Ahhhhhh....the sweet smell of feet. Almost as good as ass.
Monday Morning Bernie & Millie
Monday, June 13, 2011
Ahhhhhh....the sweet smell of feet. Almost as good as ass.
The first step is admitting you have a problem
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
It’s springtime.
The time of year when a young girl's thoughts turn to summer romances...
... and a middle aged woman's thoughts turn to dieting...
If you’ve followed this middle aged woman for a while, you know that my thoughts turn to dieting way more than once a year. I’ve tried every diet book and infomercial on the market in pursuit of the elusive “goal weight.” Dieting has been a lifelong pastime for me every since I went to modeling school at 13 and was told that my 128 pound, 5’9 body could stand to lose a few pounds. And honestly, over the years, I never really had more than 10-15 pounds to shed but in my ignorant little head, it may has well have been 50.
Well, guess what? It’s now 50!
I’ve gained most of it over the last year. I’ve always been a stress eater but I never gained weight so I never saw it as a problem. I started on an antidepressant when Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in September of 2009. I think the combination of that, oh and eating like a horse, contributed to the gradual creepage of pounds. When I tell people what I weigh, they generally don’t believe it until they look down at my chest and see that at least 20 pounds are sitting there. Curiously enough, when I was in my early 20’s, I went for a plastic surgery consultation to “enhance” my figure. No need for that now.
A few days ago, I ran into a physician friend of mine that I haven’t seen since my skinny days. I made a preemptive strike and said, “Yes, I’ve gained a bunch of weight” but I don’t really think he heard me because he was too busy staring at my chest. Long story, short, he was telling me about this diet that he puts his patients on and I decided to try it.
It’s called the hCG Diet.
I have to admit that my first brief encounter with this diet was an afternoon at home, flipping through day time television from one mindless show to another.
“I lost 20 pounds in 30 days!”
That’s all I needed to hear to make me put the remote down and listen.
“I didn’t exercise at all.”
What?? Losing 20 pounds in 30 days and NOT having to exercise?
What? It’s a million dollars to sign up? Can I write you a check?
Here's the basic concept.
hCG, or Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, is a hormone naturally produced by the placenta in pregnant women and it controls the metabolic function through the hypothalamus. The hCG used in the diet is a variation of the hCG that is created in labs from sterile cells and used in fertility treatments so don't worry, no pregnant women were harmed for this diet.
Patients take a daily dose of the hCG and follow what is know as a VLCD, or Very Low Calorie Diet. No, I didn’t make that up. That’s actually the medical term for it unlike when I made up my medical diagnosis of F-A-T.
The day before I started, I shamelessly ate like an addict going to rehab.
"Yes, that's two Big Macs, large fries and an Rolo McFlurry". Can you believe those McBastards introduced a new flavor the week I started this?
Here’s the diet.
Breakfast:
Tea or coffee in any quantity without sugar. Only one tablespoonful of milk allowed in 24 hours. Saccharin or Stevia may be used.
Lunch:
1. 3.5 oz. of veal, beef, chicken breast, fresh white fish, lobster, crab, or shrimp. All visible fat must be carefully removed before cooking, and the meat must be weighed raw. It must be boiled or grilled without additional fat. Salmon, eel, tuna, herring, dried or pickled fish are not allowed. The chicken breast must be removed from the bird.
2. One type of vegetable only to be chosen from the following: spinach, chard, chicory, beet-greens, green salad, tomatoes, celery, fennel, onions, red radishes, cucumbers, asparagus, cabbage.
3. One Melba toast.
4. An apple, orange, or a handful of strawberries or one-half grapefruit.
Dinner :
The same four choices as lunch (above.)
The basic concept is that hCG causes your hypothalamus to mobilize the stored fat so that it’s available for use. While you are only consuming 500 calories, your hypothalamus is continually releasing the fat stored in your body. Because of this, your body is actually operating on thousands of calories a day.
Do I really buy into it? I'm not sure but I do know that I'm desperate enough to try it. Here's my diary for the first few days.
Day One: Felt a little hungry in the morning but after I drank some iced tea, it seemed to have passed. I made a chicken breast on the grill (3.5 oz is SMALL) and was pleasantly surprised by how full I was after lunch. I followed the program perfectly and I don't think I'll have a problem with it!
Day Two: Had my apple for breakfast and then had another 3.5 oz piece of chicken for lunch along with 3 stalks of asparagus and a Melba toast.
4PM, starving. Death is inevitable.
Okay, so this may be a little more challenging than I anticipated but I'm takin' it one day at a time.
The time of year when a young girl's thoughts turn to summer romances...
... and a middle aged woman's thoughts turn to dieting...
If you’ve followed this middle aged woman for a while, you know that my thoughts turn to dieting way more than once a year. I’ve tried every diet book and infomercial on the market in pursuit of the elusive “goal weight.” Dieting has been a lifelong pastime for me every since I went to modeling school at 13 and was told that my 128 pound, 5’9 body could stand to lose a few pounds. And honestly, over the years, I never really had more than 10-15 pounds to shed but in my ignorant little head, it may has well have been 50.
Well, guess what? It’s now 50!
I’ve gained most of it over the last year. I’ve always been a stress eater but I never gained weight so I never saw it as a problem. I started on an antidepressant when Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in September of 2009. I think the combination of that, oh and eating like a horse, contributed to the gradual creepage of pounds. When I tell people what I weigh, they generally don’t believe it until they look down at my chest and see that at least 20 pounds are sitting there. Curiously enough, when I was in my early 20’s, I went for a plastic surgery consultation to “enhance” my figure. No need for that now.
A few days ago, I ran into a physician friend of mine that I haven’t seen since my skinny days. I made a preemptive strike and said, “Yes, I’ve gained a bunch of weight” but I don’t really think he heard me because he was too busy staring at my chest. Long story, short, he was telling me about this diet that he puts his patients on and I decided to try it.
It’s called the hCG Diet.
I have to admit that my first brief encounter with this diet was an afternoon at home, flipping through day time television from one mindless show to another.
“I lost 20 pounds in 30 days!”
That’s all I needed to hear to make me put the remote down and listen.
“I didn’t exercise at all.”
What?? Losing 20 pounds in 30 days and NOT having to exercise?
What? It’s a million dollars to sign up? Can I write you a check?
Here's the basic concept.
hCG, or Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, is a hormone naturally produced by the placenta in pregnant women and it controls the metabolic function through the hypothalamus. The hCG used in the diet is a variation of the hCG that is created in labs from sterile cells and used in fertility treatments so don't worry, no pregnant women were harmed for this diet.
Patients take a daily dose of the hCG and follow what is know as a VLCD, or Very Low Calorie Diet. No, I didn’t make that up. That’s actually the medical term for it unlike when I made up my medical diagnosis of F-A-T.
The day before I started, I shamelessly ate like an addict going to rehab.
"Yes, that's two Big Macs, large fries and an Rolo McFlurry". Can you believe those McBastards introduced a new flavor the week I started this?
Here’s the diet.
Breakfast:
Tea or coffee in any quantity without sugar. Only one tablespoonful of milk allowed in 24 hours. Saccharin or Stevia may be used.
Lunch:
1. 3.5 oz. of veal, beef, chicken breast, fresh white fish, lobster, crab, or shrimp. All visible fat must be carefully removed before cooking, and the meat must be weighed raw. It must be boiled or grilled without additional fat. Salmon, eel, tuna, herring, dried or pickled fish are not allowed. The chicken breast must be removed from the bird.
2. One type of vegetable only to be chosen from the following: spinach, chard, chicory, beet-greens, green salad, tomatoes, celery, fennel, onions, red radishes, cucumbers, asparagus, cabbage.
3. One Melba toast.
4. An apple, orange, or a handful of strawberries or one-half grapefruit.
Dinner :
The same four choices as lunch (above.)
The basic concept is that hCG causes your hypothalamus to mobilize the stored fat so that it’s available for use. While you are only consuming 500 calories, your hypothalamus is continually releasing the fat stored in your body. Because of this, your body is actually operating on thousands of calories a day.
Do I really buy into it? I'm not sure but I do know that I'm desperate enough to try it. Here's my diary for the first few days.
Day One: Felt a little hungry in the morning but after I drank some iced tea, it seemed to have passed. I made a chicken breast on the grill (3.5 oz is SMALL) and was pleasantly surprised by how full I was after lunch. I followed the program perfectly and I don't think I'll have a problem with it!
Day Two: Had my apple for breakfast and then had another 3.5 oz piece of chicken for lunch along with 3 stalks of asparagus and a Melba toast.
4PM, starving. Death is inevitable.
Okay, so this may be a little more challenging than I anticipated but I'm takin' it one day at a time.
Blogger, what did I ever do to you??
I STILL can't reply to comments or leave comments for any of you. And I know it's not just me because I see that a few of you have posted the same thing. Of course, I can't even reply to say, "Me, too!!"
Monday Morning Vinny
Monday, June 6, 2011
"Cool your jets, Mommy-O. You'll get your cell phone back as soon as the dog catcher returns my call."
Under the knife?
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Yesterday, I took Miss Millie for the surgical evaluation of her torn ACL. We made the 45 minute trip to the specialist and when we got there, Millie was sure to let everyone in the waiting room and inner offices know that there was a Beagle in the house.
AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once we got in the exam room, she sniffed around trying to determine what the heck we were doing there. And then, of course, she had to let everyone know where said Beagle from the lobby was.
AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Surgeon came in and rolled his stool close to me while he asked me about Millie. I explained to him that I had rescued her from the Portage County dog pound and that I realized a few days later, that I had inherited a dog with a football injury.
He leaned in, “My goodness..” and placed his hand on my knee.
Now, normally I would have shot him my “WTF?’ look but hey, ACL surgeries are pretty expensive so I allowed it just in case we needed a discount or payment plan which they clearly didn’t offer as noted on the signs in the waiting room.
“Why don’t you walk her down the hall so I can take a look?” he said.
Oh geez, I thought to myself, are you going to take a look at Millie or me?
“Maybe you would like to take her?” I offered.
“No, then I won’t be able to watch her walk”.
Oh geez. I slooowly walked down the long hallway so that my booty wouldn’t bounce on the way down and the girls wouldn’t bounce on the way back.
The guy touched ME more through the evaluation than he touched Millie but GUESS WHAT??
Since I've been giving her an over the counter joint supplement, she's improved so much that the vet doesn't think she'll need surgery at all! We just need to cut back on our treats so she can lose a few pounds.
AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?!?!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Not sure what's going on but for some reason, I can't respond to any comments!!
Secondhand Sunday
Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.
If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.
"OH, WHAT SHALL I BE?"
Original Post Date, September 4, 2009
When I was a little girl, one of my favorite games was called "What Shall I Be?"
This exciting game showed us all the options that were available for the aspiring career girl in 1972.
The most helpful thing was that you could look at your personal attributes and weed through the careers to find the one you were best suited for.
You are emotional: Good for Model and Actress
You failed biology: Bad for Teacher and Nurse
You have a nice smile: Good for Airline Hostess and Model
You are overweight: Bad for Airline Hostess, Ballet Dancer and Model
You are pretty: Good for Model and Actress
You are clumsy: Bad for Airline Hostess, Ballet Dancer, Model and Nurse
You are friendly: Good for Airline Hostess, Nurse and Teacher
You are a slow thinker: Bad for Airline Hostess and Nurse
You are calm in an emergency: Good for Airline Hostess, Nurse and Teacher
You get too excited: Bad for Airline Hostess and Nurse
Oh, the dreams that were available to us as young ladies...
What a crock of shit!
The years I wasted when I could have had this lovely as my role model.
"She starts dancing when the music starts and goes up and down and round and round."
The personality cards would still be helpful for choosing the right career.
You would be a great pole dancer if:
You are pretty
You aren't clumsy
You failed biology
You are a slow thinker
You have a nice smile
We've come a long way, baby.
If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.
"OH, WHAT SHALL I BE?"
Original Post Date, September 4, 2009
When I was a little girl, one of my favorite games was called "What Shall I Be?"
This exciting game showed us all the options that were available for the aspiring career girl in 1972.
The most helpful thing was that you could look at your personal attributes and weed through the careers to find the one you were best suited for.
You are emotional: Good for Model and Actress
You failed biology: Bad for Teacher and Nurse
You have a nice smile: Good for Airline Hostess and Model
You are overweight: Bad for Airline Hostess, Ballet Dancer and Model
You are pretty: Good for Model and Actress
You are clumsy: Bad for Airline Hostess, Ballet Dancer, Model and Nurse
You are friendly: Good for Airline Hostess, Nurse and Teacher
You are a slow thinker: Bad for Airline Hostess and Nurse
You are calm in an emergency: Good for Airline Hostess, Nurse and Teacher
You get too excited: Bad for Airline Hostess and Nurse
Oh, the dreams that were available to us as young ladies...
What a crock of shit!
The years I wasted when I could have had this lovely as my role model.
"She starts dancing when the music starts and goes up and down and round and round."
The personality cards would still be helpful for choosing the right career.
You would be a great pole dancer if:
You are pretty
You aren't clumsy
You failed biology
You are a slow thinker
You have a nice smile
We've come a long way, baby.
I could watch this ALL day!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Watch the little dancing machine in the background. Talk about stealing someone's spotlight!
I sleep solo
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I've never been very keen on sharing my bed with anyone.
No, not even then.
After we do the deed, put your pants on and leave. Or sleep on the couch or something. That Lucy and Ricky knew what they were doing by sleeping in separate beds.
That said, when I say that I sleep solo, that means no pets, either. For as much as I love them, I prefer that they sleep comfortably in their beds next to mine. That hasn't been a problem so far since Bernie is too chubby to jump on the bed anyway. The only time I bring her up is during a thunderstorm to calm her down.
Vinny slept on my bed the first few nights I brought him home but he stopped for a while when I mistook him for a pile of blankets and kicked him off the bed. Twice.
Since Millie's been here, Vinny has decided that daytime is dog time. He lets me hang out on the couch with them and take them out for walks with nary a meow. But when it's time for bed, that's Vinny's time.
Both girls are lounging in their beds so right before I turn the light off, I yell, "Vin Vin!" and I hear his bell tinkling up the steps as he races to my bedroom. To ensure that no one thinks he's a Mama's Boy, he stops just short of the door and casually strolls toward the bed.
"Sup?"
I told you that Vinny had started peeing in the house again with the warmer weather but ever since Millie has joined the household, he's stopped. I think she's his muse or something. He just sits and stares at her for the longest time. He must be excited by the thought of the taboo of their love and always seems startled when I catch him looking at her.
"What? Um, no, I wasn't looking at a dog. I was staring at a bird. Yeah, that's it...a bird."
I'm beginning to think that sleeping solo is overrated.
No, not even then.
After we do the deed, put your pants on and leave. Or sleep on the couch or something. That Lucy and Ricky knew what they were doing by sleeping in separate beds.
That said, when I say that I sleep solo, that means no pets, either. For as much as I love them, I prefer that they sleep comfortably in their beds next to mine. That hasn't been a problem so far since Bernie is too chubby to jump on the bed anyway. The only time I bring her up is during a thunderstorm to calm her down.
Vinny slept on my bed the first few nights I brought him home but he stopped for a while when I mistook him for a pile of blankets and kicked him off the bed. Twice.
Since Millie's been here, Vinny has decided that daytime is dog time. He lets me hang out on the couch with them and take them out for walks with nary a meow. But when it's time for bed, that's Vinny's time.
Both girls are lounging in their beds so right before I turn the light off, I yell, "Vin Vin!" and I hear his bell tinkling up the steps as he races to my bedroom. To ensure that no one thinks he's a Mama's Boy, he stops just short of the door and casually strolls toward the bed.
"Sup?"
I told you that Vinny had started peeing in the house again with the warmer weather but ever since Millie has joined the household, he's stopped. I think she's his muse or something. He just sits and stares at her for the longest time. He must be excited by the thought of the taboo of their love and always seems startled when I catch him looking at her.
"What? Um, no, I wasn't looking at a dog. I was staring at a bird. Yeah, that's it...a bird."
I'm beginning to think that sleeping solo is overrated.
New dance craze
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Okay, so how many of you remember the 80's classic, Weekend at Bernie's, where these two young guys were invited to spend the weekend with their boss at his house in the Hamptons?
As you may recall, Bernie died shortly after they got there but since they didn't want to give up their one chance at Hamptons reveling, they pretended that Bernie was alive.
Here's the newest dance craze inspired by the movie. I tried doing it but I got dizzy!
Can you do it??
As you may recall, Bernie died shortly after they got there but since they didn't want to give up their one chance at Hamptons reveling, they pretended that Bernie was alive.
Here's the newest dance craze inspired by the movie. I tried doing it but I got dizzy!
Can you do it??
Stripper Chick Wisdom
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.
"What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?"
Monday Morning Bernie & Millie
Monday, May 9, 2011
Hi Guys! Sorry, I've been a lame-o and haven't posted anything worthwhile lately. I've been having a really hard time with things, especially with Mother's Day, so I've just been trying to keep busy with both houses.
I did manage to go out and buy a Flip video camera but I haven't had much time for anything other than lame videos. Get used to 'em. I'm going to start a library of them once I can figure out how. This is the first one.
If you're a Facebook friend, you've already been treated to it but here it is again.
You're welcome...
This is pretty much how Bernie looks all the time. Caught Millie in a down moment.
I did manage to go out and buy a Flip video camera but I haven't had much time for anything other than lame videos. Get used to 'em. I'm going to start a library of them once I can figure out how. This is the first one.
If you're a Facebook friend, you've already been treated to it but here it is again.
You're welcome...
This is pretty much how Bernie looks all the time. Caught Millie in a down moment.
Monday Morning Vinny
Monday, May 2, 2011
My new favorite show is Selling New York.
I'm afraid this is all Mommy can afford, Vinny. Move over.
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