Did you hear that??

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I'm sitting here in front of my computer perusing some of my favorite blogs and I just heard what I would SWEAR was a sneeze. One of those hearty ones that starts at the soles of the feet and works its way up. It sounded exactly like my father's sneeze and I almost said, "Bless you." Until I realized my father ain't here.

I've lived alone the greater part of my adult years and I've never been particularly afraid of things that go bump in the night. I'm such a woman of the new millenium,

However, since I bought my house three years ago, I've become more conscious of noises. Before, a slam or a knock was most likely someone in a neighboring apartment and nothing to think twice about. Now if it seems like more than the house settling, I grab my investigatory tools and head off to find the culprit.

I live in a small three bedroom colonial with a detached garage. One bedroom is an office, one a master bedroom and one, I converted into a closet. My basement is unfinished and I can stand on the middle steps and see every corner. To reach the attic, you need to remove the shelf in the bedroom, climb a 6 foot ladder and dislocate your shoulder to climb up. Needless to say, I've never even laid eyes on the attic. The home inspector said, "Would you like to come up and take a look?" to which I responded, "As long as there's no one living up there, I'm good." As you can see, there aren't a whole lot of places to hide.

To do my detective work, I use three tools. A flashlight, a knife and a phone. The flashlight, of the penlight variety, is to startle said intruder by blinding him. Then, I can stick my serated Farberware knife into him to subdue him until I call the police on my phone. I also make sure to turn down the TV or radio so that he can hear me coming.

I'm glad to report that the coast was all clear tonight. Of course, instead of ever actually catching an intruder, the likely scenario would be that I would slip on my hardwood floors, hit myself in the head with the phone, poke my eye with the penlight and impale myself on the knife.

Such a woman of the new millenium..


  1. Too funny! And this why I live in a studio apartment. In case I hear a noise, I know that murderers (waiting to kill me) can be either be hiding in my ONE closet or behind the shower curtain!!

  2. Ron,
    That's so funny. But, true. I looked at some larger houses with twisty, turny hiding places and I said, No thanks!

  3. Bernie's a great dog, but she's not the physical type. She would probably be able to hit 911 on speed dial better than frightening a burglar. Or instead of just slipping, you would trip over her resulting in the impaling.


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