I knew it!

Friday, April 23, 2010

So you know how I've been lamenting over the fact that I've gained 30+ pounds in the last year, right?

And how my sister insists that it's perimenopause?

And how I'm sure that I'm NOT perimenopausal but that there must be something beyond my control physiologically that's causing this?

Well, I was finally able to get into an endocrinologist this week to see what might be going on. She asked me a series of questions:

1. Are you fatigued often? Yep.

2. Do you have trouble sleeping? Nope. Just waking up.

3. Any excess body hair? Well, I'm Armenian so this must be a trick question.

She ordered bloodwork to test my hormones, pituitary gland and thyroid. Thanks to McAfee, our computers have been down for 24 hours but I was able to get a copy of my test results to look over.

Now, keep in mind, I work in administration at a hospital. I'm not a doctor and I don't pretend to be one. However, I do have access to Google so I'm able to self diagnose virtually every disease I've ever had.

Here are some examples:

Symptoms - July, 2008

Pressure like chest pain radiating to my left arm

Clammy sweating

Rapid heartbeat and palpitations

Inability to catch my breath.

Self diagnosis: HEART ATTACK

Actual diagnosis by Emergency room physician: PANIC ATTACK

Symptoms - January, 2009




Muscle aches

Pain when urinating

Self-diagnosis: HIV

Actual diagnosis: BLADDER INFECTION

Symptoms - September, 2009

New growth on neck, dark and asymmetrical in shape

Raised texture to the touch

Found after spending a great deal of time outdoors in the summer

Self diagnosis: SKIN CANCER


Okay, so maybe I haven't been 100% accurate, but this time I'm feeling pretty confident.

I've evaluated my hormone levels. I've also looked at the normal versus overactive percentile ranges for pituitary activity and come to a conclusion.

Self diagnosis: I'M PREGNANT.

Behold and rejoice the Second Coming!

Or...maybe I just have gas. I'll let you know what the doc says today.


  1. Love this! You are so funny, guuuuuurl. Don't we all Google our medical fate? :)

  2. I think there should be a syndrome for women over-40 who diagnose themselves. Ahem.

  3. I once had a yeast infection and was itchy... down there... I swore I had pinworms.

  4. Hey Chrissy! Pregnant?! Bernie will be devastated! Still, the glow of the halo will save on electricity. Indigo

  5. My dog used to have false pregnancies and would even gain weight and produce milk. I'm sure you'll be fine. She died. Hope this helps.

    Any chance your possible pregnancy is a result of Plan C?

    I had a friend who found a black growth on his daughters back. He rushed her to the Pediatrician who looked at it and said she needed to see the dermatologist so they ran over and had it checked. He peeled it off with some tweezers. It was a raisin.

  6. Wow, nice cliff hanger! The suspense is killing me! Babies still take 9 months to gestate right? Just checking...seems like you have had the pregnancy symptoms since 2008 and according to my calculations (and google MD), that would make you the winner of the incubation award; a prestigious award for an elite group of gestaters. Could be your lucky day!

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  8. My best friend once thought she had herpes and rushed to the Dr to find out it was only razor burn. lol NO SELF DIAGNOSING it makes u crazy!

  9. "Behold and rejoice the Second Coming!"

    OH. MY. GOD.

    I laughed my ass off at that!!!!!!

    I could actually hear the trumpets blaring and the angels singing.....

    "ALLELUIA.....Baby Jesus Part 2!"

    Funny post, girl!!!!


  10. I could never work in a hospital... all that self-diagnosing would do me in. Still... I'm sure there HAS to be a reason for my plus size figure besides a sedentary lifestyle and mass quantities of Dr Pepper. I just haven't found it yet.

  11. Haha I hate Google for the fact that I always self-diagnose myself.


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