Stripper Chick Wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.

"Your inner child is spreading rumors about you."

Monday Morning Vinny

Me: Look at my widdle Vinny Winny in his Christmas collar.

Vinny: Listen to me and listen good. Today is December 27 so I suggest you remove this damn collar before I scratch your eyes out. Are we clear?

Me: Awww...Are you trying to talk to Mommy? Are you? Yes, you are! Yes you are...

Vinny: Die

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"MEMBERS ONLY"

Original Post Date, May 29, 2009

I got the boot.

Again.

When I started this blog in January, I looked around the vast blogging world to see what was out there and I started following two very sweet, simple blogs.

The first was created by a woman about my age who had a little boy and a Beagle. I think you know what the draw was for me. And no, it wasn't the little boy or the Mom. I checked in daily to see what shenanigans her son or puppy had gotten into. I commented on a few of her posts and she commented on mine.

About a month ago, I clicked on her link in my favorites and got this message:

"This blog is for invited readers only."

I thought it must be an error so I clicked it again.

"This blog is for invited readers only."

I checked my email, certain that the invitation link would be found there.

Nuthin'.

I give this woman three months of my life and this is the thanks I get in return? Does she think she's better than me?

Whore.

When I told Bernie what happened, this was her reaction.


Well, I still had my sweet, little family of three who live in a blue house. They go on lots of family outings, Easter egg hunts and car rides. No one is bitching about the economy or the jerk they work with.

"Here's Munchkinetta with her new umbrella."

Sweet, simple stuff.

I went to check in with them last night.

"This blog is for invited readers only."

I knew it wasn't a mistake this time. Mr. & Mrs. Wholesome realized that a stripper chick who wears strap ons, talks about poop and who may or may not have Anorgasmia has been following them. What will their priest say when he logs on to see Munchkinetta's First Communion photos and sees me? Mon Dieu!

Get over your holier than thou selves! You're lucky I was following your stupid little blog. And Munchkinetta? Not so cute.

So, to any of you that I'm following..if you decide to make your blog an "invited readers only" one...don't worry, I won't take it personally.

Merry Christmas, Friends!

Love,
Chrissy, Bernie and Vinny (who wanted nothing to do with a family photo)

All I want for Christmas

Monday Morning Bernie

I lost my other bell somewhere over Kansas.

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"I FELL OFF THE WAGON. AND THEN I CHOKED ON IT."


Original Post Date, January 14, 2009


So I fell off the wagon today.

I always justify it by telling myself that I have no other vices ( I don't smoke, drink or have a sex addiction. Anymore) so this is really the only pleasure I get. The saying "Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels" is bullshit. Feeling thin is nice, but c'mon....Ruggles M & M cookie dough ice cream with chocolate syrup and whipped cream versus.....thin....

Ruggles wins.

Hands down, every time. Maybe it's just that my motivation for losing weight isn't what it was. I used to try to lose weight so I could look hot when I was out with my friends and trying to catch the attention of that cute guy on the other side of the bar. You know, the one with the jet black hair and piercing blue eyes. He would be talking to his buddies and glance over, holding his gaze a little too long before he looked away. I would boldly stare back, "Yeah....I'm lookin at you, baby. Come to Mama."

Now I just want to depuff my middle aged face and get into my black pants for work. I'm in a bit of a quandry, though, because I'm totally disgusted that I can't fit into any of my clothes and yet, I feel so much sexier now. I love my Rubenesque curves and I long for some starving artist to ask if he can paint me in the nude.

I have friends who get a little shy around their significant others when they're feeling a little less than confident with their bodies. I've never had that problem. For some reason, I feel completely confident when I'm naked as a jaybird.

My friend Debbie has a Dream Book and likes to analyze dreams. I've told her that I often dream about being naked. She says that in the dream once I realize I'm naked and quickly try to cover up, that it means I'm feeling vulnerable about something. The only thing is, I do go around oblivious to the fact that I'm naked but once someone points it out, I look down and say, "Yeah! Look at me....." and then I strut away.

Debbie can't find that entry in her Dream Book.

Back to falling off the wagon. I ate my healthy, fat free lunch in the cafeteria where everyone could see how well I was adhering to my diet. I was craving something sweet when I got back to my office so I walked in and very quietly pulled open my top drawer to get out the Tootsie Roll I had stashed behind the White Out. I slowly slid the drawer closed again and reached for my scissors so I could cut the top of the wrapper instead of tearing it. Cutting is much quieter than tearing. I slid the Tootsie Roll out and mouthed the words "Come to Mama" to my chocolate treat. (Wow, that didn't sound right...)

As I took the second bite, I felt a tiny amount of spit go "down the wrong pipe" and I stifled a cough, not wanting to get busted cheating on my diet.

It was no use, I would have to cough louder. It was hard to cough with a large wad of chocolate in my mouth but I didn't want to spit it out.

My coughing turned to choking sounds.

"Are you okay?" Lori, outside my office said in a concerned voice.

"Yea..."I sputtered. Still not wanting to waste the Tootsie Roll in my mouth, I continued to attempt to get the spit out of my windpipe as I gasped for air and shifted the chocolate from cheek to cheek.

"She doesn't sound okay." I heard Debra push her chair back so I spit the candy in my wastebasket, sure she was on her way in to save me.

By now, my face was bright red, there were tears rolling down my face and Debra was next to me yelling, "Hold your arms up! Hold your arms up!"

Lori stood in the doorway, "Oh my gosh, she's really choking. Should we do the Heimlich?"

I was alternately gasping for air and laughing at the idiocy of my situation.

"What was it you choked on?" Debra asked as she handed me some water.

"I was eating an almond and it must have gone down the wrong pipe," I lied to them. I'm allowed 12 almonds a day.

I think I'll bring an apple tomorrow for when I'm craving something sweet.

C Cleveland

I told you guys it was cold here!

Here's the lighthouse on Lake Erie before:




And here's after the winter chill got a hold of it:

I want my innocence back!

I have a love/hate thing going with the internet.

Let me give you an example.

The year was 1975. I was 9 years old and a card carrying member of the Bay City Rollers Fan Club. Oh, yes I was...

I was on the newsletter mailing list.

I knew when all the guys birthdays were.

AND I wore my tartan scarf re-ligiously.

I remember running home from school to watch the Rollers on The Mike Douglas Show. Mike asked them how they chose their name and they said that they stuck a pin in a map of the United States and named it after that city.

Bay City, Michigan

Only Derek pronounced it Bay City, MiCHigan instead of Mishigan. My mother laughed but I yelled at her and told her that they were from Scotland so there was no way they could know the right way to say it. I think she slapped me.

But the stinging went away when I heard them sing:




For some reason, this song has been going through my head all week. I was looking for it on YouTube when I came across VH1's Behind the Music about the Bay City Rollers and decided to watch it.

Big mistake.

I want to remember them as fresh faced young boys who wore ridiculous outfits and couldn't move on stage to save their lives.

I want to remember dancing around my bedroom while kissing Erik Faulkner's face on the cover of Tiger Beat.


Isn't he dreammmmyyy?

I want to remember thinking that the drummer looked like a little kid banging on pots and pans.

I do NOT want to know about all the fighting over money.

I do NOT want to know that their manager when to prison for underaged sexual offenses with boys.

I do NOT want to know that the drummer, Derek, was charged with child pornography.

Alcohol and drug problems? Make it stop!!

I just want to go back to when my teenage heart (okay my 9 year old heart) pined over her future love. Is that too much to ask?

Lunches with Lisa

My sister, Lisa, goes to different clinic locations with her physician when he travels. On this day, he was sharing clinic space with another provider, one who has a strong patient following despite the fact that he runs over an hour late every day.

Two of the regulars were there.

One who comes with her husband and brings a lawn chair to sit on ("it's better for my back") and one who brings her Pomeranian, Jack, with her ("he's my seeing eye dog").

A new patient, a middle aged Asian woman, walked up to the window and signed in for her appointment. It was 2:00 and her appointment was for 2:10. The front desk person, Melanie, registered her and informed her that the doctor was running an hour behind.

"An hour behind? Well, how many people befo me?"

Melanie, glanced at the charts, prepped and ready for the nurse. "It looks like there are six ahead of you."

"Six? That going take more than hour!"

Melanie nodded in agreement, "Yes, unfortunately, it might. Please go ahead and take a seat and we'll be with you as soon as we can."

She takes a seat as the regulars size her up and down and Jack sniffs in her direction.

Ten minutes go by and she heads back to the check-in window.

"How many people ahead me now?"

"Well," Melanie responds, "no one has left yet so...still six."

Lawn chair yells out, "Sit down! He always runs behind. Stop bothering her."

Stunned, the woman sits down.

Five minutes later, she stands up again and starts to walk toward the window.

"Didn't I tell you to sit down?" Lawn chair lady is becoming increasingly agitated.

"You no tell me what to do! How many people? It five minutes pass by appointment time."

"We're still looking at about an hour. No one has left." Melanie glances at the check in sheet to appease her.

"You said hour 15 minute ago."

Now, Jack's owner starts up. "Sit down and shut up! Stop going to the window and bothering these girls. And what did you eat for lunch? You have stinky Oriental breath!"

The lady gasps as she stares at Jack's owner.

From behind her, lawn chair lady and her husband, demand that she sits down and shuts her mouth.

"Yeah!", chimes in Jack's owner.

"You no tell me what to do! I know Kung Fu!"

Jack starts to growl as his owner stands up, "Well, I don't know Kung Fu but I know crazy, now SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"

That seemed to work because she sat down and didn't make another comment until she was checking out after her appointment.

"I cause fight with women in waiting room," she giggled.

Melanie shook her head, "Ya think??"

Monday Morning Vinny

"There must be some way to get this door open!"

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"I'M NOT AS INNOCENT AS I SEEM"

Original Post Date, February 9, 2009



I stopped at the drugstore on my way home from work tonight and I saw the strangest thing.

A payphone.

An actual, live payphone.

I can't even remember the last time I saw one. I'm sure they exist in lots of places that I don't frequent but here was one outside of a drugstore. I was fascinated. I got out of the car and had to take a closer look to make sure it wasn't some installation of modern art or something.

At that moment, I had a flashback to the year 1979. My friends and I were 13 years old and our Saturday ritual was hanging out at the local mall. Our parents would take turns dropping us off and then picking us up 5 hours later. We would leave the house fresh faced and innocent and turn into mall walking Lolitas after we rolled on our Kissing Slicks in the Sears bathroom.

First, we would head to Cunningham Drugstore where we would steal something we just didn't feel like paying for. Then we would go to Spencer Gifts where we would immediately head to the back room and marvel at the fuzzy posters that glowed under blacklight. We would sneak our way over to the "18 and over" section and giggle and snort over booby mugs and penis pens until we got caught and were told to leave.

Our last and longest stop was the game room;the pinnacle of our Saturday mall experience. The game room was off in a hallway across from the movie theater and as you approached, you heard the DING, DING, DING of that silver ball being ricocheted around the machine. There were a few video games, PacMan and such, but the real cool guys were the ones who played pinball.

One in particular, shaggy haired Mike, was the Richmond Mall's resident pinball wizard. He wasn't blind like the pinball wizard in the Who song but I would have thought so. I spent hours dreamily watching the flippers dance under his touch but he never even knew I existed. Girls stood around staring at him and guys wanted to be him. He had it all.

Since I was invisible to him, I latched onto the next best thing to heal my wounded ego. A boy named John, who attended a school for "troubled teens" and had a chain attached to his wallet. Looking back, he reminded me of Willie Ames (Tommy Bradshaw from Eight is Enough) gone bad. I secretly hoped that Mike would see me with him, become jealous and profess his undying love for me.

At the end of the day, bad boy John walked me to the entrance so I could wait for my father to pick us up. My friend waited off to the side so that I could have some private time with my personal hooligan. We were leaning against the payphones and John was whispering some dirty things about my Love's Baby Soft perfume when I saw Mike coming toward us over John's shoulder. This was my chance. I grabbed John and kissed him and he fell against me and the phone booth.

To this day, it was THE most disgusting kiss of my life. He tasted like cigarettes and gum and I almost choked on his tongue when he thrust it halfway down my throat. When I came up for air, I saw that shaggy haired Mike was gone and I looked at John, who was wiping my Sinnamon Sin lipgloss from his mouth. What a waste.

And yes, all this because I saw a payphone today. God forbid, I see someone wearing a tube top.

C Cleveland

Since only one of you commented on this last year, I'm going to post it again in the holiday spirit. Comment, dammit~



Last week, I shared some memories of one of my favorite downtown Cleveland department stores that has since closed. I also mentioned that parts of the movie, A Christmas Story, were filmed here in 1983.

In 2005, a California man who was a huge fan of the movie, was the winning bidder in an eBay auction for the house that "Ralphie and his family lived in". He decided to make into a tourist attraction with a museum and a gift shop. When he bought it, it looked like this.


The previous owner had installed new windows and aluminum siding so some renovations were required to bring it back to its original movie glory.



A Christmas Story cast reunion around the leg lamp in A Christmas Story House just before the Grand Opening. From left to right Zack Ward (Scut Farkus), Yano Anaya (Grover Dill), Tedde Moore (Miss Shields), Ian Petrella (Randy Parker), Scott Schwartz (Flick), Patty Lafontaine (Head Elf) and Drew Hocevar (Male Elf).



Much like other show and movie reunions, you'll notice that the main characters are blatantly missing from the reunion. What's a reunion without Ralphie?

When you're planning your next trip to Cleveland, keep in mind that the Christmas Story house is open year round so it's not just a holiday attraction. And if you're stumped about what to get that person who has everything, the gift shop across the street carries these unique items.


A replica of Ralphie's bunny suit that he got for Christmas. A steal at $99.99




The major award leg lamp, $99.99.



A bar of Lifebuoy soap



Radio Orphan Annie's decoder pin, $7.99



Randy's scarf, $24.99



Schwartz stocking cap, $24.99




Flick's aviator cap, $34.99



And last but not least, Ralphie's prized Red Ryder bb-gun, $179.99



Whatever you do, don't shoot your eye out!

We're famous!

I turned on the news this morning and heard the weather guy from the national show, Good Morning America, talking about the 10-12 inches of snow that Cleveland got pounded with during the rush hour drive home last night.


It had snowed pretty steadily all day but by 2:00, it was snowing so hard that I couldn’t even see the building that sits 500 feet behind mine. Since I had been in early for a 7AM meeting and was ready to go home at noon anyway, I decided to head out by 4:00, foolishly thinking that I could beat some of the traffic. I peeked my head into the office across the hall and told the remaining secretaries to finish up what they were doing and head out as well.

As I made my way through the hospital, I glanced out the windows at the snow covering the trees and blanketing the courtyard like a Christmas card. It was so beautiful that I was kicking myself for not having my ever present camera in my purse because I wanted to take pictures to share with you guys. No worries. I figured that I would be home before dark and I could take some then.

The minute I walked outside, the charming winter wonderland became an annoying winter storm as I walked to my parking garage. The wind whipped sideways, up and down, making the rapidly falling snow feel like pellets against your face. As I walked out of the pathway that leads to my garage, I saw cars in both directions just sitting in the road and still others backed up inside the parking garage. It took me 50 minutes to drive down 3 levels to the street and once I got there, I wasn't going anywhere anyway. The traffic was gridlocked in both directions

I guess I wasn’t the only one who had the bright idea to leave early.

It took me another 35 minutes to get up the hill through Little Italy. The city usually does a great job of plowing the hill but, understandably, in this weather it was a mess. I prayed that my little car would make it up okay but I was encouraged to see a truck behind me because I thought he could just push me if I got stuck. I recited this all the way:

I think I can


I think I can


I think I can


I think I can

And I did!

The roads weren’t much better at the top of the hill and I was fortunate enough to end up behind some loser in a mid-sized car who didn’t remember the primary rules of what to do when your car slides on ice or snow.

Take your foot off the brake and turn into it. That's Cleveland Driving 101, buddy.

Somehow, I managed to drive the 5 miles to my house in just over two hours. Luckily, I had a full tank of gas because people were just abandoning their cars in the middle of the road when they ran out. One of my clinic employees called me at 6:00 to say that they weren’t letting any staff leave the hospital because ambulances couldn’t get through the streets. She didn’t get home until 10:00 last night so I guess I didn’t fare too badly. Only it was dark by the time I got home so these were the only pics I took for you.





I stole these from one of the local news websites.








Today, it’s just another winter day in Cleveland. The roads are clear, the sun is shining and the only evidence that last night ever happened is all the huge snow piles.

Say, wha??

You know how the Griswolds down the block love to decorate their yard for every holiday.



And you know that there was that unfortunate incident this past summer when a storm knocked down their front tree and part of their house.



We wondered if they would decorate again this Halloween and they didn't let us down.



For the past few weeks, every time I drive by the Griswolds, I look to see if they've decorated yet. Actually, let's face it, you don't need to turn and look, it will just sort of loom in your periphery.

But there's been nuthin'!

Did something happen to the Grizzies? Did they get a divorce and Clark left with all the holiday decorations?

I almost caused an accident today as I slammed on my brakes in front of their house. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.



A few wreaths on the windows and a Santa in a hot air balloon?

What the FU#%, Clark?

Where are the singing caroler figures? The giant snow globe? The waving Santa, the lights, the animated baby Jesus, for God's sake!

Did you convert to Judaism or something?

I hope you're proud of yourself. Have you thought about what I should tell the children?

Lord...the children...the poor innocent children...

The Dating Game

Please hit play as you're reading..



Bachelor Number One hails from Moreland Hills, Ohio. He's a young 60 year old who likes riding his Harley, long walks on the beach and making whoopee in a hot tub. His hobbies are home improvements and training for an Ironman triathalon.

His dream woman can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never ever let him forget he's a man.

Say helloooo to Rich!

I know some of you won't get the joke but I'm crackin myself up here!

So I had my first date with said bachelor. Yes, he was older than I had originally been looking for but I liked his profile and he seemed pretty genuine. Well, he was. We met for a drink last week and talked for over 2 hours. It turns out that he's the ex brother-in-law of a woman that I used to work with and he's even her daughter's godfather. Small world, huh?

He eluded to the fact that he had hoped that I was at the end of my Match membership so that we could get to know each other exclusively. Now, you guys know, I am not in any mindset to be in a relationship right now and certainly not with the first guy I meet. I'm just trying to create a happy balance from the horror that is my career.

I told him about my blog thinking that would save us the whole, "So what do you like to do?" bullshit but he said that he was more interested in getting to know me personally.

Huh?!?

C'mon, a blog is like Cliff Notes! Who doesn't want shortcuts to the answers? Apparently, not him. When I told my girlfriend her response was,

"He's 60. Are you sure he even knows what a blog is?"

Touché...

It's strange because guys will add me to their list of "Favorites" but never email me or even send a wink. Maybe all they need is a picture.

EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, we won't think about that.

I always look at the profiles of guys that have dogs as pets. Would it be wrong to tell someone that I don't want to go out with them but would love a play date with their dog?

Maybe I should put Bernie out there, too.


SFF (single furry female) seeks SFM (single furry male). Likes walking without a leash and long belly rubs. Babies okay as long as they don't live at home. Must know how to treat your bitch like a Queen. Rhinestone collars need not apply.

Monday Morning Bernie & Vinny

Me: Vinny! Be nice to your sister.

Vinny: What? All I said was that she looks like an a$$hole in that coat.

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE TO..."

Original Post Date, January 1, 2010


I'm no different than the next guy.

I make my New Year's resolutions and stick to them for approximately 7.5 days. At that point, I break one and that creates a snowball effect, resulting in feelings of defeat all over again.

Maybe my resolutions are too lofty. By setting the bar too high, it's inevitable that I won't attain them, right?

This year I've decided to be realistic in my resolutions and looking over the list, I'm confident that this will be the year that I will finally stick to them.


1) Spend too much time watching TV

2) Curse like a sailor

3) Stay in a job that doesn't fulfill me because, hey, it's a paycheck.

4) Have meaningless sex whenever the mood hits me

4) Gain more weight and continue to bitch about it

5) Eat excessive amounts of candy daily

6) Have a pity party for myself at least once a month

7) Take a nap when the urge to do physical activity overcomes me

Wish me luck!


UPDATE: December, 2010

I'm proud to say that I've achieved 6 out of 7 of my resolutions! I think you can all guess which one I fell short on.

Stripper Chick Wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.

"If someone gives you a compliment, they probably have a hidden agenda.

Watch your back."

SWF seeks male with pulse

Well, I did it.

I stopped perusing the personals and actually joined. I was in a haze from tryptophan and stuffing on Thanksgiving night when I found myself typing my credit card number into the online form. Since I've been on and off so many times, I decided to completely delete my last profile, create a new profile and username and get started.

Since it's newly created, the label of "NEW" highlights my profile for all to see. As I logged on, I could practically smell the hunters seeking out their latest prey. I thought the drawback had been my age but apparently it was just that I was considered stale meat.

I made my age range 39-52, set my radius for potential mates and clicked off my wants and must haves. The site has changed a bit since I was on it before and it took me a little while to maneuver all the new features.

One is called Daily 5 which lists the 5 guys who most closely match what I'm looking for. The first one I opened was a 50 year old "gunslinger" who works security in Iraq and was only going to be here for a few more weeks. Perfect! No commitment.

Well, you know me...

He stated that he was looking for recent pictures but I noted that all of his pictures were date stamped for 2004. OF COURSE, I had to point that out in my email. Hmmm...no response.

You can send a Wink, which is a non-committal flirt. I've gotten a bunch of those but every time I wink or email back, no one responds. Does it come through their email as BOO or something? I winked back. C'mon, say something! Anything!

There is one retired guy in Florida who keeps emailing me and asking me if I have a big BUTT. "Because I'm looking for BIG BUTTS and I LOVE BIG BUTTS."




I finally responded, "Listen, freak, (okay, I said Bob, not freak) I'm not willing to drive 30 minutes to the other side of Cleveland. What makes you think I'm going to hop on a plane and fly to Florida?"

Bob's response, "Will you send me pictures of your butt, then?"

Um, no, Bob. No, I won't. Go get a job!

I'm really surprised by how many widowers and religious zealots are on here. One guy said "Jesus, God, church and/or Christian" 20 times in his profile! Maybe they're so God fearing over the guilt of killing their wives?

If anyone other than Bob ever emails me back, I'll let you know.

Monday Morning Vinny

Man, this catnip bird is some good sh#@...

Stripper Chick Wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.


"It's far more effective to bitch about people behind their backs than to do the mature thing and confront them."

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe

I’ve been on and off dating websites for the last 10 years.

Good Lord. TEN years.

Recently, more off than on.

The last time was in 2009 when I tried out Plentyoffish.com (can you say FREE?) and met the manly man firefighter.



He subsequently went back to his wife. By the way, if you know of any men who are separated, please give them my number and they will be sure to reconcile with their ex in no time.

Then I tried the California guy thing and that went to straight to hell. And by the way, do you know that he never even emailed to see how my Dad was? How shitty is that?

Obviously, I had a lot going on this past year so dating was the last thing on my mind but I think I’m ready to get out there again. Whatever that means.

Last night, I went on Match.com just to peek around and see what the pickin's are and I actually found some interesting people. Of course, the bummer is that most of them have "40 year old woman" at the top of their age range. Maybe 41. The only ones who are willing to date 44 year old women are usually 74 year old men.


He's on my "maybe" list

The fact that you can be so specific about your “criteria” is what attracts me to Match.com over the others. No, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to only look for men who live within a 5 mile radius of my home. You know I’m lazy, so the last thing I want to do is drive any farther than I have to.

And sure, they can drive to see me but c’mon, it’s Ohio. I don't need some guy I’ve only been out with a few times to drive in from Akron during a blizzard and then use as an excuse that “the roads are too bad to drive back home, baby”.

Here's a snow brush, baby. Put your pants on and get out.

I know that I’m not looking for a serious relationship. All I want is someone to go out with once in a while and to "bada boom, bada bing"!

Does that mean "sex" or does it mean "killing someone"? I'm looking for the first one.

These were some of the profiles from last night.

A plumber? Nah...my pipes are in pretty good shape.

Graphic designer? Well, I am looking at a new website venture. I’ll save that profile to my favorites.

Landscaper? I really need a fall clean up in my yard. I wonder if he does snowplowing? Save that one…

Attorney? No, I’m good.

Electrician? Oh, I really want an outlet installed out front so I can do Christmas lights this year. Save to favorites…

No...I know...you're right!

I shouldn't be looking at these men for they can DO for me. I should be looking for someone who has the same morals, religious beliefs and interests as me. Because that's really the only way that I'll find someone that I'm compatible with.

Hold on...this one does drywall....

Quality Time

Growing up in the Starr household wasn't exactly sunshine and roses. Hence...my issues.

My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive and I spent most of my childhood walking on eggshells wondering what would set her off next. This upbringing set the tone for my subsequent unhealthy and sometimes abusive relationships. After all, it's human nature to gravitate toward the familiar. Years of self analysis and introspection have brought me to a pretty healthy place but admittedly, I'm not without a lot of scars. Baby steps.

When my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer a year ago, my first thought after the obvious, was 'how will I deal with my mother when he's gone'? He always acted as a bit of a buffer and though she's mellowed a bit, a leopard really never changes their spots. I have more patience for my mother than my sister does and I suppose it's because a part of me still longs for that unconditional love while Lisa has resigned herself to the fact that it just isn't going to happen.

Last week, my mother had two doctor's appointments scheduled and since my workday affords me more flexibility, I offered to take her. I surprised myself by how patient I was as she struggled to get in and out of the car and how dutiful I was as I helped her through the hospital to the doctor's office. I could see the stares of admiration for the woman helping her elderly mother get around.

Well, that didn't last long.

After two doctor's appointments, lunch and a trip to Wal-Mart, I was pretty certain that the people watching us now were raising their phones to their ears to call Adult Protective Services on me.

I don't see why.

I mean, an 82 year old women should be able to push a heavy shopping cart with a toaster oven in it, right?

And the cars will stop for her when she's crossing the street.



It's not my responsibility to make them stop.

When I feel like I can't take it anymore, I just take a deep breath and say this little prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept that my mother won't change.

The courage to confront her when she's being abusive.

And the wisdom to hide the gun.

Monday Morning Bernie

The one on the left moves more than the one on the right.

But I don't WANNA move

I haven’t given you a weight loss update lately because I’m not exactly thrilled with my progress. I’ve only lost 13 pounds and I know it’s because I got a little slacky with my exercise. I guess it really does make a difference at this age.

Crap.

I’m one of those people who has to do something EVERY day and if I miss a day or two, I never EVER want to work out again because, let's face it. I'm inherently lazy.

Yes, yes…I like the way I feel when I’m done and yes…I like the results but I really wish it was easier.

Like in the old days.

Remember those Elaine Powers wiggly jiggly things? Maybe I could find one on eBay and just wiggle jiggle my fat away. I've already got the black shoes and shower cap.



I’m not sure why these fat burning babies ever went out of style, either. My boyfriend and I could just crank up the heat, lie on the couch and sweat our way to thinness.


I know. I know. Who am I kidding?

I can't get a boyfriend.

Monday Morning Bernie & Vinny

Vinny, whom I've dubbed Vin Peisel, has been up to his old tricks. Just when I think we're developing a routine and he's getting comfortable and feeling at home, he pees.



I felt bad that he was an outdoor cat who's now forced to live an indoor existence so I bought him a harness. I only walked him in the back yard because, honestly, if I saw someone walking a cat, I would be the first one to make fun of them.



Last week, I decided that I would tie him out so I could clean yet more pee from my living room rug. I kept looking outside to check on him and he seemed to have found a comfortable spot under my neighbor's front bush.

When I went out to get him, I tugged on the lead and instead of feeling any resistance, it slid right out from under the bush.

Without Vinny attached!

I couldn't figure out how he had Houdinied himself out since it was still fastened. I walked around the yard, calling for him, but he was nowhere to be found so I went inside to call my sister.

"Oh my God! I can't believe he got away. Does he have a collar on with a tag?"

"No, I took his regular collar off when I put on the harness."

"Oh my God! He's not used to being on a busy street. He's going to get killed! What if another animal gets him? Oh, Chrissy, what's the matter with you?"

By now, I'm crying hysterically because I've left this poor kitty out to die. I spent the next few hours hanging out with Bernie and berating myself for being such a bad mother when I heard the dogs next store going crazy. It must be Vin!

Sure enough, there he was sitting on their front porch, tail swishing from side to side, daring them to come and get him. Luckily, they were locked behind a fence.



I felt like Dorothy went Toto came back.

"Vinny, you came back!"

Of course, 10 minutes later, I was contemplating opening the door and letting him out again when he peed on Bernie's blanket.

My friends can't understand why I keep giving him another chance, but c'mon, that's what I do with all the guys in my life. I let them piss all over me and then convince myself that I'm going to be the one to change them.

This time, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it alone, so I joined a chat room for cat lovers and asked for advice. If anyone will know what do, it's the crazy cat ladies. I've taken their advice and I'm happy to say, we're in our second pee free day. This is what they suggested:

Don't take him out at all. It just confuses him and makes him want to be out again.

Use the pheromone product, Feliway. I bought both the diffuser and the spray. It emits the same facial pheromones that cats do so that your home and objects seem familiar to the cat.

Don't play favorites. This one's tough. I mean, c'mon, Bern was my first baby. But I do try to give equal lovin' so neither one gets jealous.

I even got a direct email from some dude who had this suggestion:

ok the best way to cope with the cat is to pee on him i have been told this so
try it if you dare ????? .. i got a cat and i want try it

Um. Pass.

The other day, when Bernie came in, I could see that Vinny just wanted to sniff her because she smelled like the outside. Well, he made the mistake of putting his paws on her. I have NEVER seen Bernie move so fast in my life. She was growling and going after him and he was swiping at her with his paws.

By evening, they were fine.


"I better cover my face so no one sees this dog lying so close to my bum."



"I guess she's not so bad."


If the crazy cat lady suggestions don't work, that's it. I'm done!


I know...I know...who am I kidding?



He's not goin' anywhere.