Can I borrow your lipstick?

I always worry when my friend Angela is going to pick up something that she found advertised on Craigslist. When I finally went with her on that expedition at the hoarder's, that just confirmed it. Weird character in a shady house in a bad neighborhood. You just never know.

 

I'm pretty tall at 5'9" and I feel pretty confident that I could take someone out if they tried to attack me.

Unless, of course, it required any kind of upper body strength. Then I'm screwed.

But Angela is very petite. She's not quite get her own reality show short, but she's under 5' tall.

She needed a weapon.

Okay, so maybe not a gun but some sort of self protection.

I jumped on eBay to see what was available.

 

Brass knuckles - She wouldn't be able to knuckle 'em any higher than their knee. That won't work.

 

 

 

Ninja throwing knife - Too much work. You need to take it OUT of the sheath....it's a whole thing.

 

Tomahawk knife - I think there might be the no upper body strength issue here.

The intimidating necklace - Mmm....I'm thinkin' no. Did I mention she's 4 feet somethin'? Although, now that I think about it, she does scare me sometimes.

I decided on pepper spray but all the pepper spray looked too much like, well,  pepper spray. It just didn't appeal to me so I decided on the pepper spray that looks like lipstick and since they were 2 for 1, I got one for myself.

 

 

It looked pretty true to size online until I got it in the mail.  

 

 

It looks like lipstick for Donatella Versace. Or Janice from the Muppets.

 

 

 

Coming soon - Chrissy accidentally sprays herself in the face.

Do you see what I see?!

I'm a self proclaimed Gladys Kravitz and for those of you who don't know who that is, she was the nosy neighbor on the television show Bewitched, that ran in the late '60's until the early '70's. Gladys was always peeking out her window to see what was going on in the neighborhood. 

I do the same thing. 

If there's a car I don't recognize parked down the street or I see a police car's lights, I grab one of the dog's to "go for a walk" so I can see what's going on. We used to make fun of my mother for being like this but I guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. 

And the fact that I watch far too many crime shows doesn't help things and it just points my imagination to the worst case scenario. I stopped watching these types of shows after Starsky and Hutch was cancelled and only recently started watching them again.

I used to think Starsky was dreamy and my sister had the hots for Hutch. She even bought David Soul's album. The things we do for love. At 12.

 

I was in my family room on Sunday when I looked up and saw a man just past my property line, bent down in the bushes and digging. There's a field behind my house so it's not that unusual for people to be there playing baseball or soccer.

But there were no games going on.

"Oh my GOD! He must be burying a body! And in the broad daylight. He must be on drugs."

I called Millie, threw a leash on her and  "took her out for a walk." 

I slammed the back screen door, hoping he would be startled and take the body somewhere else to be disposed of but he didn't hear it. He was on the far left side of the property so we walked along the far right side.

As we got closer, he stood up and I heard "beep.....beep....beep.....beep"

"Oh my GOD! He must have a bomb! Why does he have a bomb in broad daylight? Maybe he buried the body and now he's going to commit suicide by blowing himself up!"

There's a large patch of overgrown bushes at the end of my yard and so, Millie and I hid behind them and very slowly peeked around the hydrangeas, eyes wide open so as not to miss any details that I would later be reporting to the police.

This is what we saw.

Um.....never mind....

Secondhand Sunday

I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I'm re-posting a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"I KNOW I AM, BUT WHAT ARE YOU?"

Original Post Date, April 15, 2009

 
You’re weird.

I hear this sentence at least once a week. It’s usually because of some comment I’ve made that the person who said this to me is too afraid to utter out loud themselves. Or it’s because of something I’ve done that’s a little off center and people don’t know how to react.

You’re weird.

Let me give you an example. My earliest memory of someone saying this to me was when I was 18. I was working for Casual Corner, a now defunct women’s clothing store, and the manager, Lilly, used to tell me this all the time. One Halloween, the girls in the store were going to have a costume party and everyone was discussing what they were going to be.

“I’m going to be a pussycat and wear a black leotard with a tail attached,” said cute blonde Debby.

“I’m going to buy a sexy French maid outfit,” chimed in Lilly.

“I’m going to be a Playboy bunny and have bunny ears and a fluffy ball of a tail,” said buxom Carla.

“I’m going to be a monster. I’ll wear a man’s suit and a monster mask and no one will know it’s me!” I excitedly reported.

You’re weird.

I realize that I look at the world a little differently than most but I think it’s far more interesting this way. It is for me, at least. And I know it throws people off because I look so...well...normal.

Well, if being weird is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!

I jokingly said to a friend that I should post a personal ad with a link to my blog and if someone still wants to meet me after they read it, we might actually have a chance together. Because what you see here is what you get.

I met this manly man firefighter back in the Fall and we went out a few times. Well, here's the background.

Manly man and I have been in a texting relationship for a little while now so I decided to put my theory to the test.

Hey, I typed, check out my blog and I gave him the address.

Then I waited.

Will he think it’s funny?

Will he be offended?

Will he respond back at all?

About 5 minutes later, I got my response:

You’re weird. And hysterical. I love it! (paraphrased-I actually think he said I was messed up)

Now that he’s been following my blog for four weeks, I think he’s gotten to know me pretty well and that was evidenced by his comment to me yesterday.

God, you’re a mess.

Yes! He gets me. He really gets me. sniff sniff

I just hope I don't develop carpal tunnel before I see him again..

C Cleveland - George Zetzer

This is George Zetzer.

George is a graduate of The Cleveland Institute of Art, one of the nation's leading independent colleges of art and design.  His work is on display at Butler Institute of Art, Youngstown, Ohio; Canton Art Institute, Canton Ohio; Massillon Art Institute, Massillon, Ohio and numerous private collections throughout the country.

For the past 40 years, George has taught art out of his home studio in Richmond Heights, OH, a suburb of Cleveland with a population of about 11,000.

George believes that "all people should be allowed to express their feelings in art regardless of ability, talent or circumstance."

Which says A LOT about George and his ongoing relationship with the city of Richmond Heights and his neighbors.

He's been a resident of Richmond Heights for about 30 years and for at least the last 20 that I can remember, he's been expressing himself through his art. On his lawn.

 

All OVER his lawn.

 

People are divided on whether this is art or just junk in his yard. The city says it receives numerous complaints every week about the display. His next door neighbor says that people stop with their children and take photos and that's it's just free expression on a  man's personal property. I think the  controversy likely started because his house sits on a main road and is passed by hundreds of cars a day.

 

Some have called it an attractive nuisance, a legal term for when a dangerous condition on a homeowner's property may entice children and cause them harm. The city has cited him on many occasions for everything from standing water to potentially toxic stuffed animals. I mean, really, how long can a stuffed animal stay out in the elements?

 

Here's the most recent photo of George:

 

 

 

Sentenced to spend 6 days in jail for a noxious weed violation.

 

Apparently, the city has had to come and cut his grass many times when he failed to do so. He ended up in jail for a contempt of court warrant after he didn't show up in court for the weed citation. He says he's being targeted for his artwork but if I didn't cut my lawn for a period of time and then ignored a court appearance, I'm pretty sure I would be sharing a jail cell, too.

 

He states that all of his art mysteriously ended up in his backyard when he was in jail.

 

 

 

I'm honestly not sure how I stand on this. Yes, it's free expression but it is a distraction and some of his "artwork" has blatant political, religious  and/or  racial equality statements.

 

 

Is that ok? Of course.

 

Does it belong in your front yard? I'm just not sure.

 

 

I guess I'm glad that the most annoying yard art in my neighborhood is this:

 



 

What do you think about George? Art or annoyance?

I woke up in jail this morning

I know that aging is an inevitable evil that comes with the progression of time.

 

I do.

 

But I still want to remember the singers and actors that I had crushes on as a young girl the way they were THEN, not the way they are now.

 

Case in point.

 

Today, there was a headline on our local news website that David Cassidy, AKA Keith Partridge, was arrested on DUI charges in New York. He lives in Fort Lauderdale, Florida but was in upstate New York for some event or another. Since it's his second offense, it's a felony.

 

Really, David?

I bet Keith would never do this. He wouldn't do anything to tarnish the velvet vest wearing, clean cut American family image that the Partridge Family represented.

 

 

Look at him. He's flawless. When I was little, I used to dream that I was Laurie Partridge and that Keith was in love with me.

 

I know...I know. That would make him my brother but c'mon, it worked for Cathy and Chris in Flowers in the Attic a few years later. Why shouldn't it work for me?

 

I'm just going to close my eyes and go back there now...before DWI's and Botox....Shhhh........

 

 

 

 



Same as it ever was

You guys know how much I love the history of Cleveland and that I'm completely enamored with older houses and buildings. Well, there's this absolutely ridiculous show on after the noon news. It shows videos from the internet and a group of people sit around and talk about them. I usually just leave it on as I'm going about doing whatever but today it caught my ear when they mentioned this website about New York City, then and now.

 

You have to check it out. It's really awesome. The creator took photos from the library of Congress dated about 100 years ago and then photographed the same places today.

 

On the front page, you can slide your cursor back and forth to see 1910....then 2010. Way cool!

 

Check it out HERE!

Monday Morning Maddie

I said, get out of my yard NOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!

Secondhand Sunday

I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I'm re-posting a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"ARE YOU A VAMPIRE?"

Original Post Date, October 16, 2009


I've never been a morning person.

Ever.

In fact, when I was in kindergarten, our class was divided into the morning group and the afternoon group. By some miracle of fate, I was in the afternoon group and was given the false hope that I could sleep until 10:00 all throughout my academic career. What a rude awakening when I entered the first grade.

And it's been a series of disappointments ever since. Expectations of being on time for class, work, church, jury duty, court, sentencing, community service...where does it stop?

I worked in retail management for about 10 years and it was perfect for my "night owl syndrome". When no one else wanted to work nights, I happily volunteered.

Lots of people experience mid-life career changes so I've been exploring a variety of different options that will afford me the flexibility I'm looking for to indulge my sleep patterns and I think I've found it.

I'm going to be a vampire.

Actually, I might already be one.

I was flipping through my 5000 cable channels last week and I came across a woman who was discussing Vampirism and the study of Vampirology.

She explained that unlike the vampires of folkore and dark movie theaters, that real vampires (yes, she said real) don't necessarily drink blood but instead have an extraordinary ability to manipulate life force energy. Vampires are not likely to be intentionally malevolent, however, their inability to recognize this can cause harm to themselves or others. She also claimed that most of us know at least one vampire.

Think about that for a minute.

Here are some of the characteristics of vampires that I think I might possess.

1) They have inverted circadian rhythms; the internal clock that regulates biological processes in a 24 hour period. They're usually known as "night owls".

Check.

2) They are unpredictable, moody, temperamental and overwhelming.

Check.
Check.
Check.
And Check.

3) Some real vampires are attracted to blood and find different means for attaining it. Well, I don't like blood, per se, but I'm always up for a Bloody Mary.

Check.

4) They're photosensitive and sunburn easily. Next to Nicole Kidman, I am THE most Caucasian person you will ever meet.

Check.

5) Their relationships tend to be disasters because of their self-centered natures. See blog.

CHECK.

6) They may go through jobs and lovers like Kleenex.

Check.

7) They have a talent for attracting attention. Case in point, Jim. And the guy who restocks the pop bottles at work.

Check.

So it's settled then. I'll give my notice on Monday.



I wonder if they have dental?

Anything goes

I think we all have that friend that we can talk to about anything. And when I say anything, I don't mean the fight you got into with your boyfriend or how the girl you work with has no sense of style.

 

I mean poop.

 

As I mentioned yesterday, Operation Boobs Be Gone started this week. Over the weekend, I thought about doing The Master Cleanse or Lemonade Diet, as it's sometimes called. It's used for weight loss and detoxification and this is what you consume 6-12 times a day for a minimum of 10 days:

 

1. 2 tablespoons of freshly squeezed lemon juice.
2. 2 tablespoons of maple syrup. The REAL stuff. Sorry, Aunt Jemima.
3. 1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
4. 10 oz. of water

In addition to this, each morning  you do a salt water flush. To do this, you mix 2 teaspoons of sea salt with a 1 liter of water and drink the whole thing. This is your laxative for the day.

 

Now you may be wondering why I'm telling you what the Master Cleanse consists of, if I didn't actually start it.

 

That's easy.

 

It's because I've done it before and I wanted you to be impressed. Okay, let's move on.

 

I'm basically doing an Atkins kind of thing and I wanted to "clean myself out" before I got started. I've been eating absolute crap (no pun intended) lately and I figured it was a good thing to do since I'm making a fresh start.

 

So this friend of mine that I can talk to about anything has been on pain pills following a surgery. If you've ever been on pain pills for any amount of time, you know that they totally STOP. YOU. UP.

 

So that I don't embarrass her, let's call her Mangela.

 

So Mangela went to the pharmacy to ask what she could do to unstop herself. The pharmacist suggested magnesium citrate.

 

And, voila! All was right with the world again.

 

Now, you know I've used various things to relieve myself of this problem before (this will refresh your memory) but I didn't have the luxury of time or a trip to the colon hydrotherapist so I asked Mangela to remind me what it was she had taken.

 

I hate swallowing stuff that tastes gross (Shut it! This is a family show) but she assured me that if I bought the cherry flavor that it would taste like Kool-Aid. It actually wasn't too bad. Way sweet, though!

 

 

 

"Be careful. It works!", she warned in a text.

 

Perfect! I asked her if she meant overnight and she said, "Nope, in a few hours."

 

I took it at 8PM since I'm up late anyway. I drank half the bottle and then the second half as Mangela instructed.

 

And then I waited.

 

And waited.

 

10:00......nuthin'.

 

11:00........nuthin'

 

Midnight.....nuthin'

 

1:00...............nuthin'

 

1:50.....rumble....rumble....rumble.......

 

 

Remember the Colon Blow cereal commercial from Saturday Night Live?

 

 

 

Yeah, it was kinda like that.

 

Well at least it worked. For an hour.

And then again this morning.

 

I emailed Mangela.

"Why am I still pooping?", I asked.

 

"Oh, right. It will be like that for about 4 days. Just don't fart or you might poop yourself."

 

If you need me, I'll be available on Friday. 

 

Monday Morning Chrissy's Boobs

I think I've mentioned to you guys before how when I was in my 20's, I went for a breast augmentation (aka BOOB JOB) consultation. My sister was well endowed in that area and my family always joked that I got my father's boobs. I wasn't ridiculously small at 34-36B but when my family members were in the double letter category, how could I not feel inadequate?

 

I had major boob envy.

 

I never did have the surgery. Can't remember if it was fear, lack of funds or both. Over the years as the Wonderbra and other modern inventions of boobie enhancement evolved, I never really thought about it again. 

 

My mother was a Double Something and I remember trying on a strapless dress that she wore in her early 20's. I could barely zip the back up and I couldn't figure out how she could go from that to baZOOM. She insisted a little weight gain over the years caused them to just grow but I insisted that she must be lying.

 

Until it happened to me.

 

In my early 40's, I gained about 20 pounds and it was no big deal. Until late 2009 when Dad was diagnosed with cancer and passed away, then Mom passed six months later, then I started on an anti-depressant, increased my stress eating, decreased my exercise, despised my job and continually crept into my late 40's.

 

Good God, it was the perfect storm!

 

But this storm didn't leave downed tree limbs and flooding. Just extra pounds and ginormous boobs.

 

Curiously enough, I hate them.

 

After all those years of dreaming about them, I really, really hate them.

 

I can't button any of my blouses or jackets and long necklaces (once my favorite thing) swing out and back and just accentuate said despised boobs. The only thing that fits comfortably over them is a knit top. And then I just feel UN-comfortable and all on display.

 

How DOES Kim Kardashian do it??

 

So say good bye to the girls.

 

 

I know you would like to think that I took this picture just for YOU but it was taken sometime last year. I think I sent it to a plumber when I was asking for a discount or something.

 

May I have a discount? Pleeeeeeeeaaaassseee?

 

 

No, no, I'm not doing anything more drastic than strict dieting.

 

Unless someone offers me the surgery for free. I can be reached at imkickie@sbcglobal.net.

 

I'm just sayin'....

 

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"Believe in Yourself"


Original Post Date, February 19, 2010


I know I bitch about my weight, um....all the time. But for the most part, I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I've earned the wisdom of age and apart from a few neuroses, I wouldn't change a thing.

The first thing I do when I get home from work is pull my hair back completely off my face, take off my "work clothes" and wash my makeup off. Tonight, I realized that I had forgotten to pick up a prescription so after dinner, I headed out.

As I was walking through the mega grocery store to the pharmacy, I waved hello to the produce guy, and smiled at strangers I passed along the way. I was feeling pretty proud of myself. The Chrissy of 10 years ago, 5 even, would never have ventured out without full makeup, perfectly coiffed hair and a stylish outfit. Wow, I must have really reached a new level of confidence.

I stopped at the floral shop, where an old lady was looking at the bouquets in the cooler. I walked up next to her and saw that she had her hair pulled back in a bun, nary a stitch of makeup on and was wearing a mis-matched ensemble. She mumbled something to herself, starting laughing and walked away with a bunch of daisies.

I looked back and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrored display case. I was wearing my hair in a bun, I had nary a stitch of makeup on and a tug on my pant legs revealed two mis-matched socks.

Maybe I'm not so "confident in my skin", after all.



Maybe I just don't give a crap anymore.

C Cleveland - Acacia Reservation

I've talked about our beautiful Cleveland Metroparks before. The Metroparks are an extensive system of individual parks that follow the rivers and creeks that surround Cleveland. The Emerald Necklace, as the Metroparks are called, encompasses over 21,000 acres and offer everything from bike paths to horse trails and golfing.

 

Remember the spooky legend of Squire's Castle? Part of the Metroparks.

 

And the fun that you can have at the zoo in the winter? Cleveland Metroparks, too!

 

I'm fortunate enough to have a reservation of the park, Euclid Creek, about 1/2 mile down the road from me. Bernie and I used to love going there and I've taken Millie and Dino there a few times as well. It's a fabulous place to take in the beautiful fall foliage.

 

Our luck doubled because a new park just opened 1 mile in the opposite direction. It's called Acacia Reservation and the land was formerly a private country club and golf course.

 

Acacia Golf Club was founded in 1921 and eventually developed into a leading country club. The problem was that the east side of Cleveland became so overrun with private clubs within a 10 mile radius of each other in the last 20 years, that Acacia just wasn't able to survive. What can I say? We like to golf.

 

Residents (including me) were concerned that the private club would be sold to a developer for residential or worse yet, commercial use and it's natural beauty would be lost. After much back and forth with the Mayor of Lyndhurst ( a douche who wanted to develop the last remaining tract of land into yet another residential/commercial zone), the shareholders agreed to sell the 155 acres to The Conservation Fund, a non-profit organization that purchased the land for $14.75 million.

And then, the coolest thing happened. The Conservation Fund turned around and donated the land to the Cleveland Metroparks with deed restrictions that ensure it will remain a greenspace for many generations to enjoy!

 

If you haven't heard of The Conservation Fund, you may want to take a peek at their website. They have protected 7 million acres of land in the US and are in the top 1% charities nationwide. I had never heard of them before but I'm now awe of their mission.

 

I took Millie and Dino there last week and I think we've found our new favorite place to walk!

It was a cloudy day but it was still beautiful.

You can even go fishing!

 

So many smells!

 

I love how they've let the natural vegetation overgrow.

No manicured greens here!

They peed literally every 5 feet.

 

Nonsensical Nonsense

These sunglasses looked cute in the catalog. 

I look like something out of a Whitley Strieber movie.

I know... I know.....

I've been a total slacker in keeping up with posts and reads. Here's a little something to tide you over. A special thank you to my friend, Carlee, who finds the weirdest stuff YouTube has to offer.