Rest in peace, my friend

I know Sunday is my Secondhand day but I just heard that Art Clokey, the animator responsible for Gumby and my beloved Davey & Goliath, died over the weekend at the age of 88. This one's for you, Art. Thanks for the lessons.



"WHAT ARE YA WATCHIN', DAVEY?"

Original Post Date, January 12, 2009


I've come to the conclusion that I spend far too much time watching TV. There was a time when I didn't even own a TV. It was 2001. My set had broken and I didn't have the money to buy a new one because all of my money went to pay rent on my luxury apartment. I didn't have a TV or furniture but sure looked cool driving up to the front door of my fancy digs.

I actually got used to not having one and I was surprised by how much more productive I was. I cleaned, went for walks and read books. I think that was the year Napster was really popular so I downloaded a million songs. With a 56K modem. Oh, yes, I had nothin' but time.

I didn't start watching a lot of TV again until AT & T came a knockin' last summer. "Hey, we have this great new service called U-Verse. Would you like to try it?" I didn't think I wanted to try it but it wasn't much more than the basic cable/internet service I already had and they were offering me a DVR so I could "pause live TV and record up to a hundred programs." I didn't think I needed a hundred programs recorded but it was a lonely summer and the salesman told me I had pretty eyes so I signed up.

Can I just tell you this DVR is like crack? I spend more time sitting on my couch than I ever imagined I would. I started out by recording weekly sitcoms before I mastered the art of the search. Do you know that Davey & Goliath is on at 2AM every Thursday?

I used to watch the show every Sunday when I was a kid. If you aren't familiar with Davey & Goliath, it was about a mischievous little boy named Davey and his dog, Goliath. It was a claymation cartoon produced by the Lutheran Church so every episode had the underlying theme that God loved you no matter what. Goliath acted like Davey's conscience and talked in a voice that only Davey could hear. "You shouldn't be doing that Daveeyyy", Goliath would always drag out Davey's name.

Turning the show on all these years later brings back a lot of great memories but I notice things that I didn't when I was a kid. First of all, Davey's a little prick. He never listens to what anyone tells him but I suppose that's how he learns all those neato lessons. By realizing the err of his ways.

The claymation was done by Art & Ruth Clokey, the creators of Gumby. I guess they weren't really used to doing lifelike appendages because Davey's hands look like two baseball mitts that almost hang to his knees. His best friend is a little black boy named Jonathan who has the voice of a 45 year old man. "I have to go home and do my homework now, Davey." Creepy.

This episode talks about love and acceptance for everyone regardless of their race:



This episode does not...

I'm normal. Sort of...

I know it's all been fun and games up until now but it's time to get serious. You remember how I went to the doctor last month and how I was diagnosed
with F-A-T, right? Well, I had my follow up appointment this week and I was braced for what other news she was going to give me.

The nurse called to me in the waiting room.

"Chrissy Starr?"

I gathered my purse and walked toward the door.

"Hi Chrissy, how are you today?"

"The doctor diagnosed me with F-A-T, how do you think I am?"

"Okay....let's step on the scale and see what you weigh."

This is normally where I would decline and say, Just write down what I was the last time, but I have to admit, I was curious.

I put my purse on the chair next to the scale.

I removed my coat.

And my scarf.

And my shoes.

And my suit jacket.

And my necklace.

And my watch.

And my earrings.

I even spit out my gum.

One hundred@#%$!

WTF?!?!?

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It must be a mistake. I can't weigh that much! I tried bouncing on the scale to get another reading but it was no use. It was digital.



I hung my head and put on my earrings.

And my watch.

And my necklace.

And my suit jacket.

And my shoes.

And my scarf.

And picked up my coat and purse and headed to the exam room to wait for Dr. Banes.

"Hello, Chrissy, how are you?", Dr. Banes walked in.

"I'm great! How are you?", I feigned a happy response, hoping that would distract her from looking at the weight the nurse had written on my chart.

It was no use. She looked at my chart, looked and me and looked at the chart again.

"Well, it doesn't look like you've lost any weight from the last time you were in. I'm a little concerned. Please take a look at this". She handed me a weight chart.

I looked across for my age and then down for my height. There was a breakdown of three columns, small, medium and large frame.

There I am. What's the problem? I'm within the range.

Oh, wait. I am in the range but not for a medium framed, 5'9, 43 year old woman.

I'm in the range for a large framed, 43 year old man.

Who is 2 inches taller than me.

Son of a bitch!

"Maybe you could join Nutri System or Jenny Craig or something like that?", Dr. Banes suggested as she handed me a diet and exercise worksheet.

I smiled and nodded in agreement knowing there was no way in hell I was going to join. Let me remind you, I used to work for Jenny Craig. I would need to take out a home equity loan to be able to afford the food.

God bless, Dr. Banes. I know she means well but I don't need a diet and exercise handout or a food program. What I need is a psychiatrist.

And I don't mean one of those pretend psychologists like Dr. Frasier Crane. I mean, a psychiatrist, like Carl Jung, who said, "It is often tragic to see how blatantly a man bungles his own life and the lives of others yet remains totally incapable of seeing how much the whole tragedy originates in himself, and how he continually feeds it and keeps it going."

YES! Get me an appointment with that guy!


He looks so pleasant, doesn't he?


What? Oh. He died in 1961?

Crap! NOW what am I supposed to do?

Does anyone have a cookie?

Secondhand Sunday

I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I'm re-posting a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"ANORGASMIA"

Original Post Date, April 22, 2009

Anorgasmia: "The inability to reach orgasm during sexual stimulation."

This is one of the potential side effects from a new medication my doctor put me on for my condition.

I told Manly Man that this would be the perfect time for him to make his move since I'll just assume it's me.

My blood pressure is still pretty high and I was experiencing shortness of breath that was affecting my asthma so my doctor decided to add some pills and take some away.

Here's a list of some of the other potential side effects:

*severe stomach pain

*difficulty breathing

*swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat

*feeling light-headed

*fainting

*urinating more or less than usual, or not at all

*fever, chills, body aches, flu symptoms

*tired feeling

*muscle weakness

*pounding or uneven heartbeats

*chest pain

*swelling, rapid weight gain

*decrease in libido

Less serious side effects may be more likely to occur, such as:

*cough

*dizziness

*drowsiness

*headache

*nausea

*vomiting

*diarrhea

*upset stomach

*mild skin itching or rash

Side effects other than those listed here may also occur. Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome.

Doesn't it sound like I should just take my chances and keep the high blood pressure?I've had quite a few of these symptoms already. I'm finding the nausea particularly useful since every time I eat, I feel sick to my stomach. I've already lost 5 pounds.

I am absolutely exhausted, though, and a lot of people are asking me if I'm okay. I just feel kind of blah. It takes me a while to register what someone says and I lose my train of thought easily. One of the warnings said, "Do not operate heavy machinery or do anything that requires you to be alert."

I went to lunch with my sister on Tuesday, five days after I had started this new round of medication and she told me that I looked like a Stepford Wife with my expressionless face and blank stare.





I'm trying to work through the side effects and see how I feel after a few weeks. I would prefer to be off meds completely and I'm a big proponent of natural remedies but I think I should get it controlled before I...

What was I saying?

Lunches with Lisa

My sister had a belated Christmas gift exchange with a friend yesterday. Lisa was upset that her friend had bought her a rather expensive gift and that she hadn't spent as much.

I told her, "Dear, sweet Lisa...your friends aren't judging you by the amount of money you spend on gifts."

"They're not?", she replied with a hopeful gaze.

"Of course not, silly. They're judging you by the way you look. Please get a decent haircut."

C Cleveland

In the mid-19th century, all major US cities had their own volunteer militias with their own uniforms, flags, weapons, and bands. In Cleveland, this unit was called the "Cleveland Grays", named after their gray uniforms.

The Grays were founded in 1837 and were the first Cleveland group to fight in the Civil War. They rode with General Pershing in the Spanish American War and with the 145th Infantry in 1916 in World War I.

The group built a huge sandstone castle in 1893 as the "Grays" headquarters. This massive five-story fortress was designed in the Richardson Romanesque Revival Style. The main building is four stories high and its most notable feature is the five story tower that sits atop the northeast corner. The tower's 3' x 5' foundation blocks, the main entrance corners, and the front window lintels are all of solid rough-hewn sandstone. The main entry arch rests on polished granite columns that rise from each cornerstone.



Poised above is a black wrought iron drop-gate, a gothic barrier between the front steps and the colossal oak doors. Pointed iron rods bolted to the scarlet brick walls make up window protectors on the first floor. The effect is a splendid mix of color and texture in materials.




While the original intent of the building was to house weapons arsenal and provide a drill hall, over the years it hosted a number of social events vital to the community.

Today, it features a 10,000 square foot ballroom, a basement shooting range, a wood-paneled library, and walls and walls of military memorabilia.

Visitors and staff at the Armory have claimed to hear footsteps when no one was present as well as seeing Civil War era apparitions.



The Grays mission is to preserve the historical Armory Museum, support our Armed Forces and advance the military heritage of Greater Cleveland. Grays Armory is open only for private parties and special events but does provide a number of community education programs.



Text of the Historical marker:

Side A : "Cleveland Grays"

The Cleveland Grays were organized by statute in 1837 as an independent volunteer militia company. The Grays were the first company to leave Cleveland for service during the Civil War.

In April 1861, they were designated Company E, 1st Ohio Volunteer Infantry (OVI). They saw action at Vienna Station and First Manassas and also served in the 84th OVI and were on duty with the 150th OVI at Fort Stephens when Confederate General Jubal Early attacked Washington in the summer of 1864.

During the Spanish-American War the Grays volunteered for service and were admitted to the National Guard as the 1st Battalion of Engineers, 10th OVI. In 1916, they joined General John J. Pershing's Punitive Expedition against Mexico.

After service on the Mexican border, the Grays became part of the 1st Battalion, 148th Infantry Regiment, 37th "Buckeye" Division. (continued on other side)

Side B :(continued from other side)

Assigned to the Western Front, the Grays would see action in the Meuse-Argonne Offensive of 1918. World War I was the last active service of the company.

During subsequent conflicts from World War II through the Persian Gulf War, individual members have served in the armed forces.

In 1893, the Grays constructed an armory at 1234 Bolivar Road in Cleveland. The armory became a center not only for the organization's military activities, but also for many of the city's social and cultural activities.

The first concert of the Cleveland Orchestra, Cleveland's first automobile show, and performances by the Metropolitan Opera and John Philip Sousa and his band were held at Grays Armory.

Still in existence as an historic and ceremonial organization, the mission of the Grays is to interpret the military heritage of Greater Cleveland and to preserve Grays Armory.




Museum war memorabilia


Cannon on display


Pipe organ

I've created a monster

I've had Bernie for almost 3 years now. I was so excited to get a dog that, from day one, I took her on walks in the morning and at night. I basically trained her to expect a long walk before she would do her business. And when we get home, she gets a cookie.

It's been exceptionally cold and snowy lately. I've silently cursed myself for not teaching her to go in the yard so we could avoid long walks on blustery days and I've wished that I could get her to do it.

One morning a few days ago when the temperature was 12 degrees, I bundled us both up in anticipation of another fun filled morning stroll with Bernie sniffing every snow drift looking for the right spot to unload.

To my surprise and delight, she ambled down the steps, squatted, did her business and went back up the steps, ready to head inside. I was thrilled but I figured it was probably just a fluke and wouldn't happen again.

I was wrong.

My darling little girl has faithfully gone every day, morning and night, in the area I shoveled clear for her in front of the door. However, this morning, she decided to take her efficiency to the extreme. I had barely opened the front door when she squatted which caused me to trip over her and almost fall down the front steps.





Here she is admiring her work.


"Get in here and give me my cookie."

I guess you have to be careful what you wish for.

Stripper chick wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.

"Chocolate is a great tonic for filling a life of emptiness and regret."

Can you find me?

Most of us in the blogging community use some sort of counter to see how many people are visiting our blogs. The one that I use also gives you a breakdown of recent phrases that are used in Google searches.

Because of my blog title, people navigate to me through some interesting channels. I had so much fun with this before, I thought I would list some more.


1. Was Meryl Streep a stripper? (Can someone explain this to me? How many times are people going to ask this? Really??)

2. Two men jerking off together watching a stripper

3. My naughty man wearing my bra

4. Why won't my girlfriend wear a strap on?

5. Cartoon porn

6. Best stripper perfume

7. SchoolBusGropers.com (I was too worried the po-po would show up at my door if I checked to see if this even existed)

8. Real women naked. (as opposed to #5)

9. Beagle love

10. Is my teacher a cougar?

It's a sign

Okay, I've put this plate through the dishwasher three times and it still comes out looking like this.

I think the ghost of Gypsy Rose Lee is trying to send me a message.

Stripper Chick Wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.

"When people say to you,'Don't worry, it will all work out,' they're just humoring you.

You're doomed."

Slippery when....clothed?

I hate to burst your Chrissy fantasy bubble but I rarely sleep in the nude. Unless, of course, it's 500 degrees and my air conditioning is broken.

No, I'm just not that 90's Cosmo girl anymore. You know, the one that read articles like, "Ten Ways to Make Your Man Crazy in Bed" and then broke up with my boyfriend who wondered how I had learned what a reverse cowgirl was since our last date. "Look, honey, it's here in Cosmo. I swear!"

No, I don't show up at his door wearing a garter belt and stockings under my trench coat anymore and I lost my G-spot somewhere back in 1998. Sometimes I miss that playful tart but I guess I just haven't had enough opportunities as of late to find her again.

You may recall my love-hate-love relationship with Facebook in the last 6 months. I ventured on in August and found a man I had dated in 2004. In a nutshell, it didn't work out back then. Fast forward to 2009 and another go around, this time long distance;he in California and me in Ohio.

We talked for about 4 months and made a few tentative travel plans that never quite came to fruition. As luck would have it, his holiday plans changed and he was going to be in Cleveland for a few days. I wanted everything to be perfect because it had been so long since we had seen each other. I cleaned the house, bathed the dog and trimmed the tree. I dyed, plucked and shaved places that haven't seen the light of day since July. Of 2008.


My friend, Lucy, gave me gold satin sheets for Christmas to "spice up" my long overdue rendezvous with the man I call, My Favorite. I always wanted satin sheets but they seemed too extravagant of an indulgence. As one might expect, they feel fabulous against your skin and require nudity to create enough traction to keep you from sliding out of bed.

Everything seemed perfect. I'm not really sure what happened. Well, I could give you my version but it probably wouldn't be the same as his and it wouldn't be fair to him anyway.

But I decided to keep those satin sheets on. That lasted about two days. My pillows ended up on the floor by morning and my sheets almost suffocated poor Bernie when they slid off in the middle of the night.

Back to my old tank top and flannel sheets. However, I did find an interesting article at Cosmopolitan.com that will keep me company tonight, "Your Hands-On Guide to Solo Sex".

WHOOPEE!!

HEY!

You, guuuuuyysss!

It's been ONE YEAR since I started this blog. I can hardly believe it! One year since I sat down and said, "Gosh, I have lots of superfluous crap in my head. I should start writing it down and see if I can get my friends and family to read it..."

I know I've said it before but, wow, what an adventure this has been. A year ago, I didn't even know that this vast blogging world existed and I had no idea that I would make friends with people on the other side of the world as well as right in my own backyard.

I appreciate each and every one of you who supported me when I said I hated Facebook and then acted the true friend when I succumbed to the pressure and sent my first "friend request".

I felt the camaraderie when my garage sales went bust, public blogs I followed went private and when the young stock boy at Target said to me, "How YOU doin'?...."

Most importantly, I felt your love when relationships went awry and when Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer.

I don't know what the next year will bring for me and Bernie, but we're looking ahead with just a little more hope and excitement knowing that you'll be along for the ride.


Love,
Chrissy

Stripper Chick Wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.

"Your sexual fantasies are really messed up.

I would seek professional help if I were you."

Secondhand Sunday

I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I'm re-posting a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"BADA BING!"

Original Post Date, January 30, 2009


I grew up in Cleveland and I love the ethnic diversity. It's no secret that the city has an extensive organized crime history dating back to the early 1920's. My earliest recollection of this group called "The Mob" was in the late 70's during the mob wars when a relative of one of my sister's friends was blown to smithereens in the parking lot of a medical building in a quiet suburb after he came out of the dentist's office. Now if you're feeling sorry for him, don't.

He started out as a longshoreman on the Cleveland docks and rose to be a big player in the Cleveland mafia. He was personally responsible for a number of murders and his weapon of choice was a car bomb. He was once quoted as saying, "You live by the bomb, you die by the bomb". And that he did. At one point, there were so many bombs detonated in the city, that it was dubbed, Bomb City USA by media all across the country.

The bosses and their men all had colorful nicknames like "Peanuts", "Big Ange", "Lips" and "Butchie". I do remember going to school with a kid nicknamed Happy who drove a brand new Cadillac at 16 but I didn't ask questions.

I'm sure organized crime still exists to some degree today but it's not something I really think about much. My morning commute includes a stretch of road that leads you down a tall hill to a neighborhood known as "Little Italy".

The streets are lined with bakeries, restaurants, smoke shops, art galleries and a private Italian club. Hmmmm...I wonder who frequents the private Italian club? The sign on one bakery reads, "Leave the gun, take the cannoli."

The drive is so routine that I can do it with my eyes closed and I don't really pay much attention to anything on the way in.

A few days ago, though, slow traffic invited my gaze to wander to the sign at the top of the hill. Someone had spray painted it to read, "Traffic laws mob enforced."

Maybe it's just a reminder for when we forget. Capiche?

C Cleveland

One of the best places in town for bibliophiles and architectural lovers is the Cleveland Public Library. The library system has 28 branches but today, we're going to focus on the main branch in downtown Cleveland.


Main library, Superior Avenue

The library was founded in 1869 in a rented room; a far cry from the almost 10 million item collection it boasts today. As its circulation grew, Director, William Howard Brett searched for a permanent home for the library.





Early bookmobiles

In 1916, eight architectural firms competed for the design of the new library and Cleveland firm, Walker & Weeks was selected. In 1923, the new library opened to much celebration and was attended by then British Prime Minister, Lloyd George as Guest of Honor. The cost was just under $5 million, a combination of voter approved bonds and a state legislated bond issue.

By the 1950's, the library had outgrown its space once again and was fortunate to purchase the 6-story Plain Dealer (Cleveland newspaper) building for $1.8 million.



While it has grown technologically, it fiercely protects and preserves its vast collection and founded a Preservation Office in 1988 to serve this purpose.

The Main Library's special collections include the Mears and Murdock baseball collections, the Cleveland Theater collection, the John G. White chess and checkers collection, a 130,000-volume children's collection, a 74,000-volume rare book collection, and collection of 1.3 million photographs.


1943 Yankees World Series lineup


Babe Ruth


Cincinnati Red Stockings


Cleveland Athletics, 1871

In 1992, the library was once again expanded with a new $65 million ten-story building connected to the old one through an underground floor. This new building houses 30 miles of book shelves, enough for 1.3 million books.


New addition

The main library building underwent a $24 million extensive renovation which updated electrical, plumbing and ventilation systems. The exterior marble was cleaned, decorative metalwork was repaired and polished and the original leather doors were given new life. The building was given back its original life and luster without compromising the integrity of the original design.


Entrance to general reference room




Detail of the ornate ceilings


Leather doors


Lobby

This year, I resolve to...

I'm no different than the next guy. I make my New Year's resolutions and stick to them for approximately 7.5 days. At that point, I break one and that creates a snowball effect, resulting in feelings of defeat all over again.

Maybe my resolutions are too lofty. By setting the bar too high, it's inevitable that I won't attain them, right?

This year I've decided to be realistic in my resolutions and looking over the list, I'm confident that this will be the year that I will finally stick to them.


1) Spend too much time watching TV

2) Curse like a sailor

3) Stay in a job that doesn't fulfill me because, hey, it's a paycheck.

4) Have meaningless sex whenever the mood hits me

4) Gain more weight and continue to bitch about it

5) Eat excessive amounts of candy daily

6) Have a pity party for myself at least once a month

7) Take a nap when the urge to do physical activity overcomes me

Wish me luck!