Secondhand Sunday

I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I'm re-posting a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"ARE YOU A VAMPIRE?"

Original Post Date, October 16, 2009


I've never been a morning person.

Ever.

In fact, when I was in kindergarten, our class was divided into the morning group and the afternoon group. By some miracle of fate, I was in the afternoon group and was given the false hope that I could sleep until 10:00 all throughout my academic career. What a rude awakening when I entered the first grade.

And it's been a series of disappointments ever since. Expectations of being on time for class, work, church, jury duty, court, sentencing, community service...where does it stop?

I worked in retail management for about 10 years and it was perfect for my "night owl syndrome". When no one else wanted to work nights, I happily volunteered.

Lots of people experience mid-life career changes so I've been exploring a variety of different options that will afford me the flexibility I'm looking for to indulge my sleep patterns and I think I've found it.

I'm going to be a vampire.

Actually, I might already be one.

I was flipping through my 5000 cable channels last week and I came across a woman who was discussing Vampirism and the study of Vampirology.

She explained that unlike the vampires of folkore and dark movie theaters, that real vampires (yes, she said real) don't necessarily drink blood but instead have an extraordinary ability to manipulate life force energy. Vampires are not likely to be intentionally malevolent, however, their inability to recognize this can cause harm to themselves or others. She also claimed that most of us know at least one vampire.

Think about that for a minute.

Here are some of the characteristics of vampires that I think I might possess.

1) They have inverted circadian rhythms; the internal clock that regulates biological processes in a 24 hour period. They're usually known as "night owls".

Check.

2) They are unpredictable, moody, temperamental and overwhelming.

Check.
Check.
Check.
And Check.

3) Some real vampires are attracted to blood and find different means for attaining it. Well, I don't like blood, per se, but I'm always up for a Bloody Mary.

Check.

4) They're photosensitive and sunburn easily. Next to Nicole Kidman, I am THE most Caucasian person you will ever meet.

Check.

5) Their relationships tend to be disasters because of their self-centered natures. See blog.

CHECK.

6) They may go through jobs and lovers like Kleenex.

Check.

7) They have a talent for attracting attention. Case in point, Jim. And the guy who restocks the pop bottles at work.

Check.

So it's settled then. I'll give my notice on Monday.



I wonder if they have dental?