Don't try this at home

For some reason, I've had this corn on the cob kick lately. Every night, I boil one ear of corn with dinner. Last night, I got home pretty late and decided that I would treat myself to two ears of corn. So, of course, I had to use my ginormous pot instead of the small pot I usually use.

I got distracted by something and when I came into the kitchen, my yummy corn was in full boil, steam rising up to the ceiling. I don't have any pot holders, so I used two kitchen towels to pick up the pot and take it over to the sink to drain the water out. As I'm sure you know, kitchen towels aren't that thick and I could feel some of the heat coming through from one handle. I placed the pot on the edge of the sink to readjust my grip and the pot slipped.

Boiling water gushed all over the front of my legs. I was so shocked that I stood there for a second before I backed up and dropped the pot. My pants were sticking to me so I pulled them off and rushed to the freezer for some frozen veggies to put against my thighs. I looked down and my skin was peeling but I still foolishly thought it wasn't that bad. The pain wasn't really registering yet but I couldn't feel the cold against my leg so I knew that was a bad sign.

Still...I have a high tolerance for pain so I thought I could work through it.

Then the the pain started. And it was bad.

I called my sister who lives 5 minutes away and told her to come over and look at it. Miss Medical Assistant that she is, you know. Well, it was taking her far too long to get here and by now, I was starting to blister so I dialed 911.

I looked down and realized that I didn't have any pants on which is not a good look for me. I grabbed a pair of bike shorts and ripped the hem open to stretch them before I put them on. The minute they got there, they told me we had to go in to the hospital. By now, I'm crying and shaking. I did get some relief to see that none of the guys from the rescue squad went to high school with me because half of the squad who works there did. And yes, this is the kind of stuff that goes through my head even in the throes of pain.

The ER doc was pretty handsome with his salt and pepper hair and he looked straight into my eyes when he talked. If you're familiar with docs, you know this is pretty rare. The burns are second degree on my left thigh and first degree on my right. He kept asking me so many times if I was sure that I hadn't gotten any water on my genitals that I was tempted to say, "Look, if you want to see my genitals, just ask."

I was going to post a picture of the burns but they are so disgusting, I couldn't subject any of you to that. If you're curious, you can Google second degree burns but not after you've eaten.

All they basically did was apply cold compresses. They gave me some Vicodin which didn't relieve the pain so before I left they gave me a shot of Dilaudid, which is like Morphine. WOW. No wonder people become drug addicts. When we got home, I went over to my car to lock it. I realized when I went out this morning, that I hadn't even shut the window! This is some good shit.

I came home and put this on the stereo.

I saw one of my neighbors today and he yelled across the street, "what are you going to do for an encore?" I shouted back, "I think I'll shoot myself in the foot!" I love my neighbors. Really, they're the best.

I have to follow up with the burn unit tomorrow so I'll give you an update. It looks like there will be scarring, so they're going to need to find someone else for Miss July of the Cougar Calendar.