Secondhand Sunday

I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I'm re-posting a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"ONE RINGY DINGY"

Original Post Date, August 8, 2009


I needed to call Home Depot a few days ago. I reached for the phone to call information and I thought, Why waste the money to call 411 when I can just look it up in a phone book?

I went into the kitchen to get one and I pulled out the first one in a pile of phone books that were in the drawer.

Here we go. White pages in front, yellow in the back. I checked the white pages first.




H.....H-A......H-E.....H-O.....Hmm...no Home Depot.

Guess I'll check the yellow pages in the back.

Hardware Store....nope

Home Improvement....nope

What the heck? What else could it be under?

Paint? nope

Lumber? nope

Okay, I wasn't going to find it there so I pulled out the next phone book.

This one was yellow pages in the front, white in the back.



Again, I checked the white first.

H......H-A......H-E......H-O......nuthin'.

I flipped it shut to check out the title. Maybe I was looking at a residential book. Nope. "Greater Cleveland Business Listings."

I opened it again but this time to the yellow pages in the front.

Hardware store....nope

Home improvement....yes! Home Depot! But there was only one listed and this one was 35 minutes away. My Home Depot is 3 miles up the road.

I flipped it shut again to see if I was looking at a westside book. I live on the eastside. Nope. "Greater-Cleveland-Business-Listings."

Well, it wasn't in there so I pulled out the next book. "Heights area and Surrounding Communities." That's me! I'm Heights Area and Surrounding Communities. Jackpot!

This one was all white pages. Easy enough.

H....Hanson....Herman....Heisley....wait a minute! These were all proper names. I closed the book to check the cover.

"Heights Area and Surrounding Communities
Residential Listings"

Son of a bitch!

I threw the phone book on the floor and pulled the next one out, titled "The Real Yellow Pages." Well, it's about damn time.

I was feeling confident so I started with the yellow pages instead of the alphabetical white ones this time. I had luck with Home Improvement before so that was where I began.

H....H-A.....H-E.....H-O....Home Improvement. Home Depot! And there were lots of them.

Mmmmm....not my store....not my store....closer, but no.....nope.....where's that?....nope.

Son of a bitch!

It had to be in there somewhere. These were "The REAL Yellow Pages!"

H.....H-A....Hardware....Home Depot! There were a few more listed so mine must be here.

Mmmmmm....nope, not me.....no....is that still open?.....nope....

Son of a bitch!

I took ALL of the phone books out and threw them on the floor.



I couldn't take it anymore. What happened to TWO phone books? One residential and one business? Why can't I find a goddamn phone number??

I broke down.


"Information? What number, please?"

"Oh God, I can't remember. Let me call you back."