Monday Morning Vinny & Millie

"Maybe if I cover my face, no one will recognize me as the guy with the dog's nose in his butt."

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"Eeny, meeny, miney, moe..."

Original Post Date, November 24, 2010

I’ve been on and off dating websites for the last 10 years.

Good Lord. TEN years.

Recently, more off than on.

The last time was in 2009 when I tried out Plentyoffish.com (can you say FREE?) and met the manly man firefighter.



He subsequently went back to his wife. By the way, if you know of any men who are separated, please give them my number and they will be sure to reconcile with their ex in no time.

Then I tried the California guy thing and that went to straight to hell. And by the way, do you know that he never even emailed to see how my Dad was? How shitty is that?

Obviously, I had a lot going on this past year so dating was the last thing on my mind but I think I’m ready to get out there again. Whatever that means.

Last night, I went on Match.com just to peek around and see what the pickin's are and I actually found some interesting people. Of course, the bummer is that most of them have "40 year old woman" at the top of their age range. Maybe 41. The only ones who are willing to date 44 year old women are usually 74 year old men.


He's on my "maybe" list

The fact that you can be so specific about your “criteria” is what attracts me to Match.com over the others. No, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to only look for men who live within a 5 mile radius of my home. You know I’m lazy, so the last thing I want to do is drive any farther than I have to.

And sure, they can drive to see me but c’mon, it’s Ohio. I don't need some guy I’ve only been out with a few times to drive in from Akron during a blizzard and then use as an excuse that “the roads are too bad to drive back home, baby”.

Here's a snow brush, baby. Put your pants on and get out.

I know that I’m not looking for a serious relationship. All I want is someone to go out with once in a while and to "bada boom, bada bing"!

Wait. Does that mean "sex" or does it mean "killing someone"? I'm looking for the first one.

These were some of the profiles from last night.

A plumber? Nah...my pipes are in pretty good shape.

Graphic designer? Well, I am looking at a new website venture. I’ll save that profile to my favorites.

Landscaper? I really need a fall clean up in my yard. I wonder if he does snowplowing? Save that one…

Attorney? No, I’m good.

Electrician? Oh, I really want an outlet installed out front so I can do Christmas lights this year. Save to favorites…

No...I know...you're right!

I shouldn't be looking at these men for they can DO for me. I should be looking for someone who has the same morals, religious beliefs and interests as me. Because that's really the only way that I'll find someone that I'm compatible with.

Hold on...this one does drywall....

Shit girls say

Yes, totally sophomoric but I can't stop laughing at it.

Look out losers!

Get the inside scoop on celebrities with these mags.

I told you guys that I’ve been busting my butt to get in shape. Well, I’m happy to report that I’m down 10 pounds!

I’ll pause here until the applause subsides….

Thank you!

Only 30 pounds to go!

I knew that once I got a routine going again, I would be able to stick with it. Initially, I tried P90X again, but I just wasn’t feeling it this go around. My friend, Nancy, kept saying “Tracy Anderson….you should try Tracy Anderson….have I told you about Tracy Anderson?” Well, since Tracy Anderson is probably the only infomercial workout system that I don’t own, I logged onto QVC and ordered it. It will be all mine once I make the last of the four “easy pay” payments.

Here's the minx, Tracy, herself. A little skinny for my taste.

Can I just say that I LOVE this workout? Sure, initially I was cursing Nancy and the ground she walks on, but once I got the hang of it, I actually enjoyed it. Don’t get me wrong, it completely kicks my ass and I’m really only doing half of it. Let me explain.

The program is called Metamorphosis and it consists of a session of Dance Cardio combined with a full body workout. The Dance Cardio is 30 minutes long and the first day, I was able to do 5 minutes. Hey, don’t laugh, I was pretty impressed that I lasted that long.

Partly because of being grossly out of shape and partly because of my stupid foot. You know how I’m a klutz, right? Well, I guess that one of the 10 or 20 times that I’ve tripped/fallen in the last 6 months must have done something to the ball of my left foot. And what is it that you do in Dance Cardio? That’s right. You dance on the balls of your feet.

I went to the doctor last week and the x rays didn’t reveal any bone fractures so he ordered an MRI to see if there might be some tissue damage.

Have any of you ever had an MRI? I remember seeing those “Open MRI” places and thinking, “What the heck? Open MRI? Why would someone need that?” And then I had a regular MRI in the TUBE. I never knew I was claustrophobic until I had to lie in this tube that was inches from my body for 60 minutes as it hummmmed around me. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Luckily, the podiatrist directed me toward an extremity MRI facility where all I had to do was sit back, place my foot in a tube and watch Ellen for 45 minutes. I get the results this Friday.

The second half of the Tracy Anderson workout includes varying leg lifts.

Lots of them.

Like 200 on each side.

And for this, I paid $100?

But the awesome news is that I can totally feel my thighs getter harder and my butt lifting after just 4 weeks. Admittedly, I’ve been way less than perfect with my diet so I feel those things under the layer of fat that covers them. C’mon, it was the holiday. Of course, I was going to indulge in my favorite martinis, Christmas cookies and sweets. Now that the leftovers have been thrown out...okay, eaten...it’s time to focus on my diet as well.

I’ve decided to tackle this with the determination of a Biggest Loser contestant. I see it like this. The average contestant is on the ranch for 12 weeks, exercises 4-6 hours a day and loses, what, an average of 100 pounds? So if I work out for 12 weeks for 2 hours a day, I should be able to reach my goal by March 1!

And then I expect you all to pool your resources and reward me with $100,000.

Monday Morning Millie & Dino

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to

To say that I’ve had a challenging couple of years would be an understatement. I’ve experienced a roller coaster of emotions as this ‘resistant to change’ gal has had her whole world turned upside down.

We all have different ways of dealing with stress in our lives. Some people drink, some smoke or do drugs. My drug of choice happens to be food. And it was never a problem until I started gaining weight when I was about 42. The weight gain was insidious; 5 pounds here, another 10 there. On my 5’9 frame, it was barely noticeable.

I started on meds for anxiety and depression last year and subsequently gained another 40 pounds. Was it all from the meds? Heck no! I’m pretty sure that nightly pitchers of cocktails and gallons of ice cream contributed as well.

Looking back, I realize that I lived a lot of my life for my parents. Even before they were both ill. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I have any regrets or that I would have done anything differently. I’ve just been struggling for the last 9 months to figure out who I am and what I want.

I couldn’t tell you if I’ve grieved “properly”. I don’t know that there’s really a right or wrong way and I know it’s different for everyone. I’ve just been trying to move forward while struggling to make peace with a lot of the past.

It’s no secret that I’m really unhappy with my weight right now and I’ve been busting my butt to make some changes. When I went on a dating website a month ago, I knew I wasn’t in an emotionally healthy place for a relationship and was instead looking for a distraction through the holidays.

Then I met Macy’s guy. You know how it is when you instantly click with someone and you feel like you’ve known them forever? It doesn’t just happen with romance. I’ve met women who have become my kindred souls seemingly without effort.

Macy’s guy and I had common ground on so many things and we were never at a loss for conversation. We saw each other a few times a week and shared a lot as we talked for an hour every night. I even made the bold move to invite him to a get together with all of my closest friends and he readily accepted. The last time they met anyone I was dating was 5 years ago.

He seemed to be everything that I didn’t think I wanted and it seemed crazy because it was all so sudden and yet it kinda made sense, too. I vacillated between running like hell and jumping in feet first.

Last weekend, I hadn’t heard from him much and I was finally able to get him on the phone Monday night when he told me that he “didn’t want to pursue this any further”.

I didn’t understand and so I asked him, “Why?” His response was that he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to sound shallow.

My heart sunk and I thought of the struggles with my weight that I had shared with him. He was dumping me because of the way I look. I would have preferred that he had called me a bitch or told me that my moral compass was askew or that my pot roast was lousy but the way I LOOK??

This was unchartered territory for me and my knee jerk reaction was to defend myself and tell him how hard I had been working out. Then, almost as soon as I heard myself saying it, I retracted it realizing that I didn’t have to justify myself to someone who didn’t accept me as I was.

But you know what? I get it. I mean, I’m as shallow as he is, only I’ll reject someone immediately. I don’t string ‘em along and then change my mind. I guess he wasn’t the person that I thought (hoped) he was but the blow to my ego was devastating.

Have you watched any of the news coverage about the death of North Korean leader, Kim Jong-il, where they show the people of North Korea out in the streets wailing in sadness over the loss of him?

Yeah.

That’s how I was Monday night.

I took the dogs for a long walk and I sobbed all the way. I can’t believe no one called the police. I made sure to go down different streets where no one knew me!

I was so distraught but not over the loss of Macy’s guy. I guess I was crying over the loss of my youth, my hotness and everything that has to do with how I look. I had officially entered middle age and it sucked.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?

Oh yes.

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to.

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"Spanx me"

Original Post Date, July 2, 2010

“Maybe you should think about wearing a girdle.”

Ahhhh…Saturdays with Mom.

This is what my mother thinks I look like.



I believe my mother has a condition called reverse other people’s bodies dysmorphia. She sees me as way fatter than I am. Yes...yes! I've gained a lot of weight but I'm 5'9 so 40 pounds on me isn't the same as 40 pounds on someone who's 5'2. And besides, 25 of those pounds are in my boobs.


What is the big freakin' deal??

Then I came home and tried on one of my skirts from last summer. It didn't zip all the way up and I heard my mother's voice, "Maybe you should think about wearing a girdle." I don't even like wearing control top pantyhose but we're in a different time than when our mother's wore girdles. Today, girdles have fancy names like Spanx and they're trendy to wear. Heck, even Queen Oprah sings their praises.

So I went to spanx.com to see what the hype was all about. Oh, look! They have a new line of slimming swimwear. Okay, Spanx marketers. If you want to convince me that this bathing suit is going to make me look slimmer, don't show me a skinny bitch without an ounce of body fat wearing one.


"Look at me! I haven't eaten since May."

Show me THIS woman wearing the body slimming bathing suit if you want me to shell out $107.



I looked through all the nonsensically named bodysuits, shapers, panties and slips and finally decided on the "Higher Power" body shaper.



It has a high waist to eliminate the "muffin top" and longer legs to slim those cottage cheesey thighs. Wait a minute...$36?!?!?!

Well, I found one for a fraction of the cost on eBay and bought it. Yes, it's probably stolen since there was no packaging but I don't care. Didn't you hear the part about it being a fraction of the cost?

Let me tell you, ladies, (and curious gents) I HATE this stupid thing. First of all, it took me 5 minutes to get it on over my butt. My face was bright red by the time I did and I had to sit down and rest. The high waist doesn't stay high unless you're as thin as skinny bitch. The top rolled down by the time I got to work and created a larger bulge than ever existed before.

There's a handy dandy hole in the crotch for, I'm guessing here, relieving yourself. But it would be impossible to do without dribbling all over it. And besides, it just feels freaky walking around work in what are essentially crotchless panties.

Are they handy for a quickie? Oh, sure. But for as good as they might look under your clothing, they're less than flattering by themselves so it's not likely I would even get any takers.

Sorry, Oprah, I usually like every book, wine, car, hair product and musical artist that you suggest but I have to give you a big thumbs down on this one.

Well, whadya know??

Alas, after a little over two weeks, I reached my disgust threshold and took my profile down from the dating website. I love the things that men do to entice you.

Pictures of their cars

Picture of them cuddling dogs

Pictures of their houses

And my favorite going out of business line

"Hurry! I’m only on here for two more days before my membership expires." I think this was the guy who under "my favorite things to do", wrote SEX.

Hey, we didn't need Chess King and we don't need you!

Needless to say, I didn't fall for any of them. Instead, I fell for a picture of a handsome guy sitting on his living couch, smiling. Remember Macy’s guy? The one I fell in love with when he told me his father gets VIP seats to the Macy’s parade and then subsequently was annoyed with when he stopped calling after a week?

Well, he finally did call again and we went out for drinks.

Which led to dinner.

And more drinks.

And dessert.

And then FOUR HOURS LATER, we were both completely smitten with each other.

Which led to another date. And another. And another. I’ll keep you posted!

Monday Morning Vinny

I had quite a scare with Vinny this week. I noticed that he wasn't peeing in his litter box but I was smelling pee all over the rest of the house and finding it in little tiny spots.

I thought he might have a urinary tract infection so I asked a few cat owner friends and they suggested calling my vet just to be safe.

The vet was concerned that Vinny might have a blockage because that tends to happen in male cats more than females. If it's not treated quickly, they could die within a few days.

I took him in for an exam and the x-rays revealed that he has an unusually small bladder. There were no stones present but it was very inflamed in a condition called FIC or Feline Idiopathic Cystitis.

The actual cause is unknown but it can develop in cats when you only feed them a dry diet because cats need to get water from their food. They won't seek out water the way dogs will so Vinny has started on a prescription canned food diet and the vet suggested adding some chicken broth because the salt will encourage more water drinking.

She also suggested a pet fountain. You know how some cats and dogs like to drink out of a hose or a running faucet in the sink? The fountain provides the same concept. I found this one by Animal Planet.

The good news is that Vinny is peeing normally again.

The bad new is that it's on my living room rug.

The vet said that he might still associate the litter box with discomfort so I need to lock him in a room with the litter box so he'll start using it again.

Anything for my Vin Vin!

Free at last!!

I know a lot of you may have seen this already but I just had to share. Get out the tissues.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Monday Morning Millie

"Is Black Friday over yet??"

Oops, I did it again

ValueMags - cheap magazine subscriptions with free shipping.

You'll often hear me say, " I will never_______________"

...drink that much again.
...eat that much again.
...sleep with an ex again.

But I inevitably, DO_____________

...drink that much again.
...eat that much again.
and sleep with an ex AGAIN.


Well, I'm pretty sure that I said I would NEVER go on a dating website again.

Guess whaaaat?

And it's just as disastrous as it was ALL the other times. Okay, maybe disastrous is a little over reactive but unsuccessful doesn't seem like an adequate enough summation.

I've been having a pretty tough time entering my first holiday season without both of my parents so I wanted a little distraction and I thought internet dating might be a good place to find that distraction.

I was wrong.

As usual, I start out just looking at profiles. I'm not willing to plunk down my credit card until I'm pretty confident that there are at least 3 or 4 guys that I feel are worth my $35.00 gamble. Once I found a few, I was able to start searching.

I avoided the ones that are looking for their soul mate, lifelong partner or "woman to complete me". Remember, I was just looking for a distraction through the holidays.


This is his only photo


Nothing turns a lady on like a man wearing a wife beater


If he's 47, I'm 29. That dog is dead three times over.


Doesn't he have anyone who can take his picture so he doesn't have to use the reflection off his bathroom mirror?


The profile was for the guy on the right. Me likey.

I was communicating with a really nice guy who lived about 10 minutes from me. He was a carpenter but he also did plumbing and electrical so I found myself making a mental list of all the things I needed done every time I talked to him.

I fell in love with him when he told me that his father lives in NYC and gets VIP tickets to the Macy's parade every year! Ever since I was a little girl, I have been DYING to go to New York for the parade. I get up every Thanksgiving and watch it from start to finish. This year, when my sister came over at noon, I told her that it wasn't as much fun to watch without Mom and Dad making fun of me.

"You know I still think you're a freak", she replied.

"Aw....thanks, Lisa." sniff...sniff

Anyway, back to Macy's guy. Nice guy, funny, talked for a week and then POOF. He disappeared. Oh well.

The website copied Facebook and has the option to "like" a photo on someone's profile. I posted pictures of Millie and Dino and they get WAY more likes than me!

Same old story. They wink, I wink back. Nuthin. They email, I respond. Nuthin.

Since I wasn't having any luck on this website, I went to another and emailed this guy. He's a little bit older but I like his face. It has character.

Fingers crossed!

Monday Morning Vinny

"Damn, it's getting cold!

Wake me when it's time to go to Florida."

There's no place like home

You guuuuuuyyyyysss!!!

I've missed you all sooooooo much! Sooooo much has been going on that I've had absolutely no time to visit you guys or let you know what's been happening.

I was super sick for a little over two weeks with some chest/throat thing that I just couldn't seem to shake and now I think it's lingering bronchitis.

Here are my lazy nurses keeping watch while I'm too weak to move from the intoxicating cocktail of meds the doctor gave me.



The most exciting thing to come out of it was a sexy, throaty voice that held on for about 5 days. I liked to think that I sounded like Demi Moore but it was probably more like Brenda Vaccaro in a Playtex tampons ad.



For almost a week, I had little to no voice. I amused myself by the way I laughed or should I say, couldn't laugh. I would start to laugh but only little squeaks would come out and that just made me laugh more. I'm so easily amused.

The timing was perfect, though, because it was a few weeks before the November 8th general election and there were tons of people calling and knocking on the door to promote their particular issue. I usually don't answer the door but I was laying on the couch and assumed it was my neighbor since I had just gotten off the phone with him.

I was wrong.

I opened the door and hadn't even said anything when this woman went into her whole spiel about why Issue X was wrong. (Or was it right??) I let her give her argument, all the while, nodding and smiling. When she paused, I interjected something about why I was for (or was it against?) it and she leaned in..

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.."

I repeated myself, "I s-------- do-------e--------no-------". Every other letter was able to escape and make a sound but not enough of them grouped together to form an audible sentence.

She tilted her head, "I...I still don't...."

I kept pseudo-talking. "I---------wan-------g-------me------" and started waving my arms wildly.

She was so disgusted that she backed down the front steps, saying,"You know what? I'll come back another time and we can discuss it."

Hmmm...she never came back. You should try it!

Monday Morning Millie & Dino

"I know Dino was just stretching in his sleep but do you know what this could do to my political career?

We tell NO ONE about this. Do you hear me?? No one!"

Monday Morning Dino

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."
Mother Teresa




"And make it a dog."
Dino