As My World Turns

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I got some terrible news yesterday. My neighbors, who have been married for 27 years and have two kids, are getting a divorce. It's terrible not because of the demise of a long marriage or because it will affect the children.

It's terrible because my neighbor, Jim, has the hots for me.

It started right after I moved in. I had met the widowed woman whose house I bought and she told me, "Jim next door has been a great help to me since my husband died last year." I thought, well, that's nice. He and his wife came over to welcome me and he said, "If there's anything you need, just let me know."

Apparently, they were close to the family who lived in my home because there's a gate leading from their yard into mine. Every time I was outside or would drive up from work, it was like Jim could smell me. Or maybe the GPS device he put under my car alerted him.

"Hi Christine!" and through the gate he would come.

After I adopted Bernie in 2007, it escalated. Bernie had a huge separation anxiety problem when I brought her home and she would howl and bark all day long. I worried that my neighbors on the opposite side would call the police since the husband works nights but they were fine.

I had given Jim my cell phone number and he called and left a message one afternoon.

"Hi Christine! It's Jim. Bernie's been barking all day. It doesn't look like she's done any damage, though, everything seems to be in order."

That's right. He was looking in my windows. And then he was upset that I didn’t call him back. “Didn’t you get my message? You didn’t call me back.” It got to the point where I hated coming home after work.

"Hi Christine! You were up late last night. Have trouble sleeping?"

"Hi Christine! You look nice today. I like your hair, your skirt, your glasses, your purse. You're so beautiful. Have you lost weight....." on and on and on.

I think my breaking point was when a friend who I had dated the year before came over to fix my lawn mower. As soon as Erik pulled into the driveway, I heard Jim's back door open.

"Hi Christine! Problem with your lawn mower?" as he opened the gate and came into the yard to check out Erik. I had told Erik about Jim so he wasn't very fond of him.

They had a pissing contest trying to deduce the problem with the lawn mower.

"I think it's this."

"No, maybe you should check that."

"Noooo....I already checked that. I'm sure it's this."

After Erik left, Jim came back over and said, "Was that White Truck?" Erik drove a white truck and used to stay over the house a lot.

I finally confronted Jim a few days later when I got home from work and was slipping my bra off under my blouse as he appeared at my deck door.

“Hi Christine!”

I told him that I valued his family as neighbors but that I thought he had crossed the line with his incessant calling and dropping by to "borrow some Windex." Of course, by then, I was no longer able to rationally discuss it and did everything short of shooting a gun off and telling him to get off my dang property 'fore I call the sheriff.

He slunk away and I didn't hear from him again for about 4 or 5 months. I knew then that I hadn't overreacted because an innocent person would have apologized immediately and told me that I had misinterpreted their advances.

We've made nice since then, maintaining a cordial distance but lately the calls have started up again.

"Hi Christine! I just wanted to let you know that I got a piece of your mail."

Well, then put it in my mailbox!

"Okay, thanks Jim. I'm not home(thank God)so go ahead and drop it in the box."

I was outside working in the yard yesterday when I heard the squeak of the gate door and could sense Jim moving closer.

"Hi Christine! I just wanted to let you know that Doris and I are getting a divorce."

Immediately, I pictured a For Sale sign going up in their yard. Jim will probably try to call me after he moves but I'll change my number. Yeah, that's it. I'll change my number.

Then, a handsome, single guy will move in and we'll start dating. We’ll fall in love and have to sell one of our houses…

I snapped back to reality, "Oh, no, Jim. I'm so sorry."

"Doris will be moving out but I'll be staying here with the kids."

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!the voice screamed out in my head as I replied,"Oh, I see."

I heard myself saying, "Let me know if you need anything," as the voice in my head shouted repeatedly, Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut UP!

Okay, God, what did I do to deserve this?

Is it because I took Your name in vain? You know, it really hurt when I walked into that wooden table and broke my baby toe.

Or is it because I tempted a man to commit adultery? I was 23 and he told me he was divorced. He also told me he loved me, which I believed. C’mon, I was 23.

And yes…yes…I admit. I coveted my neighbor’s donkey.

But aren’t you a loving, forgiving God? Isn’t there some other sort of penance I can perform?

Maybe I could eat ice cream without taking my Lactaid pill first?

Or date ugly guys?

Sit through an entire hockey game?

Pay full retail price?

I know we can work this out.


  1. You don't love me? You really don't love me?


  2. Wow, this plays out like a bad sitcom with no end. And it looks like you've been renewed for another season. Have you considered gaining an inordinate amount of weight to sully your attractive quotient to this horndog?

  3. I have a great idea....

    ...get Bernie a ferocious St. Bernard halloween mask and then teach her how to growl and foam at the mouth...

    ..and then rename her Cujo!

  4. I like MVD's idea. Just get really fat. Think of the fun you could have in the meantime, eating all that ice cream and donuts and stuff.

  5. If you want to keep him out of your yard, just plant some landmines along the fence line. I know a good landmine guy, who could get you a great discount. It works for North and South Korea.

  6. You're right Jim. I do love you. I've been waiting three long years for this.

  7. MVD & Chris,

    Eating and getting fat won't work. Although, it would be fun to try. I've probably already gained at least 10-15 pounds since I moved in.

    It's no use, I'm irresistable.

  8. Ron,
    That's so funny. You've seen Bernie. What you see is what you get. She's Miss Mellow but when Jim comes over with his standard Poodle, I call Bernie, Cujo, because she growls and barks.

  9. Good point, Chrissy. In the most cruel of ironies, you could spend months gorging yourself on chocolate cupcakes, only to determine that Jim is a voluptuous chubby chaser.

    Stay fit.

  10. Good idea, Judge, but I don't want body parts messing up my deck. It's Trex and very hard to clean.

    I was going to plant some Arborvitae RIGHT in front of the gate. Too obvious?

  11. Next time he creeps over, just casually mention your "scorching" case of herpes. *WARNING This doesnt't dissuade every man*
    Judge Fudge, nice comment.

  12. You could always tell him you prefer women. No wait, that might be a bigger turn on for him...

  13. Ick!

    Unwanted advances are the worst. I'm sure part of him was hoping you'd leap joyously at the news of him soon being "available".

    Some day, this will boil down to a "you know I'm not interested in you, right?" conversation. And THAT will be an interesting post as well.

    Nice blog!


  14. You know, Carlos, somehow I don't think that would phase him..

  15. Travel Girl,
    I think you're right. That would totally backfire and bite me. He's a part time photographer so I could hear it now, "Why don't we do a photo shoot? Just you, me and your Lady Friend?"

    As Pearl said, ICK.

  16. Yes, Pearl, I could see that he was waiting for me to hug him or something. I just stood there holding my hedge clippers in front of me.

    You're funny. That WILL be the conversation! Thanks for stopping by. Hope to see you again!

  17. omg, came over for windex. LMFAO...

    first time here, great blog!

  18. Hi Stacie,
    YES! Windex. God's honest truth. We live a mile from a CVS. Get your ass in the car and go buy some.
    Thanks for stopping by. Hope to see you again!

  19. Hey Chrissy,
    This is my first time reading your site. I've been looking for some good writing for about 2 hours and I finally found it. Honestly Jim sounds like one of those sitcom neighbors.
    I just started my first site, and it'd be awesome if you could give me some tips or advice.

    Thank ya,

  20. Hi Johnnie,
    Thanks for the kind words. Yes, my life is a sitcom.
    I'll definitely stop over tonight and check out your site. See you soon!

  21. He probably washes his pants with that Windex, so he can 'see you in 'em.'

    *wink wink*


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