HCG finale

I just realized that I never gave you guys a final tally of my pounds lost on the HCG diet.

It was 17. I know there should be an exclamation point at the end of that statement but I was hoping for at least 20 pounds. I take responsibility because the last week I was so bored that I started eating 5 ounces of chicken instead of 3.5 ounces and mixing my tomatoes with my cucumbers. GASP!!

I didn’t realize before I started the diet that I would need to maintain my new weight for 60 days so that my hypothalamus could reset to the new weight. It’s totally frustrating because I still want to lose another 30 pounds and I figured I could have it off by the end of the summer.

So, I’ve decided to completely ignore the protocol and try to exercise my ass off to lose the additional poundage. And...I’ve booked a trip to Florida on September 8 to visit my cousin so I REALLY have to lose it.

Since walking or jogging outside in this heat swell is out of the question, I decided to dig into my arsenal of infomercial workout DVD’s for some inspiration. I've chosen the Brazilian Butt Lift, a program I purchased right before I started the HCG Diet. To my dismay (?), I wasn’t even able to do it once because of the exercise restrictions.

I bought the set on eBay for about $20 less than when you buy direct from Team Beachbody, the exercise infomercial giant. The package included:


**Booty Basics Intro Video
**5 Workouts on 3 DVDs + Bonus Workout
**Booty Makeover Guide with Booty Blueprint & customizable workout calendars
**Fat Burning Food Guide
**6-Day Supermodel Slimdown plan
**Triangle Training Workout Cards
**Booty Resistance Band
**Measurement Tracker Card and Tape Measure
**Booty Test Pencil


That’s right, #9 is the Booty Test Pencil, also referred to as a No. 2 pencil. The concept is that your booty will raise so high that you will no longer be able to hold a pencil under your cheeks.

Which is a good thing because I can currently hold a pencil, 3 highlighters, a glue stick and a bottle of White-Out. And that’s just my right cheek.

I put on my most booty-worthy outfit, cleared Millie and Vinny off the rug in my living room and turned on the DVD. What the hell? Everyone was speaking Spanish and I was making a mental note to myself to NOT buy from eBay again when I realized all I had to do was choose "English".

Ah...si...

This is what I experienced.



My GOD, does this work your butt and thighs! I did it yesterday and I could barely walk today. Vinny thought I was playing with him when I was doing the leg lifts on the floor but when he realized I wasn't, he chomped on my leg and made it bleed. Now I'll probably get cat scratch fever.

And, by the way, am I the only one who didn't know that cat scratch fever is an ACTUAL thing? Here all this time, I thought it was just a Ted Nugent song. I'm serious!



Gotta go work my bum bum now!

Monday Morning Millie

Ahhh...this is the life. Laying in the sun while inside an AIR CONDITIONED house. I could get used to this...

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"SWF SEEKS MALE WITH PULSE"

Original Post Date, November 30, 2010

Well, I did it.

I stopped perusing the personals and actually joined. I was in a haze from tryptophan and stuffing on Thanksgiving night when I found myself typing my credit card number into the online form. Since I've been on and off so many times, I decided to completely delete my last profile, create a new profile and username and get started.

Since it's newly created, the label of "NEW" highlights my profile for all to see. As I logged on, I could practically smell the hunters seeking out their latest prey. I thought the drawback had been my age but apparently it was just that I was considered stale meat.

I made my age range 39-52, set my radius for potential mates and clicked off my wants and must haves. The site has changed a bit since I was on it before and it took me a little while to maneuver all the new features.

One is called Daily 5 which lists the 5 guys who most closely match what I'm looking for. The first one I opened was a 50 year old "gunslinger" who works security in Iraq and was only going to be here for a few more weeks. Perfect! No commitment.

Well, you know me...

He stated that he was looking for recent pictures but I noted that all of his pictures were date stamped for 2004. OF COURSE, I had to point that out in my email. Hmmm...no response.

You can send a Wink, which is a non-committal flirt. I've gotten a bunch of those but every time I wink or email back, no one responds. Does it come through their email as BOO or something? I winked back. C'mon, say something! Anything!

There is one retired guy in Florida who keeps emailing me and asking me if I have a big BUTT. "Because I'm looking for BIG BUTTS and I LOVE BIG BUTTS."




I finally responded, "Listen, freak, (okay, I said Bob, not freak) I'm not willing to drive 30 minutes to the other side of Cleveland. What makes you think I'm going to hop on a plane and fly to Florida?"

Bob's response, "Will you send me pictures of your butt, then?"

Um, no, Bob. No, I won't. Go get a job!

I'm really surprised by how many widowers and religious zealots are on here. One guy said "Jesus, God, church and/or Christian" 20 times in his profile! Maybe they're so God fearing over the guilt of killing their wives?

If anyone other than Bob ever emails me back, I'll let you know.

Monday Morning Vinny

Of all of us, I think Vinny is feeling the loss of Bernie the most. He's started peeing in the house again and the first few days, he kept biting at my legs when I would walk by. I tried having a heart to heart with him but I don't think he gets it.

He always seemed pretty indifferent to Bernie but he would hide behind my living room chair and jump out at her. At first, it scared her, but then it got to the point where he would jump out at her and she would have this look on her face like, "Jackass".

Bernie had seizures occasionally in the middle of the night and the vet thought that it might be from her Cushing's medication. One night, she had a seizure and once it ended, I brought her up on the bed. Vinny jumped up on the bed and started sniffing her. I warned him to not upset her and he didn't. Instead, he very gently laid down on her back legs and went to sleep. It was so sweet it made me cry.

Bernie always used to sleep on a blanket next to the desk in my office when I was in there. Vinny started sleeping on her blanket in the office a few days ago and I love looking down and seeing him there.

I'm hoping he gets over his sadness soon. He always met us all at the front door when we came back from our walks but he stopped the day Bernie left us. Tonight when Millie and I came in, he was waiting there as he had before and he gave Millie some good long sniffs.

Maybe it's the start of another sweet friendship to replace the one he lost.

Monday Night Bernie

Tonight, the chapter closed on my beautiful Bernie's life.



As you know, she was diagnosed with Cushing's Disease in 2009. She had responded well to the treatment plan that the vet prescribed so when she started acting sluggish last week, I chalked it up to elevated levels and the necessity for an adjustment of her meds.

But on Saturday, she stopped eating completely and that continued all weekend. By Sunday night, she was looking gaunt and dazed, pacing into the kitchen seemingly wanting to eat but then unable to. She was up all night long and I was afraid to sleep for fear that she might fall down the steps with her increasingly unsteady gait.

I took her to the vet this morning, thinking that an afternoon with an IV would have her back sleeping on the couch next to me tonight. X-rays showed that she had an enormous mass on her abdomen that was pushing on her stomach and she seemed to have some internal bleeding. They sent me to a specialist who gave me far too many "could be this, could be that's" and not enough promises of a longer, better quality of life. I couldn't selfishly subject her to an extra month or two of surgeries and possible chemotherapy on the "hope" that she would live a little longer.

So I made the awful decision to put her to sleep. I took her home for a few hours so my sister could come and say goodbye after work. Bernie had become a shell of the dog she was just last week and she laid her head on my chest while I held her and dampened her fur with my tears.

The most beautiful part of the day was the awesome kindness of strangers that I encountered today. And I don't mean the vets or techs but fellow pet lovers who happened to be in the offices when I came in crying and cradling my beloved Bern.

One woman held my hand as she caressed Bernie's face while another offered her McDonald's lunch and a shoulder to cry on.

My friend, Debbie, drove Bernie and I back to the vet and she stayed in the room with me even though I know she was off the charts out of her comfort zone. I will always love her for being there for me as she has been so many other times.

As I sit writing this, I can't believe that Bernie isn't laying at my feet as she did every night. She must have known the end was near because though she was never one to sleep in my bed, she was there beside me for the last three nights.

My parents ADORED Bernie, even though they initially protested.

"A dog? How are you going to take care of a dog??"

Well, one look at Bernie and they were in love. She was the grandchild they never had.


See what the hat says?

Just as it comforted me when Mom passed away in March that she was now with Dad, it comforts me to know that Bernie is hanging out with her Gammy and Poppa.

Monday Morning Bad Girl Millie

"If you take this baking soda, peroxide and Dawn paste off of me, I PROMISE that I won't run under a bush and get sprayed by a skunk again!"

HCG Update

I can't believe how easy this diet has been!

I have to admit, though...I want ice cream. Now, physically, I'm not craving it, but psychologically, I want it. It's summer! You're supposed to eat ice cream in the summer.

I don't think I've ever eaten so many strawberries in my life. Thank goodness, they're in season and extra yummy this year! I'm allowed iced tea, either unsweetened or with Sweet 'n' Low and I've probably consumed more of those little pink packets than a lab rat does in his whole life.

One week to go!

You can only stay on the HCG for 30 days and then you run the risk of developing an immunity to it. After 60 days, I can do another 4 weeks to (hopefully) reach my goal.



I think my chubby cheeks are getting thinner!

Yes, those cheeks, too!

Monday Morning Millie

"Now, THAT was a party!"

HC - Me!

Hey, guys, I'm sorry that I've been too busy to post anything other than these self-indulgent posts about my weight.

I've been getting my house ready to put up for sale but I know that in this market, it's not likely to sell for anywhere near what I want. And the fact that there are 12 houses on my street ALONE for sale is pretty discouraging so I'm leaning toward renting it instead. This will actually give me more time to do the things that I want in my parents house before I move in.

I had my "official weigh in and measure" this week. It's not quite on the full week since I have to go on Thursdays (to an office an hour away) and I actually started on a Sunday.

Ten days in, I've lost 10 pounds and 14 inches. Fourteen!! I know, I can't believe it, either. It's like I've found the magic pill and the weight is literally melting away.

I no longer have the desire to gnaw my arm off by late afternoon because my body has gotten used to eating at the reduced caloric amount. It's really allowed me to focus on how MUCH I was eating before. A trip to the drug store for paper towels ended up yeilding a candy bar or two and window shopping usually culminated in chinese takeout. All of which added up to big, fat Chrissy.

I was drinking at least two liters of Diet Coke which I've replaced with a gallon of water or unsweetened iced tea. My back pain has gone away and the cramping in my fingers has, too. Not sure if it was the Nutra Sweet or one of the other yummy chemicals in the Diet Coke that was bothering me.

In a nutshell, I feel great! I sleep well and I wake up well rested. I can't wait to see how I feel when I lose more. It's already made such a difference in my attitude that I heard this song going through my head as I was walking in today.



I'm getting my mojo back!!

Oh say, did you see that?!

I had an awesome weekend! No packing or stressing about selling my house.

I spent Friday night with all of my closest friends and then Saturday, Lisa and I went to Sandusky to see our friend, Gloria’s, new twins. She grew up across the street from us and was my parents “third daughter”.




Could they be any more beautiful?? Their names are Majeed and Raina.

If you’re a roller coaster enthusiast, the city of Sandusky, Ohio probably sounds familiar to you since it’s the home of Cedar Point, which boasts 17 roller coasters. It’s about an hour and half west of Cleveland and it sits on the shores of Lake Erie.

We were relaxing after lunch when I heard Gloria’s husband talking to Lisa about a bird’s nest and he said, "Oh, you should see it” and I’m thinking, “Really? What’s so exciting about a bird’s nest?”

Well, this wasn’t just ANY bird’s nest.




It was a bald eagle’s nest!

It was by far the most fascinating thing I have ever seen outside of a zoo. The enormity of the nest is shocking. It looked like it was at least 5-7 feet in diameter and they’ve been known to weigh as much as a ton since they keep adding to the nest year after year.




The bald eagle initiates nesting activities from February to mid-April and I guess shortly after these two showed up in their front yard tree, so did the cars and the cameras.

In fact, one of the cars was driven by a former National Geographic photographer who lives in Sandusky but, unfortunately, I can’t show you those images because they’re copyrighted. He's taken to perching himself on their neighbors rooftop and taking photos of the parents in their daily activities which include carrying fish from nearby Lake Erie to the babies.

The Ohio Department of Natural Resources flies helicopters around to try to locate the nests and then they periodically come back to check on their well being. Even though the bald eagle is no longer an endangered species, the eagles continue to be protected under the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act.

The law, originally passed in 1940, provides for the protection of the bald eagle and the golden eagle by prohibiting the take, possession, sale, purchase, barter, offer to sell, purchase or barter, transport, export or import, of any bald or golden eagle, alive or dead, including any part, nest, or egg, unless allowed by permit. "Take" includes pursue, shoot, shoot at, poison, wound, kill, capture, trap, collect, molest or disturb.

The 1972 amendments increased civil penalties for violating provisions of the Act to a maximum fine of $5,000 or one year imprisonment with $10,000 or not more than two years in prison for a second conviction. Felony convictions carry a maximum fine of $250,000 or two years of imprisonment. The fine doubles for an organization.

In 1990, the Lacey Act was passed in. It protects bald eagles by making it a Federal offense to take, possess, transport, sell, import, or export their nests, eggs and parts that are taken in violation of any state, tribal or U.S. law. It also prohibits false records, labels, or identification of wildlife shipped, prohibits importation of injurious species and prohibits shipment of fish or wildlife in an inhumane manner.

Penalties include a maximum of five years and $250,000 fine for felony convictions and a maximum $10,000 fine for civil violations and $250 for marking violations.

Curiously enough, the tree that this pair has chosen to nest in is dying, but my friends are not allowed to take down the tree because of the laws in place.



I tried lightening the exposure for more detail.



We did manage to see this little (??) guy standing in the nest and I couldn’t figure out why his head was brown. Apparently, they won’t reach full maturity until they’re 4 or 5 years old.

Unfortunately, we didn’t get to see Mom and Dad. Maybe next time!

Monday Morning Bernie & Millie

Ahhhhhh....the sweet smell of feet. Almost as good as ass.

So far, so good...

The 23 pound goal is what I hope to lose this month only.

The first step is admitting you have a problem

It’s springtime.

The time of year when a young girl's thoughts turn to summer romances...



... and a middle aged woman's thoughts turn to dieting...



If you’ve followed this middle aged woman for a while, you know that my thoughts turn to dieting way more than once a year. I’ve tried every diet book and infomercial on the market in pursuit of the elusive “goal weight.” Dieting has been a lifelong pastime for me every since I went to modeling school at 13 and was told that my 128 pound, 5’9 body could stand to lose a few pounds. And honestly, over the years, I never really had more than 10-15 pounds to shed but in my ignorant little head, it may has well have been 50.

Well, guess what? It’s now 50!

I’ve gained most of it over the last year. I’ve always been a stress eater but I never gained weight so I never saw it as a problem. I started on an antidepressant when Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in September of 2009. I think the combination of that, oh and eating like a horse, contributed to the gradual creepage of pounds. When I tell people what I weigh, they generally don’t believe it until they look down at my chest and see that at least 20 pounds are sitting there. Curiously enough, when I was in my early 20’s, I went for a plastic surgery consultation to “enhance” my figure. No need for that now.

A few days ago, I ran into a physician friend of mine that I haven’t seen since my skinny days. I made a preemptive strike and said, “Yes, I’ve gained a bunch of weight” but I don’t really think he heard me because he was too busy staring at my chest. Long story, short, he was telling me about this diet that he puts his patients on and I decided to try it.

It’s called the hCG Diet.

I have to admit that my first brief encounter with this diet was an afternoon at home, flipping through day time television from one mindless show to another.

“I lost 20 pounds in 30 days!”

That’s all I needed to hear to make me put the remote down and listen.

“I didn’t exercise at all.”

What?? Losing 20 pounds in 30 days and NOT having to exercise?

What? It’s a million dollars to sign up? Can I write you a check?

Here's the basic concept.

hCG, or Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, is a hormone naturally produced by the placenta in pregnant women and it controls the metabolic function through the hypothalamus. The hCG used in the diet is a variation of the hCG that is created in labs from sterile cells and used in fertility treatments so don't worry, no pregnant women were harmed for this diet.

Patients take a daily dose of the hCG and follow what is know as a VLCD, or Very Low Calorie Diet. No, I didn’t make that up. That’s actually the medical term for it unlike when I made up my medical diagnosis of F-A-T.

The day before I started, I shamelessly ate like an addict going to rehab.

"Yes, that's two Big Macs, large fries and an Rolo McFlurry". Can you believe those McBastards introduced a new flavor the week I started this?

Here’s the diet.

Breakfast:
Tea or coffee in any quantity without sugar. Only one tablespoonful of milk allowed in 24 hours. Saccharin or Stevia may be used.

Lunch:
1. 3.5 oz. of veal, beef, chicken breast, fresh white fish, lobster, crab, or shrimp. All visible fat must be carefully removed before cooking, and the meat must be weighed raw. It must be boiled or grilled without additional fat. Salmon, eel, tuna, herring, dried or pickled fish are not allowed. The chicken breast must be removed from the bird.

2. One type of vegetable only to be chosen from the following: spinach, chard, chicory, beet-greens, green salad, tomatoes, celery, fennel, onions, red radishes, cucumbers, asparagus, cabbage.

3. One Melba toast.

4. An apple, orange, or a handful of strawberries or one-half grapefruit.

Dinner :
The same four choices as lunch (above.)

The basic concept is that hCG causes your hypothalamus to mobilize the stored fat so that it’s available for use. While you are only consuming 500 calories, your hypothalamus is continually releasing the fat stored in your body. Because of this, your body is actually operating on thousands of calories a day.

Do I really buy into it? I'm not sure but I do know that I'm desperate enough to try it. Here's my diary for the first few days.


Day One: Felt a little hungry in the morning but after I drank some iced tea, it seemed to have passed. I made a chicken breast on the grill (3.5 oz is SMALL) and was pleasantly surprised by how full I was after lunch. I followed the program perfectly and I don't think I'll have a problem with it!

Day Two: Had my apple for breakfast and then had another 3.5 oz piece of chicken for lunch along with 3 stalks of asparagus and a Melba toast.

4PM, starving. Death is inevitable.

Okay, so this may be a little more challenging than I anticipated but I'm takin' it one day at a time.

Blogger, what did I ever do to you??

I STILL can't reply to comments or leave comments for any of you. And I know it's not just me because I see that a few of you have posted the same thing. Of course, I can't even reply to say, "Me, too!!"

Monday Morning Vinny

"Cool your jets, Mommy-O. You'll get your cell phone back as soon as the dog catcher returns my call."

Under the knife?

Yesterday, I took Miss Millie for the surgical evaluation of her torn ACL. We made the 45 minute trip to the specialist and when we got there, Millie was sure to let everyone in the waiting room and inner offices know that there was a Beagle in the house.

AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once we got in the exam room, she sniffed around trying to determine what the heck we were doing there. And then, of course, she had to let everyone know where said Beagle from the lobby was.



AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Surgeon came in and rolled his stool close to me while he asked me about Millie. I explained to him that I had rescued her from the Portage County dog pound and that I realized a few days later, that I had inherited a dog with a football injury.

He leaned in, “My goodness..” and placed his hand on my knee.

Now, normally I would have shot him my “WTF?’ look but hey, ACL surgeries are pretty expensive so I allowed it just in case we needed a discount or payment plan which they clearly didn’t offer as noted on the signs in the waiting room.

“Why don’t you walk her down the hall so I can take a look?” he said.

Oh geez, I thought to myself, are you going to take a look at Millie or me?

“Maybe you would like to take her?” I offered.

“No, then I won’t be able to watch her walk”.

Oh geez. I slooowly walked down the long hallway so that my booty wouldn’t bounce on the way down and the girls wouldn’t bounce on the way back.

The guy touched ME more through the evaluation than he touched Millie but GUESS WHAT??

Since I've been giving her an over the counter joint supplement, she's improved so much that the vet doesn't think she'll need surgery at all! We just need to cut back on our treats so she can lose a few pounds.

AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!