It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

To say that I’ve had a challenging couple of years would be an understatement. I’ve experienced a roller coaster of emotions as this ‘resistant to change’ gal has had her whole world turned upside down.

We all have different ways of dealing with stress in our lives. Some people drink, some smoke or do drugs. My drug of choice happens to be food. And it was never a problem until I started gaining weight when I was about 42. The weight gain was insidious; 5 pounds here, another 10 there. On my 5’9 frame, it was barely noticeable.

I started on meds for anxiety and depression last year and subsequently gained another 40 pounds. Was it all from the meds? Heck no! I’m pretty sure that nightly pitchers of cocktails and gallons of ice cream contributed as well.

Looking back, I realize that I lived a lot of my life for my parents. Even before they were both ill. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I have any regrets or that I would have done anything differently. I’ve just been struggling for the last 9 months to figure out who I am and what I want.

I couldn’t tell you if I’ve grieved “properly”. I don’t know that there’s really a right or wrong way and I know it’s different for everyone. I’ve just been trying to move forward while struggling to make peace with a lot of the past.

It’s no secret that I’m really unhappy with my weight right now and I’ve been busting my butt to make some changes. When I went on a dating website a month ago, I knew I wasn’t in an emotionally healthy place for a relationship and was instead looking for a distraction through the holidays.

Then I met Macy’s guy. You know how it is when you instantly click with someone and you feel like you’ve known them forever? It doesn’t just happen with romance. I’ve met women who have become my kindred souls seemingly without effort.

Macy’s guy and I had common ground on so many things and we were never at a loss for conversation. We saw each other a few times a week and shared a lot as we talked for an hour every night. I even made the bold move to invite him to a get together with all of my closest friends and he readily accepted. The last time they met anyone I was dating was 5 years ago.

He seemed to be everything that I didn’t think I wanted and it seemed crazy because it was all so sudden and yet it kinda made sense, too. I vacillated between running like hell and jumping in feet first.

Last weekend, I hadn’t heard from him much and I was finally able to get him on the phone Monday night when he told me that he “didn’t want to pursue this any further”.

I didn’t understand and so I asked him, “Why?” His response was that he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to sound shallow.

My heart sunk and I thought of the struggles with my weight that I had shared with him. He was dumping me because of the way I look. I would have preferred that he had called me a bitch or told me that my moral compass was askew or that my pot roast was lousy but the way I LOOK??

This was unchartered territory for me and my knee jerk reaction was to defend myself and tell him how hard I had been working out. Then, almost as soon as I heard myself saying it, I retracted it realizing that I didn’t have to justify myself to someone who didn’t accept me as I was.

But you know what? I get it. I mean, I’m as shallow as he is, only I’ll reject someone immediately. I don’t string ‘em along and then change my mind. I guess he wasn’t the person that I thought (hoped) he was but the blow to my ego was devastating.

Have you watched any of the news coverage about the death of North Korean leader, Kim Jong-il, where they show the people of North Korea out in the streets wailing in sadness over the loss of him?


That’s how I was Monday night.

I took the dogs for a long walk and I sobbed all the way. I can’t believe no one called the police. I made sure to go down different streets where no one knew me!

I was so distraught but not over the loss of Macy’s guy. I guess I was crying over the loss of my youth, my hotness and everything that has to do with how I look. I had officially entered middle age and it sucked.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?

Oh yes.

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to.


  1. "I was crying over the loss of my youth, my hotness and everything that has to do with how I look." Well, I appreciate that's how you feel about it, but it could not be further from the truth. Don't let a douche drag you down. We love you, O Hot One!

  2. I dont really know what to say. Who does that crap? You are a gorgeous woman. Dont let anyone make you question that.

    I'm with IW, We love ya hun.

  3. "....only I’ll reject someone immediately. I don’t string ‘em along and then change my mind."

    I'm the same way, girl! I can usually tell immediately if something is not 'clicking' for me with someone, so if I know they feel more for me than I do for them, I will tell them how I feel right off the bat - as not to lead them on to think something else.

    You've been through SO MUCH these past two years, and I so admire and respect the way you've handled it all. Therefore, you don't deserve this additional CRAP from Macy's guy.

    Can I give you some advice?

    Take a moment to stand back and look at yourself in a mirror. And I mean REALLY look. And then begin to see yourself as we do.

    A physically STUNNING lady, with a heart and soul to match!

    ((((( Chrissy )))))

    You are so LOVED, my friend!


    P.S. And please feel free to call me if you want someone to talk to. I'm hear for you.

  4. What a jerk. I've never cared for people that judge a person by their looks. I'm overweight, and I tell ya, if anyone doesn't want to like me, or hang with me because of it, then too bad for them. They are the loser.

  5. But, you look great! This is unbelievable! And good riddance to Macy's guy of course. If he can't recognize quality, he doesn't deserve it. It's one thing to just not be attracted to someone, that happens (even to "hot" people) but he was obviously attracted to you and then couldn't get over his own shallowness. That's his problem, not yours. I hit middle-aged headlong when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to go through chemo. I was bald, without eyebrows or eyelashes, bloated, sick, and covered in hives for several months and Chris never flinched. He stayed right by my side (and he's 12 years younger and can only see middle age somewhere off in the distance). That's love and that's what you deserve and will find. It has nothing to do with youth or looks or weight or any of those things that change on a daily basis. But, in the meantime, you know, walking the beagles is always helpful. Seamus tells me that all the time.

  6. I'm still young and hot and none of it shows on the outside. Until someone looks. I have 7 grandkids and we play. Hunter has lots of men friends and we flirt. Don't let your self-worth come from others. You are intelligent and loving. Embrace YOU.

  7. You have been through a lot, and you're very brave to talk about it all. Yeah, what the guy said hurt your feelings...I think it would hurt anyone's feelings, you're only human. The thing is, his opinion is only that...his opinion. There isn't a single person on earth who couldn't find someone to hate on them for their outward appearance, and you found yours. Fuck him, or even better just forget him. Listen to your friends, but mostly listen to your hot inner self. It's still you. You're beautiful, smart, and accomplished. If it's better for your health, and for how you feel about yourself, by all means go on and work on losing the weight you don't want. But do it for you, not for some guy on a dating site. Hugs

  8. Wow, that guy is a jerk. While we all have physical stuff that works for us and doesn't, that is what you sift thru on the first meeting, and then it should be a non-issue.

    I am superficial in ways too. Macy's dude is a jerk. There is a HUGE difference!

    Sending warm thoughts your way... on to a better 2012!!

  9. Everyone lives with himself every moment of one's life. One does not need permission to feel for one's self.

    Socrates taught his students to "Know thyself". For some,this is a life long project. Although, certain realisations are difficult. A little drink, a little crying, helps to numb and purge.

    Acceptance, rarely comes in an instance, is also a process. It is an exercise in greater humanity. In other is one damn thing after another.

    People we encounter are either blessings, or hindrances. This one detoured you, that path is behind you. Go forward.

    And as you said yourself: "Don't worry, everything's going to be fine. Okay, probably not today...but eventually. I'm pretty sure."

  10. Good wishes to you. I hope this next year will bring you softer landings.

  11. well, i happen to know how beautiful you are so that doesnt fly. sometimes we are the last ones to see it cuz of our own egos and this crazy world. move on and be thankful that you didnt waste anymore time.
    try yoga, it helped me realize i am not my probs and i exist outside of all that let go...that leads to improvements in other areas.
    be kind to yourself this year and the rest will follow. you arent old and douche bags like him cant eat you or take away your focus that energy on something constructive. like more posts lol

  12. Oh, shit, ouch! Difficult to say anything halfway intelligent after that, I guess. On one hand, I don't want to blame the guy because I don't know him and because I guess you're right: we're all just as shallow as he told you he was. And of course, he wasn't your Mr. Darcy (I mean, imagine our gorgeous hot-as-hell considerate Darcy-lad treat a woman like that!). On the other, he deserves a High Five. Right in his face, of course.
    Anyway, could it be a relief if I told you I think you ARE a helluva gorgeous chick (make it a helluva wonderful lady if the "gorgeous chick" sounds too vulgar, okay?)? Or would you go all "that's just my luck, now I'm officially a FAG HAG!"?
    I kiss 'n' hug ya and wish you all the bestest for 2012. Btw, don't forget thet North Koreans weren't crying for the loss of their ancient dictator but because they knew what a nutty shitball their new one was.

  13. @Indigo Wrath,
    Thank you, sweetheart.

    @Simply Suthern,
    Thanks. I can sure pick em!

    You're such a good friend, thank you. I'm okay with it now. The stinging has gone away. :-)

    @Dazee Dreamer,
    Good for you! And normally, I wouldn't let it affect me this bad but it's been a rough year and I was already feeling down.

    Thank you so much. Does Chris have a brother??

    @middle child,
    You're so right. Thank you. :-)

    Thanks for the very kind words. I was already doing it for myself. I would never do it for anyone else.

    Thank you! YES. You figure that stuff out in the first 5 minutes.

    Love this. Thank you! And yes, I'm pretty sure it will be okay eventually. :-)

    @Laoch of Chicago,
    Thanks! Sheesh, me too.

    Thank you. And you're absolutely right. Thank God, I found this out about him now. Next it would be the color of my nail polish!

  14. @Dieter,
    Oh, honey, your comments made me laugh out loud! Thank you! I DO appreciate the compliment from you. You all have such good taste. LOL!!

    Funny you mention Mr. Darcy. I just watched that a few days ago.


  15. Chrissy, I am so sorry I havent kept on top of your blog. I wish I could wrap my arms around you with the biggest hug, and tell you it's going to be all right. XXOO T

  16. @T,
    Don't be silly. I haven't even kept up with my blog. :-)

    I'm really okay with it now. If anything,it's made me more motivated to keep working out like I was anyway.

    Thanks. xoxo

  17. You don't know me, and I only know you through this blog...but let me say it's his loss. Definitely his loss, my god.

    Keep your nerve up hotness, You'll find a guy to appreciate you one of these days.


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