You can't make this stuff up

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook page and it makes me laugh hysterically every time I watch it. Apparently, it was a real news story that someone parodied.

My intention is not to joke about the topic in any way.

It's just good, politically incorrect fun so please take it as such.

Monday Morning Bernie

Is it just me or do you think Bernie is trying to tell me something?

We buried my beloved father today.

As you know, he valiantly fought lung cancer for the last eleven months but unfortunately, he lost the battle. He developed pneumonia last Wednesday and was taken to the hospital. They didn't expect him to survive the night but somehow, he did.

He was a little stronger on Thursday but we knew his prognosis was not good. By Friday morning, he was quickly declining. My father, ever the optimist and never one to complain, stated that he was having a "bad day" which, in itself, revealed the gravity of his condition.

The doctor suggested we transfer him to Hospice House and Dad agreed. He knew that his days were few and he didn't want to take his final breath in a hospital room. His hospice nurse arranged for the transport and Dad, the consummate gentleman to the end, held out his hand to greet the men who would be transporting him.

He passed peacefully the next day, taking his last breath as we all sat vigil at his bedside.

I never pictured the day that I would be choosing the clothes to bury my father in so it was almost surreal to be going through his closet doing just that less than 24 hours later.

The funeral home that we chose is one that we've had experiences with in the past and they're really great to work with. The business was started in the early 1900's by their grandfather in a largely Italian part of Cleveland. In the mid-60's, they moved to a suburb that is highly populated by Italians as well and the family is pretty old school.

As we were meeting with Nick, the phone rang and he excused himself to answer it. He explained that he was the only one there that day so he was going to call his mother to see if she would answer the phone. He was a little anxious that she might be upset because she was in the middle of making meatballs. My father would have been so amused by that.

Further into our consultation, brothers, Anthony Jr. and Dominic came in to express their condolences as well. My mother took no time to find out which of the brothers was single and practically pushed my chair in his direction.

It was Dominic, by the way.

I'm not really sure if she was trying to get me a date or get herself a discount.

Neither one happened.

We bickered over the details and that kept the tears at bay. As we got in the car, she turned to me and said, "You're still going to Weight Watchers when this is over."

You know how my mother is horrified that I've gained 40 pounds. Well, she tricked me into promising my dying father that I would join Weight Watchers and Saturday was to have been my first day.

It's nice to know that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Someone has a Guardian Angel

You know what a stickler I am for home security. I guess it's just force of habit after 20 years of living by myself.

Holy crap...20 years...

I have three doors in my house: the front door, side door and the door off the deck. Each night, I check that each door is locked and that the deadbolt is secure. I was sure to buy a house with a second floor master so that I wouldn't have to worry about leaving my windows open at night and having someone climb in and kill me.

Of course, the last two weeks have been insanely hot so the thought of even leaving any windows open hasn't crossed my mind. My air conditioning and ceiling fans have been working overtime and may I say, they've done a spectacular job.

Take a bow, A/C and Hunter ceiling fans. clap...clap...clap...

Still, I was really distressed when Bernie and I were out walking a few days ago and one of my neighbors told me that the house across the street from her was broken into and robbed.

In the middle of the day, no less! On my street!

No need to panic, I suppose. I mean, I have all the proper security measures in place.



Home security system, with sign visible to deter potential burglars. Check!



Steel doors with deadbolts. Check!



Security latches on all windows. Even the upstairs ones. Check!



Vicious guard dog. Check!
Oh, who am I kidding? She's practically a stuffed animal.


Anyway....

So far, this seemed to be working pretty well but last night, there was just one little thing I forgot to do.



Take my key out of the front door.


Then, as I walked around the house in a panic this morning, I realized that all of my windows have been unlocked since the last cool day when I had them open.

Which was TWO WEEKS ago!



Did I mention that these front screens just push right out? Yes, they're in the front of the house but I'm sure it would be much easier to do under the cloak of darkness. You know, since the streetlight in front of my house is burned out.

Good Lord, it was the perfect storm!

I think someone's looking out for me, don't you?

Monday Morning Bernadette

Just Sunday

Sundays are usually the day that I devote to Secondhand Sundays;the day I do a rewind and repost a favorite blog. This is one Sunday when I wish I could actually DO a rewind to a year ago, before Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.

In the last few weeks, he's really started fading fast. They stopped the chemo a month ago and the cancer appears to be spreading pretty rapidly. Fucking cancer. I've been trying to prepare myself for this since we got the diagnosis a year ago but I had no idea this was going to be so hard. I know. Duh.

He no longer talks about what he wants to do in the future like he was before. Now he just tells me how much he loves me and what a wonderful daughter I've been. I try so hard to be strong and not break down in front of him so he doesn't feel bad but sometimes, it's just too overwhelming.

My cousin came up from Florida with her family this weekend and said her goodbyes. After all, Uncle George is everyone's favorite uncle.

It doesn't make things easier than work is so stressful right now. I'm really tired of dealing with physicians egos when they don't get their way. I want to scream out, Do you think any of this shit really matters?

I just wanted to take a minute to let you all know why I've been posting so infrequently and ignoring all of your blogs. Sometimes it's hard to find the funny when your heart is breaking.

Note to self: Buy waterproof mascara

Love you guys,
Chrissy

Oh no, he DI-INT!!

I canNOT get enough of this train wreck! So happy they aren't Democrats.


And just like that, it's over. Again. Less than a month after announcing they were back together and engaged, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have called it quits for the second time.

"It's over. I broke up with him," Palin says. She tells People Magazine's Sandra Sobieraj Westfall that she dumped her baby daddy the same day they announced their reunion in an US Weekly cover story.

That evening, Johnston broke the news that he may have gotten another girl pregnant, and then subsequently flew to Los Angeles, where he's set to film a music video in which he plays a boyfriend warring with his girlfriend's mother. (Hmmm, where have we heard that before?)

Palin says she's seen Johnston just once in the last three weeks. "He's just obsessed with the limelight, and I got played," she said, tearfully.

In a statement, Sarah Palin tells People, "I wish for Bristol to be able to move forward in life with her same forgiving, gracious, optimistic spirit, but from henceforth she'll know to trust but verify. Bristol is strong, she is independent, and she knows what is right for her son."

Notable Quotables from Jersey Shore

My sister and I were discussing yesterday how we don't really feel "grown up" and we deduced that part of the reason is probably because we don't have kids.

I suppose that's why most of my friends who are busy raising their children have no idea what happens on every episode of Jersey Shore like I do. Unless, of course, their teenage children tell them.



I've decided to start a weekly post devoted to the silly things that these trashy, dumb as a box of rocks Guidos and Guidettes say.

I just can't get enough of them!




Vinny's plan is to "get with 60 girls, and if I can’t get one one night, I’ll just double up the next."


I think this poor Mama's boy is still a virgin.








Pauly D: "Angelina rooming with me and Situation could be a good thing or a bad thing. I don't want the drama in Miami, but then again maybe there'll be a slow night, it's raining, we got no chicks — you never know what can happen".


Pauly is a 30 year old disc jockey from Rhode Island. Rhode Island! I didn't know they had any Italians in Rhode Island. Or disc jockeys.










Angelina: "I'm tryin' to be classy right now!"



She calls herself the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. Lofty aspiration, isn't it?







Tune in for more Notable Quotables next week!

Secondhand Sunday

I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I'm re-posting a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"Random acts of kindness"

Original Post Date, April 15, 2010



This morning when I let Bernie out, I saw this poor little animal that had been run over in the street at the end of my driveway. I couldn't tell if it was a cat or a rabbit but I knew it would be pretty traumatic for the little girls that wait for the school bus across the street from my house.

I decided to walk across the street and give them a lesson in life and death. I explained to them that it was the animal's fault for being too slow crossing the street and as a result was killed by a passing vehicle.

I told them that if they didn't want to end up like that animal, that they should pick up the pace and not dilly dally.

Here they are running for their bus a few minutes later.



It feels really good to make a difference in a child's life.