he started peeing all over the house again. We got that under control and it was time to move.

In the month or so that we've been in the new house,  I was thrilled with how well everyone settled in. Until about a week ago, when Vinny started peeing again. At first it was in the shower in the basement that I use and I thought, 'Well, if he's going to go, at least I can just wash it away."

Then it was in the family room. On my new carpet. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I was at my wit's end. I couldn't go through ruining my rugs and furniture again and the smell....the SMELL!!! There didn't seem to be a reason why he would be doing it so the thought crossed my mind to get rid of him. But you guys know how much I love my Vin Vin!! I decided to try one more thing.

Yesterday, Vinny spent 30 minutes talking to a pet psychic.

I know....I know....it seems a little unconventional and odd but hey, I'm unconventional and odd.

I wasn't really sure what to expect when I called. Vinny was sleeping next to me and I said, "Should I put the phone next to his head?"

No, no, she responded, I will just connect to him telepathically. As she started talking, Vinny's tail started flipping up and down. She talked to him for 30 minutes. She asked him questions about why he was peeing, if he knew why we moved to a new house and what he thought of the dogs when they bark alot. His response? "I think they're stupid!" Well, that certainly sounded like something he would say.

I tried to keep an open mind but admittedly, the whole thing was more than a little strange. She did say some things that were interesting. She said that Vinny smelled another dog in the house but that there hadn't been another dog living in the house for at least 20 years. Which was completely accurate.

Then when she asked him if he had anything else to say, he said, "Tell my Mommy that I want more Friskies Party Mix, the crunchy kind." You guys! Vinny will ONLY eat the crunchy Party Mix. Coincidence that she said that? Maybe...

She asked if I wanted her to talk to the dogs and I said, "Sure, let's see what Dino has to say." I had told her nothing about either dog. She said that Dino had separation anxiety and that he was upset because he didn't have anything that was just his. It was either a hand me down or he had to share. Then she said that he was a goofy character. Um, YES!

I guess time will tell if this psychic encounter changes Vinny's behavior. Fingers crossed!