I know, shocker, right?
Sparky and I have decided to start seeing each other again.
And by seeing each other, I mean naked.
We've been in touch on and off for a while. He lost his mother a few months before Dad died in August but I haven't really been ready to see him until now. Neither one of us has any false notion that we're rekindling a grand love affair. We always had fun together but there was something missing that could have made it more.
I suppose I've been putting him off because I was unemployed the last time we dated so I had lots of time to work out and consequently, was in the best shape of my life. I'm a little embarrassed that I've gained so much weight since then, especially since he works out daily and doesn't have an ounce of fat on him.
Somewhere along the way, I crossed the line from being Rubenesque and longing for a starving artist to paint me in the nude to being zaftig. Now, that would be great if I, say, lived in a 17th century painting...
...or was a resident of Mauritania where they revere the "healthy woman".
As I've mentioned before, with this weight gain has come ginormous boobs that didn't exist before.
It's really opened me up to a whole new type of guy.
The Boob Man.
I used to attract the Leg Man but there's been a vertical shift.
I think Sparky was always secretly a Boob Man so my strategy is to draw his focus up HERE which will keep his focus away from THERE. Hey! I know he has to go down THERE eventually but I'm talking about my big fat ass.
Which, by the way, attracts yet another type of man. The African-American. I'm not used to all the booty attention but I can't say I'm hating it.
Anyway, back to Sparky. I'm trying to capitalize on the home court advantage so I've already installed room darkening blinds and dimmers on my lamps. And if I start chickening out, I'll suggest a blindfold.
I know, I'm taking all the fun out of it.
You're right. I should cancel, right?
Okay, I'll cancel.
Should I?
Okay, I will.
Should I?
Hey Chrissy, forget the blinds and low lights, you're a prize any day of the week. The man should be in awe of you. If he's not, send him packing. We'll send some hunky appreciative firemen over of which you can choose one. Just in case you were wondering. Indigo x
ReplyDeletea very complicated love life scenario. so many body parts, so little time!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Indigo. Well not really, I dont know him, but I agree with him. You're smokin hot. You dont need to change a thing for a man. I'm still numb from the virtual kiss.
ReplyDeleteBoob man or leg man, if he dont like you for you then I'd say he was an Ass, man.
Go on girl! Getcha sum! Do you think if he's gained he gives a damn? Guys tend to think they are God's gift not matter what size they are (double entendre). To make my point, I give you the Speedo.
ReplyDeletejust how old do we have to be to embrace the "this is me. deal with it." notion and not give a good devils damn any more? women may have come a long long way, but somehow if we're not trying to please men we still secretly feel like we're nothing.... as Pink would say; "You're perfect. F*ckin' perfect!"
ReplyDeleteChrissy you kill me....
ReplyDelete"so I've already installed room darkening blinds and dimmers on my lamps. And if I start chickening out, I'll suggest a blindfold."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
Listen, you're perfect exactly the way you are. And just as Indigo shared...."this man should be in awe of you!"
So GO for it, girl!
X
You go 'head girl. Get some! Woo! And don't worry about body parts. I'm pretty sure that'll be the last thing he's thinking about mid- uh, well, you know.
ReplyDeleteBesides, like everyone else said, you're a catch! Woo!
"Boob man or leg man, if he dont like you for you then I'd say he was an Ass, man."
ReplyDeleteSimply Suthern, that's priceless!
You're hilarious! No don't cancel!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely don't cancel, just go for it and have some fun with the guy. Oh and candles provide far more atmoshphere than darkening blinds... and the blind fold, use if for the fun not chickening out :).
ReplyDeleteOkay, I don't generally do a collective response, but this time I will. Thank you all for your kinds words and encouragement but it's not about how HE'LL perceive me, it's how I perceive myself.
ReplyDeleteI've always based my self-worth on the way I look. Yes, with age has come wisdom and I logically know that I'm, well, fabulous! But old habits die hard and I'm struggling with that.
And, I agree, Simply Suthern...hysterical comment!
So twilightgazing, can I use a lava lamp instead? :-)
Not to be tmi or anything, but I've always been a butt man myself, but then I dated a girl for four years who had 36 double-d's, then we broke up and I started dating a girl who is better looking and likes her boobs played with....so I feel as if I have been conditioned to be a boob and butt man.
ReplyDeleteFunny entry. :) I especially liked the comment about attracting African Americans. Lol!
I think you're freakin' hilarious....I'm new to your blog...but gave you an award, cause you crack me up! Go check it out on my blog! :):)
ReplyDeleteOh, and I'm your newest follower - Be Warned!