Anything goes

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I think we all have that friend that we can talk to about anything. And when I say anything, I don't mean the fight you got into with your boyfriend or how the girl you work with has no sense of style.
I mean poop.
As I mentioned yesterday, Operation Boobs Be Gone started this week. Over the weekend, I thought about doing The Master Cleanse or Lemonade Diet, as it's sometimes called. It's used for weight loss and detoxification and this is what you consume 6-12 times a day for a minimum of 10 days:
  1. 2 tablespoons of freshly squeezed lemon juice.
  2. 2 tablespoons of maple syrup. The REAL stuff. Sorry, Aunt Jemima.
  3. 1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
  4. 10 oz. of water
In addition to this, each morning  you do a salt water flush. To do this, you mix 2 teaspoons of sea salt with a 1 liter of water and drink the whole thing. This is your laxative for the day.
Now you may be wondering why I'm telling you what the Master Cleanse consists of, if I didn't actually start it.
That's easy.
It's because I've done it before and I wanted you to be impressed. Okay, let's move on.
I'm basically doing an Atkins kind of thing and I wanted to "clean myself out" before I got started. I've been eating absolute crap (no pun intended) lately and I figured it was a good thing to do since I'm making a fresh start.
So this friend of mine that I can talk to about anything has been on pain pills following a surgery. If you've ever been on pain pills for any amount of time, you know that they totally STOP. YOU. UP.
So that I don't embarrass her, let's call her Mangela.
So Mangela went to the pharmacy to ask what she could do to unstop herself. The pharmacist suggested magnesium citrate.
And, voila! All was right with the world again.
Now, you know I've used various things to relieve myself of this problem before (this will refresh your memory) but I didn't have the luxury of time or a trip to the colon hydrotherapist so I asked Mangela to remind me what it was she had taken.
I hate swallowing stuff that tastes gross (Shut it! This is a family show) but she assured me that if I bought the cherry flavor that it would taste like Kool-Aid. It actually wasn't too bad. Way sweet, though!
"Be careful. It works!", she warned in a text.
Perfect! I asked her if she meant overnight and she said, "Nope, in a few hours."
I took it at 8PM since I'm up late anyway. I drank half the bottle and then the second half as Mangela instructed.
And then I waited.
And waited.
Remember the Colon Blow cereal commercial from Saturday Night Live?
Yeah, it was kinda like that.
Well at least it worked. For an hour.

And then again this morning.
I emailed Mangela.

"Why am I still pooping?", I asked.
"Oh, right. It will be like that for about 4 days. Just don't fart or you might poop yourself."
If you need me, I'll be available on Friday. 


  1. My dear Chrissy,

    The gist of some of your semi-public confessions are more than what is expected. There is an old long joke about a tent revival, and people announcing their peccadillos and transgressions. After the last one, concerning goats, a voice from the back is heard, "i don't think i woulda told dat one".

  2. STELLAR post, Chrissy!

    And as you already know, TMI is one of my favorite topics so I LOVED this!!!

    Do you know what works for me? Plain old coffee, I kid you not. Whenever I'm feeling constipated (which is hardly ever because I'm VERY regular) all I have to do is drink half a cup of java, and VIOLA! Poopie!

    "I hate swallowing stuff that tastes gross (Shut it! This is a family show)"

    Bwhahahhahahaha! You are too damn funny, girl!


    P.S And now I have to go over and watch that SNL commercial because I've seen it!

  3. @V, really S,
    HA HA! Too much?

    Coffee, really? I didn't know that. This stuff was pretty hard core. I'm all set for a colonoscopy now!

    I miss Phil Hartman so much. He was brilliant! So sad to have lost him so young.

  4. I spose we all need someone to "Go There" with.

    Phil Hartman was amazing. "News Radio" is available on one of the free smart channels. I watched a couple episodes recently.

  5. @Simply Suthern,
    I guess most share with their spouses but well, you know.

    I'll have to look for that. I haven't seen those episodes in years.

  6. I've sharted more times than i care to remember. Sucks.

  7. Well....that's sure one way to do it. Might I suggest moving the TV to the bathroom - quickly now, no time to waste.

  8. @Anonymous,
    Sharted. That's funny. But only in name.

    Why didn't I think of that?

  9. lol!! What are friends for if you can't share a little personal info like that? Also, filing this away incase I need to clean the pipes so to speak. lol :)

  10. Hope the cleansing is progressing well!

    Yolanda from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills does the Master Cleanse. In fact, there was a medium-grade controversy when another cast member flaked out about coming over to her Malibu crib to Cleanse with her.

    I now squeeze fresh lemon juice into my water a couple times a day, after having read about all the amazing health benefits it brings. Lemons - who knew?

  11. OMG, thanks for the laugh out loud moment.

    Four days huh? That would be great if I had four days to give to the porcelain throne.

  12. @Thehouseofhale,
    Exactly! And what better place than the internet to share this info, too!

    You should! It's inexpensive, too.

    @The Roving Retorter,

    Those housewives are a trip!

    Yes, lemons are magical.


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